Multiverse
by Bobmin356
Summary: Godlike Harry? Super Luna? Nested Infinities and mind bending quantum mechanics. Mutant Pandas and Smiling Horcruxes, what else can you ask for? Its cracked!
1. Chapter 1

**Standard Disclaimer:**

Alyx looked up from her desk when Bob placed the file down. She eyed the still smoking file warily.

"What's this?"

"Pure Crack," Bob replied. "This is so cracked it should be illegal."

She moved slightly away from the file, it was now staring at her with red evil eyes.

"Ummmm," she began.

Bob ignored her. "This is cracked crack!" he exclaimed. "It's whacked crack, insane in its crackishness!"

"Ummmm," she said again, beginning to panic. The file was inching closer and had exposed row upon row of sharp teeth dripping with venom.

"This is cracked beyond all crack. This is the most crack you'll.."

"BOB!" shouted Alyx.

He turned and spotted the file trying to attack her. He picked up a handy club and beat the file senseless then he glared at her. "It's going to keep attacking until you tell them the words."

"Oh," she said, then she turned to the audience. "Please buckle your seatbelts, put your trays in the upright position, do not read this at work, nor should you read this while drinking, or late at night while your grumpy spouse is sleeping. And finally, we don't own Harry Potter or the Potter Universe, but even JKR would deny owning this mess!"

"Enjoy the tale folks," quipped Bob.

**Prologue...**

Harry stumbled out of the vortex and looked around. Behind him the magical vortex spat sparks and slowly faded from view.

He grinned maliciously and cracked his knuckles. He knew this place, he knew it intimately.

"Helloooo," he said softly. "Daddy I'm home!"

He waved his hand, bathing the building in a pale yellow light for a minute, then he grinned maliciously.

He stretched and patted his pockets to make sure he still had his needed equipment, then he whirled and vanished from the back yard of #4 Privet Drive. The game was afoot and Fate's bitch was about to throw this world a left curve that would leave them wondering what happened.

Tally Ho!

In front of Number Four, Vernon's Dursley's car experienced a catastrophic tire explosion in all four tires, plus the spare. The small explosions caused considerable damage to the car, and set the theft alarm screaming.

Before Vernon could find the remote to shut the damn thing off, it would wake up most of the neighbors. The 3 am wake up call would not go over very well with them.

**Background Briefing (take notes!)...**

The Multiverse is real, but not in the way most people think.

Often authors come up with the concept of alternative universes. It is actually an idea lifted from theoretical physics and made popular by science fiction. The problem, and it was one that Harry understood intimately, was that the authors of said fiction failed to understand the idea that the differences between universes could be as minor as being left handed in one universe or being right handed in another. Or having blond hair instead of black.

In short, the differences between universes tended to be minor in the extreme. The other problem deals with numbers. Infinities are a difficult subject and when you're talking about the number of possible universes you suddenly realize that you are dealing with infinities contained within infinities and no amount of aspirin is going to help your headache.

Harry knew this, the CEO of Fate Ltd, a subsidiary of God Incorporated, had explained it all to him when she helped negotiate the deal with the big man himself.

He, fate's bitch, would work for her until the damage was undone, in return he would be allowed eventually to pick a universe to live in and settle down. He had even arranged for a very generous retirement package which included a Swiss chalet, a beachfront condo in Malibu and a very nice Potentate position. God Inc drew the line at letting Harry become Emperor of the known Universe. He'd have to settle for a single solar system as his playground.

It all started with a single problem that was simple in reality and incredibly complex in solution. God Incorporated realized that the universes were about to end one one millionth of a second before it all winked out and stopped time. Then all the minor deities and supra deities met at a massive conclave to determine what had gone wrong and what could be done to fix the situation.

With time stopped just a split second before total extinction, no one could say how long the enclave worked to determine the problem, but ultimately it boiled down to a minor mistake of a minor worker for Fate Ltd on a small planet in the Milky Way Galaxy.

Along the way, while researching the cause of the problem, the conclave had so many parties, shindigs and barbeques that they severely damaged the universe it was being hosted in. As a result, that particular universe was consigned to be recycled, and that allowed Fate Ltd. to accrue enough points to be reused elsewhere.

Deities, minor and supra, rarely get sick but it does happen. This particular minor deity had a touch of a cold which caused her to sneeze. Once. That was all it took, an immortal split second of inattention and the grand plan got derailed across the infinite span of the multiverses. But being mortals ourselves, it's hard to imagine a sneeze that lasts for a century. If you think that's bad, imagine the type of tissue you need to blow a divine nose. You simply can't run down to your local 7-11 for a box of divine hankies. And lets not get into the subject of Holy Boogers, religions have been started on less.

Deity time is obviously different than mortal time and when the minor deity turned her attention back to her task, the war was over, only not quite according to the grand plan. Across all the universes the plan had changed, but in one universe, it had really gone bad.

Put simply, Harry Potter, Fate's bitch, became the plaything of one old man with delusions of grandeur. His interference resulted in Harry winning, but at an extreme cost as the secret of the magical world was revealed in all it's hellish glory to the muggle world.

Not content to live without magic the muggles turned their considerable scientific abilities to understanding magic, and like usual, their understanding was turned to a darker purpose. If magic couldn't be shared, they would destroy it. And in doing so, set in motion the death of God Inc in a single universe. That destruction planted the seed to the destruction of all of multiverse.

God Inc. would not allow this to happen. They had a purpose and would not allow mere mortals to destroy all things. The end of all things was their business, not mortals. It was even in their charter, along with the necessary escape clauses that allowed for an ending to result in the birthing of an entirely new multiverse. The mortals mucking around with eternity took that option out of the hands of God Incorporated.

If the press release issued by God Inc was to be believed, the big man himself was rather put out with the whole notion. It was rumored he flew back to Headquarters from his vacation home, the company also denied vehemently that he was accompanied by a pair of hookers from Tijuana. Inside sources within the company that demanded anonymity claimed they were from Shang Hai.

Once the cause of the problem was determined, God Incorporated took the usual way out of fixing the problem. It was against their charter to intervene directly so they selected a hero and gave the poor schmuck a choice of being responsible for the death of everything, or he could save the multiverses.

Enter Harry Potter, schmuck, and all around hero. Code named Fate's Bitch, aka double oh screwed. Selected to fix a problem that spanned an infinite number of universes. Was he asked? Well yes, in a way he was. God Inc told our stalwart hero that if he didn't do as he was told, GOD would be very unhappy with him and he would end up spending the remainder of his life as a sentient pimple on his Aunt Marge's buttocks.

This isn't to say that Harry entered into this agreement with God Incorporated without some hefty conditions of his own. For one thing, he had insisted that the deity that had made the original mistake be demoted and sent to Trenton, New Jersey. It was as close to hell as Harry could possibly come up with for a deity.

It should be noted that the arrival of a demigod to New Jersey went unnoticed for 78 years before she was arrested for failure to pay her income taxes. Her defiance sparked a new religious movement which nearly resulted in bankrupting the United States and did end with the second civil war.

But we digress.

Harry got carte blanche from the CEO of God Inc, the big man himself. He was allowed to do anything to fix the problem without it staining his soul. He had unlimited funds and no matter what multiverse he landed in, he had a list of contacts for everything from black market weapons to mercenaries to Bill Gate's mistresses. He could hire whole armies if he so wished as long as he corrected the error in that universe.

There were two basic requirements that Harry had to accomplish in each universe he visited.

Voldemort could not be allowed to start the second war, no matter what the cost, he had to be stopped before the muggles became aware of the magical world. The second requirement was more troublesome, he had to supervise the remaining life of one Albus Dumbledore to insure that he never threatened the multiverses again. Unfortunately that meant Harry ended up spending anywhere from 10 to 35 years in each universe since he wasn't allowed to deliberately kill the old fool. He could however set events in motion which would result in the old man's death.

God it seemed, didn't have a problem with wiping out entire planets, but he did draw the line at murder.

As a final concession Harry demanded and got the only other person who had survived the war from his original multiverse as his companion. Luna Lovegood.

God Inc. had not been happy with that particular requirement and had in fact delayed on delivering on that promise. It wasn't until he had entered multiverse number 0074530456374856110374 theta prime bip bip dash 12 wic wic nufu and proceeded to arrange for Hogwarts to be destroyed via a nuclear weapon that they gave in. Fortunately he had arranged for the attack during the summer so the loss of life was minimized, but it was at that point that God Inc realized perhaps a companion that could act as a moral compass might not be a bad idea.

Luna Lovegood as a moral compass? As far as Luna was concerned, North was an ugly color and she wouldn't point at it even if you offered her a box of fruit loops. Now south was a divine color and she frequently wore it in private since she felt it accentuated her bust line for Harry.

God Inc was less than thrilled with the results but it was too late to send her back.

**#4 Privet Drive, Little Whinning, 1985...**

Luna appeared with a pop. She had mastered cross universe apparation a long time ago. Harry still used the older vortex method which made him sick to his stomach half the time but that was only because Luna didn't want to teach him her method.

She stared at the house, so familiar and her eyes glowed while she looked at Harry Nargle's handiwork.

That was another thing, Harry was Harry Nargle, and she was Luna Snorkack. She wanted to avoid any confusion with the fact that Harry Potter and Luna Lovegood already existed in this universe. Harry wanted to be called James Bond, but Luna refused to let him adopt such a silly name.

"Standard package," she murmured. "Dursleys have had their aggressive tendencies redirected to each other. Harry's been given a healthy dose of cunning and the basis for solid occlumency shields plus a surge to his magical growth."

Her eyes narrowed and she frowned. "Harry Nargle when I get my hands on you," she muttered, then she shook her head. Once again Harry had implanted the idea into Harry Potter that having a blond and a brunette girlfriend at the same time was a good idea.

Harry thought that every Harry he ran across deserved to enjoy life more, what better way for that to happen than for him to hook up with Hermione and Luna?

She really had no idea how long he had been pulling that little stunt, she only became aware of it when they hit the multiverse where Luna had been replaced by Larry. She shuddered in remembrance and corrected Harry's work so that Harry would not actively seek a three way relationship. Unless of course said relationship sought him out. That was acceptable in her book.

She quickly corrected little Harry's programming, adding in some extras, like being considerate to girls, improved study habits/memory retention and a healthy distrust of old men with beards, then she turned her attention to the Dursleys. For some strange reason Harry always seemed reluctant to do anything extreme to them, but she was under no such compunction.

A minute later she was satisfied with her work, so she twirled in a pirouette and vanished from Privet Drive.

The Dursley's were despicable people to begin with and now with Luna's help, the rest of the neighborhood would learn that fact first hand.

Now, just a mere hour after Vernon dealt with the problem of his car and soothed his neighbors, Petunia's car exploded, causing Numbers 3 and 6 to catch on fire. Few people would sleep through the arrival of the Fire Brigade, but Harry was one of them.

Vernon's car alarm went off to mark the occasion of the spectacular fire.

**The Leaky Cauldron, London, 1985...**

"You know, you're becoming predictable," said a voice.

Harry didn't even flinch, he continued sipping his tea and reading the morning paper. "Good morning love, I was wondering when you were going to show up."

Luna frowned, she hated when he appeared nonchalant when she arrived. Next time she'd appear riding on the back of an elephant! That would get his attention.

With a slight huff she walked over to the table and sat down next to him.

"So you did your review?" he asked calmly.

She tore her eyes from the sight of the teapot pouring a cup for her and glanced over at him. "I did. And I corrected a few of your exuberance's."

Harry grimaced. Luna didn't have half the abilities he had, thanks to God Incorporated, but she was probably the strongest magical person on the planet right now. And Harry? Well he wielded an entirely different class of magic, just one step short of being a deity.

"Luna..."

She held up a hand and he snapped his mouth closed.

"No Harry, if Harry Potter is going to have two girlfriends, he'll do it without your help. Do you know how many complications that sort of thing can cause for the people involved? Or need I remind you of Harry and Larry? I mean really, poor Hermione was bowlegged and..."

"All right! I get it," He replied testily. "No more trying to give Harry a happy life."

"After all this time and you still don't understand do you?" she asked gently. "Harry, you've given nearly every Harry Potter we've run across happiness just by eliminating Voldemort and the other unsavory elements in his life. Now let's finish up our breakfast we still have a lot to do to insert ourselves into this society."

Harry nodded and turned back to his breakfast. What she had said was true, it was always the same old story, they had access to numerous mansions that had been unplottable at the time of the death of the last in that family but because the buildings had been unattended, they would require considerable magic to repair them.

Magic would allow them to make the buildings habitable very quickly, but Harry had discovered he didn't mind fixing things by hand. So Luna made sure they a bedroom and a working kitchen while Harry went about repairing the building the muggle way. It gave him something to do other than worrying about what changes he was going to inflict on this universe.

Besides, she didn't want another ark incident. The one time she opted to use magic to completely repair the manor Harry was so out of sorts and bored he started building an Ark in the backyard. Said ship soon became so big it was visible from space and caused no end of problems with the muggles.

The Ark, spotted by satellite, caused no end of controversy among biblical historians who couldn't understand what an Ark would be doing just outside of Manchester. It's existence also spawned a new religious movement and the reformation of the Anglican church.

Luna smiled and sipped her tea, watching Harry. It was one of her favorite pastimes watching him. He had really grown up very well despite his rocky start.

It was always the same every time they entered a new universe they were reset to a starting condition. She wouldn't have minded it too much, but Harry came back as a 24 yr old man and she was in a form that she pegged at 19, just prior to the point of losing her virginity. Of course it helped that she found him really attractive and he found her just as appealing.

Harry had lost track, but she hadn't. By her reckoning she had given Harry her virginity 28,600 times. Fortunately she had discovered an old spell that relieved her of the pain nearly 18,000 universes ago. It was annoying and just once she wished she wasn't the one that came back as a virgin.

She was sure that they were coming close to the tipping point, where the number of changes would result in the universe not ending because of Voldemort and Dumbledore. But the exact number of corrections was known only to the upper management of God Incorporated, even she could only guess at the number.

It was impossible for them to fix every universe, but they had to fix enough that it would create an event wave that would ripple throughout the multiverse.

The one time she had requested to know how many universes were needed, she received a memo in return from God Inc, that gave even her a headache. Apparently God Incorporated used a different language, and a different numbering system than she was used to. The reply, transmitted on radio active stone tablets, immediately started a fusion reaction causing Harry and Luna to flee that planet entirely. It was the only time they had left before removing Voldemort's horcruxes. However since the planet vaporized in the resulting explosion, Luna figured they still accomplished their mission.

Harry was most put out with her for causing him extra paperwork for that Universe. Replying in cuneiform on clay tablets made his wrists ache.

She took another sip of her tea, then asked a question that had been bothering her.

"I noticed you didn't remove Harry's Horcrux this time," she observed, watching him carefully.

Harry looked up from reading the paper and gave her a lopsided grin.

She sighed. She knew that grin, she knew it intimately. He was planning on doing something different. Every dozen or so universes Harry would alter his plans to see if he could improve the situation earlier. Or perhaps improve wasn't the right word. Create greater mayhem might be closer to the true reason, but Harry wouldn't admit it.

"What do you have planned?"

"Transference and Divine Intervention," he quipped in reply.

She frowned. "You're not letting your powers go to your head again are you? We can't afford for you to start creating new religions. Do you remember the last one? I mean really, how they convinced the Queen Mother to go naked..."

"Hey I didn't create that religion, it was all a big misunderstanding. Luna, after all this time you still don't trust me?"

"I trust you Harry, but things have a tendency to go out of control when you're involved," she retorted.

He placed his paper to one side and looked at her. "It's real simple Luna. It occurred to me that Dumbledore spent years crafting and implementing his plans. Normally we show up and blammo, things stop going according to his plans. Now I'm thinking, we have to be here at least til the turn of the century, probably a few years after that. Why not nudge his plans off kilter subtlety? Let's take the time to lull him into a false sense that despite a few failures here and there, things are mostly going his way."

She thought about it and nodded slowly. It did make sense, they spent on average at least 20 years in each universe they visited. Gradual changes would at least have the effect of keeping Harry occupied. A bored Harry Nargle was a dangerous thing. Like that time he decided the Tour De France would be more interesting if the riders rode backwards. It took her months to obliviate everyone involved and she had the ability to obliviate enmass.

"And the Divine Intervention part?" she asked carefully.

He shrugged and reached across the table to capture her hand in his. With his thumb gently rubbing across her knuckles he grinned. "You're my angel," he said in a husky tone that made her insides flutter. "Why can't you also be little Harry's guardian angel?"

"Alright," she whispered. "We'll try it your way. Maybe it will be good enough to include all the time."

He grinned back at her. Once he explained all of his plan she was sure he'd go for it.

He released her hand and stood, with a single thought all of his stuff was packed up and ready to move on. Smiling broadly he held out a hand to her. "Come love, lets go find our new home, then introduce this universe to the joys of the Celestial Snorkack."

She laughed and bounced out of her chair, pulling him into a hug. They shimmered for a brief second and then were gone.

**September 1st, 1991, Hogwarts...**

Albus Dumbledore unhappily reached for a lemon drop. The express was due in a few hours and he was still struggling with his plans. For some reason he couldn't pin point so many of his plans and plots had failed in recent years. Were it not for the fact that some things happened as planned, he would have suspected that someone was interfering with his concept of the Greater Good.

Augusta Longbottom had successfully beat him for the position of Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot and that resulted in considerable loss of his power base, especially when she wrested control of the Potter seat from him. Without the Potter seat and the proxies it represented, he was left with just his single vote in the Wizengamot. And a single vote of the minor house of Dumbledore didn't have half the impact of the Potters, a noble and ancient house with traceable roots to the founders and beyond.

And if that wasn't bad enough, his Deputy here at the school had grown a backbone in the past five years and was continually questioning his policies. In fact she had managed to get the Governors to approve several changes he hadn't wanted to make to his school.

All classrooms now contained a portrait who's sole purpose was to record infractions. The governors thought it was a good idea to protect themselves and the school by including these recordings. However Minerva used them to make wholesale cancellations of point deductions and detentions by Professor Snape.

Snape hadn't had a single approved detention or point deduction in two years and the student population knew it. Minerva had effectively neutered Snape and Dumbledore was powerless to do anything about it. She was being groomed by the Board of Governor's as his replacement and had powerful allies on the board.

Politically he was all but powerless these days. It all started several years earlier when the press started printing stories about the fall of Grindelwald and Voldemort. While there was little they could pin on him legally, enough dirt was uncovered to seriously tarnish his image.

If things at school were bad, outside of the school things bordered on catastrophic. A freak fire ran through Malfoy manor resulting in Narcissa Malfoy being killed and Draco being hospitalized for what appeared to be the rest of his life. Smoke inhalation left the boy in a persistent vegetative state.

Lucius didn't take the news of the disaster well and he secluded himself in a small shack on the property while he worked on the plans for a newer and grander manor house.

Several other families had experienced similar mishaps or financial disasters, severely eroding the darker families hold on the Wizengamot. The Parkinsons were long known as breeders of whole herds of hippogryphs and unicorns for potion stocks. Unfortunately an infestation of the newly discovered Celestial Snorkacks destroyed the ranch and freed the livestock.

All attempts to recover the livestock were thwarted by the Snorkacks who seemed to have decided to defend the herds. The Parkinsons lost their patriarch and two elder sons trying to round up those herds.

So many disasters had befallen former and suspected followers of Lord Voldemort, and yet none appeared to be related to another. When Dumbledore pointed out that they were all happening to people that supported Voldemort, Amelia Bones shrugged and told him to mind his own business.

And that left Dumbledore with a conundrum.

Draco Malfoy was useless to Dumbledore now. He had hoped to use the boy as a foil upon which he would hone Harry Potter, hardening him into the weapon he was meant to be. All of the other potential Slytherin lads were too weak to adequately challenge the Boy-Who-Lived.

Dumbledore scowled fiercely when he thought about that moniker.

Two years ago the Daily Prophet ran a story questioning the validity of the legend of the Boy Who Lived. Dumbledore had carefully maneuvered Hagrid into spilling what he had learned from Dumbledore over drinks in Hogsmeade. At the time no one questioned the story. But two years ago they did and now everyone questions it.

He had been approached by the paper and asked to comment, but when questioned he had to admit he had not been present and his version of what happened was at best merely conjecture. Given the general lack of respect the wizarding public had for him, when they discovered they had been believing in a tale made up by Dumbledore, they immediately rejected the idea that a mere toddler could have any impact on a dark lord. Instead they focused on Lily Potter and assumed that she was the unsung heroine of that dreadful evening. Something she had done, saved her son. She became the mother that all witches looked up to. She became the Mother that Died.

The popular book series about the boy had been pulled from the shelves and the name all but vanished from British Press. The myth he had tried to build around the boy had fizzled and gone out.

"Albus Dumbledore"

He glanced up and grimaced. Before him stood a creature of blindingly white light. He raised an arm to shield against the glare and groped for his wand, it was somewhere on his desk, but he was too dazzled to spot it.

"Albus Dumbledore you are a big disappointment," said the being again, then she unfurled her wings.

He gasped and stared, his arm slowly lowering.

"What are you?" he whispered.

"You would call me an Angel," she replied softly. Her voice resonated with power. "I am one of the Seraphim, I help guard and preserve the chosen."

Fawkes awoke with a startled squawk, took one look and then bowed before the being of light.

Feeling a twinge of panic Dumbledore groped blindly for his wand. He reached around for several moments before being forced back into his chair and bound there.

"For 10 years now you have done nothing to help Harry Potter," the Angel said, her tone hardening. "For 10 years you have left that foul soul fragment fester in the boy and you have ignored his plight."

"There is nothing to be done," he protested. "The boy must die to release the soul fragment!"

"Untrue," replied the Angel. "In your arrogance and conceit you failed to consider that perhaps others more knowledgeable than you knew safer ways of disposing of that soul fragment without harming the boy."

"No one else can know about this," protested Dumbledore. "Harry Potter must die for the good of our world!"

The Angel paused and glanced over at the phoenix, it was the one thing in the office that could disrupt her plan. The phoenix noticed her glance and bowed again, acknowledging her position and the fact that he would not interfere.

The magical bird understood that he was dealing with what was probably the most powerful magical human on the planet and she would brook no interference on his part.

Satisfied that the phoenix wouldn't interfere, the angel turned her attention back to Dumbledore who watched her with mounting fear.

She raised a hand and Dumbledore bit back a moan of pain. He struggled in his bonds while his forehead burned and seared. The smell of burning flesh permeated the room and finally he collapsed back in his chair only semi-conscious.

The angel lowered her hand and calmly waited for Dumbledore to come around. While she waited patiently she amused herself by altering the function of several of the Headmaster's little machines. She also fixed it such that at random intervals, the portraits in the room would only speak in Cantonese. She also took away their inability to lie.

"What did you do to me?" Dumbledore said groggily.

The angel looked up from preening one wing. "I just made Harry's problem, your problem. You'll find a much happier and freer Harry Potter when he arrives today without any scar or soul fragment attached to his forehead. You however might want to look into how to safely remove the soul fragment from your head, or you can always continue with your original plan and let Voldemort kill you instead of Harry."

With that the Angel seemed to shimmer and vanish from the office.

Dumbledore opened a desk drawer with a trembling hand and pulled a small mirror from the drawer. Holding the mirror up to his face he stared at the smiley face scar sitting over his right eye and he moaned in anguish. How could this happen to him? He was the leader of the light, not a pawn to be sacrificed!

**Wain Manor, Late Evening of Sept 1st...**

Luna looked up from her book when Harry entered the room. "All done?" she asked.

He shot her a wide grin. "Yep. Dumbledore won't know what hit him this year. I removed the stone and had it deposited into Harry's vault at Gringotts, then I placed the entire corridor where he kept it under a Fidelius charm. While I was there, I took the time to play with Snape. He's going to suddenly find a keen desire to wear high heels."

"And Voldemort?"

"Obliviated."

Luna frowned. "Harry, you're supposed to get rid of that phantasm."

Harry sat down across from her and stretched his feet out on the coffee table. "This is even better Luna, I did a total wipe on him and replaced his memories. Quirrel is now convinced he's being possessed by a homicidal five year old girl named Betsy."

Luna blinked. So few things surprised her, but this one certainly did. "But what about the phantasm?"

Harry smirked and she groaned inwardly, she knew that look. Harry had become bored with the same old plan and was improvising. Last time he done that, it took all of her magic to prevent Harry Potter from becoming the Muggle King of Britain.

"It's stuck Luna. I did a wipe on it's memories and gave it a whole new set. It doesn't remember anything about Horcruxes, or how to possess people. When Quirrel dies, it will pass over not knowing that it has the ability to possess another body. The Horcruxes might be able to revive him, but that Phantasm is just a confused mess and it'll remain that way until it crosses over."

He chuckled softly. "In the meantime, Quirrel is going to appear odder than usual."

**Hogwarts, Headmaster's Office, Late Evening of Sept 1st...**

Dumbledore led Professor McGonagall and Professor Snape into the office. The feast was finally over and Dumbledore was coming to realize that things had gotten entirely out of his control. The boy had been sorted into Ravenclaw despite his orders to the hat.

He sat tiredly at his desk and looked at his two teachers.

"A most unexpected turn sorting," Minerva said softly. That Harry Potter had been sorted into Ravenclaw was merely one of the surprises from the evening. A Weasley making it into Slytherin and a Zabini getting into Hufflepuff was enough to suspect the old man was playing tricks with the hat again.

She was only partially right, someone had been playing tricks with the hat, but it hadn't been the Headmaster. This little surprise was all Luna's doing. She had snuck into the old man's office and had a conversation that resulted in Potter and Granger going to Ravenclaw along with the other changes.

Snape scowled and stared down at his shoes, unhappy with what he was seeing.

Dumbledore grunted in acknowledgment at Minerva, but he appeared to be lost in thought.

"ngóh séung wuhngwo gàanfóng Dumbledore!" the Portrait of Amando Dippet suddenly shouted.

Dumbledore massaged his temples tiredly. The portraits had suddenly switched languages today and he had idea why. He had checked them for magic and they came up showing no additional magic beyond what a magical portrait would normally have.

Minerva blinked in surprise and stared at the portrait of Amando Dippet. "Why would you want to move to another room?"

Snape turned his gaze to his fellow Professor. "You understood that?"

Minerva nodded. "My father was an ambassador, I learned a number of languages, including Cantonese in my youth."

"He picks his nose and wipes it on his beard," exclaimed Dippet in English. Several other portraits nodded and Dumbledore had the grace to blush.

Minerva glared at Dumbledore. "Disgusting old man," she muttered under her breath.

Dumbledore looked up and scowled. "Can we please get back to the topic at hand? Mr. Potter cannot be allowed to remain in Ravenclaw. He needs to be moved to Gryffindor where he can be guided towards his..."

"You can't make me resort him Headmaster, and if you try I won't let you use me to play naked Caribbean pirates anymore," the sorting hat said smugly.

"Albus!" exclaimed Minerva, then she turned to Snape who was ignoring them both while he stared at his shoes.

"Severus I must insist that you join with me in making the Headmaster see a healer immediately, the old fool has clearly gone senile!"

Severus blinked slowly and looked up at Minerva.

Dumbledore sprang to his feet. "Enough! We have too much to worry about with Voldemort trying to get the..."

He trailed off with a puzzled look on his face. Both Minerva and Snape frowned, they knew that Voldemort was after something but they couldn't remember what it was.

"This makes no sense," muttered Minerva, then she stood, shook her head and left the room muttering about old fools and their games.

Dumbledore slammed a fist down on his desk. "He's done it already! He took the... he took... See? We can't even remember what he took! We're doomed!"

Snape looked up from transfiguring his shoes into a pair of black heels. He frowned. "When did you injure yourself Headmaster? You have a scar on your forehead!"

Dumbledore frowned and fingered the hated scar that hadn't even marked him for a full day. He knew it was a vain hope that no one would notice it. He honestly hoped people would overlook the smiley face scar on his forehead. He was just thankful that it wasn't a lightening bolt scar like the one Harry Potter still bore, although Harry's scar was now quite faint.

"I fell a few days ago," he mumbled. "It's nothing!"

Snape nodded doubtfully. "It looks like a..."

"It's not a smiley face!" Dumbledore snapped. "Next thing you'll say is it's a Horcrux and I have to die to get rid of it!"

Snape blinked. Twice, then twice more. Yep, the old man had finally started casting the simple spells.

"Ummm I think I'll go check on Minerva," the dour potions professor said softly, then he turned and bolted for the door. As he ran he thought that perhaps Minerva was right, maybe it was time for the Headmaster to see Madam Pomfrey.

He would have continued along those lines, but he was unfamiliar with walking in heels and promptly fell down the stairs to the Headmaster's office. His injuries would have been very minor and easy to fix, had Harry not put a hex on Madam Pomfrey. No matter what spell or potion she used on Snape, she would also end up vanishing the bones in his right hand, thus forcing a dose of Skelegrow on the Potions Master.

**Hogwarts, Girl's Bathroom, Oct 31st...**

"Hermione?"

Harry Potter peered through the partially open bathroom door.

"Hermione!" he asked again in a hushed manner. His eyes darted to the corridor he was standing in.

"Harry? You can't come in here!" replied a distraught Hermione.

A dull snuffling growl came from the end of the corridor and Harry pushed open the door and entered the bathroom.

"Hermione, we have to get out of here like yesterday! All the houses have been sent to their common rooms, someone released a giant mutant panda bear into the school and it's hunting for victims!"

There was a flushing sound, then Hermione stepped from the stall. She glared at Harry, both hands on her hips. "Really Harry, there's no such thing as a mutant Panda, and there's no magical version of the Panda bear!"

At that moment the door blasted inwards and the entrance was completely filled with a mutant Panda bear that couldn't possibly exist. It growled menacingly and Hermione squeaked, then pushed her way back into the stall, slamming the door shut behind her.

Harry rolled his eyes. The stall door was thinner and cheaper wood than the door to the bathroom.

"There's no such thing as a Magical Panda," Hermione screamed from her stall.

"Denying it isn't going to stop it from eating you Hermione," Harry shouted. "And while I might think you're cute, it thinks you're tasty!"

Hermione stopped screaming and realized that Harry was correct, but now she was trapped.

The Panda shuffled into the room. She could clearly see the enormous feet at the entrance to her stall, sniffing at the door. She squeaked again in fear and huddled as far back as she could.

The Panda swiped one huge paw against the door and it splintered into a million pieces.

At that moment, Harry lunged. "Cowabunga!" he screamed and clambered up the back of the massive bear. Once he was perched on its back he swung his book bag with all the force he could muster. The bag, filled with texts, swung down and clobbered the bear in the head.

It made a snuffling grunt and slipped senseless to the floor. Sometimes it paid to be a Ravenclaw with a full bookbag.

Harry leaped from it's back and reached into the stall. He grabbed Hermione by the hand and pulled her out of the stall. "Run run run now!" he shouted. He knew that the Panda was merely stunned, but as long as it gave them a chance to run, he didn't care if it were busy getting a manicure.

The pair bolted from the bathroom and just narrowly missed colliding with Professor Snape. Harry stumbled and his wand was shoved up Snape's nose. The professor screamed and fell to the floor.

"Wait, what? Who?" shouted a pained Snape at their retreating backs. He held one hand over his nose and could feel it swelling. He didn't manage to identify the two students except to say one was a girl and the other a boy.

Harry and Hermione had just reached the door to their common room when the screams had started up. The bear had awakened and Professor Snape would be needing another visit to Madam Pomfrey.

Oh joy, more Skelegrow for Snape. At least as the Potions Master he was capable of making sure Madam Pomfrey had enough. Lord knows he seemed to need it this semester.

The pair stood, panting heavily just inside the door, then Hermione came to a realization. She blushed heavily, then blushed again on top of her first blush.

"Harry?" she asked softly.

Harry eyed her warily. He couldn't help notice she had turned the shade of cooked lobster and wondered if she were about to explode, or have an accident. After all, she was in the girls bathroom, perhaps she hadn't finished her business when the giant mutant panda attacked?

"Yeah?" he asked.

"Did you mean it when you said you think I'm cute?"

Harry engaged his own blushing mechanism, then placed it on afterburner. Dumbly he nodded and looked away. He was shocked when he felt something soft brush up against his cheek. "Thank you," Hermione whispered, then she bolted for the girls dorm, leaving Harry leaning shakily against the wall.

**Wain Manor, Same Day...**

Harry looked away from the wall mirror that had displayed the entire incident.

"Cowabunga?" asked Luna.

Harry buffed his nails against his shirt. "What can I say? At that age I thought Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were totally awesome."

Luna shook her head and walked away muttering about Muggles who believed in the weirdest things.

**Defense Against the Dark Arts Office, Hogwarts, Again Same Day...**

The sound of Snape's screams echoed off the walls and the possessed Professor smiled evilly.

"What next my master?" asked Quirrel.

Thanks to Harry Nargle's fidelius charm, neither remembered exactly why they came to Hogwarts, but Voldemort, err, Betsy, was sure it was to wreak havoc. And havoc was exactly what she planned on.

"Poisoned Gummy Bears," Betsy whispered in reply. "And get me another My Little Pony T-Shirt!"

Quirrel groveled and marveled at the power and majesty of his dark lady. A small corner of his remaining mind that was untouched by the insane spirit wondered what a Gummy Bear was.

**Wain Manor, November 21st...**

Luna groaned and buried her head in her hands. She had been using a viewing mirror to observe little Harry and his friends and had discovered that big Harry had been playing outside of the normal sandbox again.

In her mind the scene played out again between Harry Potter and Hermione Granger. She watched them closely since the incident with the Panda. Unsurprisingly the pair had become close friends over the incident.

"_Harry?" _

_Harry looked up from reading his textbook, then he smiled brightly. "Yes Hermione?"_

"_I read the chapters you told me about. I erm...," Hermione trailed off into silence, blushing heavily. _

_Harry echoed her blush. "It's alright Hermione, I just thought you'd find it interesting."_

"_So you're not interested in doing that now?" she blurted._

_Harry sucked in a breath. "With you?" he replied, then his blushed deepened as he realized what he said. "Umm... perhaps someday."_

_Hermione glanced up from studying her feet and smiled shyly. "Oh... maybe someday."_

_She quickly leaned down and kissed his cheek. "Good Night," she whispered, then turned and dashed up the stairs._

_Harry Potter watched her run from his table and his fingers brushed against his cheek. She had been doing that a lot lately and he was really starting to like it. "Good night," he whispered in reply._

Luna turned to Harry. "Did you see that?"

Harry nodded happily. He was so pleased and proud of his little self, who was probably even more pleased with his littler self.

"I did. Seems our little Harry is growing up," he replied.

Luna's eyes narrowed. "What book was she talking about?"

Harry mumbled something and Luna leaned close enough to grab him by an earlobe. "I didn't hear you," she said intently.

"Hogwarts, a history, the adult edition!" he shouted. He really was quite a wimp when it came to pain.

She frowned. "You don't mean the edition that covers the 40 year period where they used Hogwarts to write a magical version of the Kama Sutra? The one with nearly thirty chapters of animated, sexual illustrations?"

Harry grinned. "Our favorite book," he murmured, then he twisted slightly in her grip and kissed her wrist.

Luna shuddered first at the feather soft kiss, then the rush of magic that flooded her body, igniting her passion.

She grimaced and tightened her hold on his earlobe. "They are too young!"

Harry nodded. "You are right, they are too young. Didn't you hear Harry? He said 'Someday'. Not today, not tomorrow, someday. Harry just did something rather mature, he acknowledged a possibility. That's something I never would have been brave enough to do. He basically acknowledged she's a girl and not just one of the guys who dresses funny."

Luna nodded slowly. She wanted to tear into Harry about this, but by the same token she had made her own changes to the pair to help cement their friendship. She released his earlobe and he rubbed it, looking at her with that wounded look of his.

She groaned, she never could resist his hurt puppy look. He slowly slid his hand up under her skirt, his hand tracing a line of fire along her thigh. She gave him a sultry look and slowly started to unfasten the buttons on her blouse.

Harry grinned to himself. He had managed to make a few minor changes to Harry and Luna was going to let him get away with it!

Luna pulled him closer and he nestled his head between her breasts. She reveled in the sensation of closeness and was happy that Harry had been distracted before she had to reveal the changes she had made in both Harry and Hermione.

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, Dec 21st...**

Dumbledore stormed into his office and threw himself into his chair. Quirrel was possessed, of that he was certain, but now he wasn't sure what he was possessed by. And if that wasn't bad enough, he was practically sitting on a mutiny among his staff!

Someone had slipped the entire fourth year Slytherin class tainted candy that resulted in Madam Pomfrey closing the hospital wing for two days why it was cleaned and fumigated. He was certain Quirrel was responsible, but he couldn't understand what he had to gain by poisoning the one group of people that were likely to support him.

Things were getting out of hand.

The new history teacher that the board forced him to hire had given his first year classes an essay on recent Dark Lords. Most wrote about Grindelwald, or You-Know-Who, but two students in Ravenclaw, Harry Potter and Hermione Granger both wrote about Dumbledore.

Those essays originally received only marginal grades, but the students challenged the marks. As per the rules for challenging the essays made the rounds of the faculty and were slowly upgraded with each passing professor that read the essay.

When the essays hit the Deputy Head's desk, she not only upgraded the marks to Outstandings, she also awarded points to the two students. That caused a number of Professors to question Minerva who confirmed the timelines and facts laid out in the essays.

While both students wrote about the same man, Hermione took his early years, exposing Dumbledore's involvement with Grindelwald and Harry's essay dealt with the rise of Voldemort and Dumbledore's response to Voldemort. He laid out the formation of the Order of the Phoenix then he labeled it the most ineffective and incompetent militia ever created.

No one questioned the unique source of their information, a tome so rare it didn't even exist until Luna Snorkack conjured it and sent it to the pair anonymously.

Although no Professor would admit it, both essays somehow found their ways into the hands of the students who were surprised at what they revealed. Albus was surprised and hurt by the fact that many students now viewed him with open suspicion.

In a fit Dumbledore angrily shoved several books off of his desk.

"You shouldn't treat books so poorly Headmaster," said a voice.

Dumbledore spun on his heel, whipping up his wand he fired a cutting hex at the intruder.

Luna caught the hex in her hand and the glowing energy pooled in the palm of her hand. She smiled prettily at the ball of magic that hovered there, then she turned her attention to Dumbledore. The old man stumbled back in shock and more than a touch of fear. The Seraphim that cursed him had returned!

The ball of magic in Luna's hand collapsed down into an Apple which she proceeded to take a dainty bite out of, then she paused. "You've been a naughty naughty boy Albus," she chided. "Despite my warnings you still sit up here in your tower and plot. You still think you're in charge."

"This is my school!" thundered Dumbledore.

"Control is an illusion Albie. I'm warning you, leave Harry Potter and his friends alone or I might get annoyed. Do you know what happens when I get annoyed?"

Dumbledore cringed back from Luna. She was radiating so much magic she was shimmering.

"N N No?"

She spread her wings and slowly lifted up off the floor. In one hand appeared a 8 foot long flaming blade. "I am the protector of the chosen! Beware lest I smite thee!" she intoned. The room shook with the power of her voice and the portraits all fled their painting in a panic.

Fawkes awoke with a squawk and took in the scene. He honked once and flamed to another room where he honked continuously for nearly an hour. He caused such a ruckus that dozens of other Phoenixes flamed in, wanting to know what was so funny. The result of so many phoenixes flashing into Dumbledore's private quarters was a fire hot enough to glaze the stones of the castle, and destroy most of Albus' private quarters.

Dumbledore backed up and tripped over his chair, falling to the floor. He lifted one arm to shield himself from the light.

Luna swung her mighty sword as she raised her arms. The portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black had a split second to squeak before it was destroyed by the sword. That portrait would never be able to spy on little Harry again.

"Oh, oops, sorry about that," Luna said with a small giggle. She looked down at Dumbledore who cringed and cowered on the floor.

"Remember my warning old man!" Luna intoned, then she swung her sword down with all her strength.

Dumbledore screamed and scuttled backwards, staring in disbelief as Luna destroyed his prized desk that he won in a poker game. The desk was cleaved completely in half, and although he didn't know it at the time, no amount of magic would ever put it back together again.

Luna then winked at Dumbledore, and threw the apple at him. It sailed through the air and unerringly bonked the old man in the forehead, turning his smiley face scar a bright yellow. With that accomplished she faded from view leaving Dumbledore to ponder why fate could be so cruel as to give him a tool with an angelic guardian.

**Wain Manor, Dec 25th...**

"Are you still mad that you couldn't arrange for Hermione to stay for the Holiday?" Luna asked.

Harry shook his head. "Nah, you were right, she should be with her parents. Besides it gives me a chance to annoy the old man again."

Luna sat next to Harry on the sofa and looked at the viewing mirror. "Oh? What are we watching then?"

The image showed Harry's bed, which was empty except for two small packages sitting on the bed.

"Do you remember what Dumbledore gave me my first year?"

"Your dad's cloak?"

Harry nodded. "That's right. Well I intercepted the cloak and gave him a replacement item from Dumbledore. I also gave him Lily Potter's diaries from her Hogwart's years, from his Guardian Angel."

"Harry your Mum's diaries would be very personal, I'm not sure little Harry is mature enough for what he might encounter in there." Luna replied disapprovingly.

Harry grimaced and turned to face her directly. "I know sweetie, but he knows little about her other than he has her eyes. I remember wanting so badly that someone would sit down and tell me about her. All I knew of my parents were Dad's pranks and Mum liked charms. Maybe he's too young to read about his Mum's first period, but he needs to know her and this is the only way he can. Besides he's smart enough that he'll take what he's read and apply it to others. You watch how he treats Hermione once he understands how painful it can be."

Luna caressed his cheek softly. "Maybe you're right," she admitted grudgingly. "Perhaps in reading her diaries he'll be able to grow up himself. It's not easy entering the teen years. But I warn you now, I'm going to keep a close eye on him. If Lily wrote in her diary like I did, there are things in there that he should not be reading about his mother."

"Fine fine, just let him read about his mother. If there's anything too racy or too girly you can wipe it from his memory. Happy now?" he retorted.

Luna smoothed out her skirt. "Yes, thank you," she replied primly. "Now tell me about Dumbledore's new gift."

Harry grinned and waved a hand towards the viewing mirror. "You recall how Albus and Gellert were 'close' friends?"

"Buggering buddies is the term you used to describe it," Luna said with a edge of disgust in her tone. "I'm all for sexual freedom, but not while you're plotting the conquest of the world. Dumbledore's 'Greater Good' involved more than just a vision of society, he also wanted some of the many boys he taught over the years."

Harry nodded. "Turns out old Albus had managed to accumulate a marvelous collection of picture books suited to his particular tastes. Harry got some, Ron Weasley got some and Terry Boot got some, all with the same note he left me all those years ago."

Luna blinked and looked at him. Then she tried looking at him with her eyes crossed, just in case. Nope, even with her eyes crossed he was still serious about this. "Okay, this should be interesting I guess. I can't speak for the others, but I'm sure Harry will object to the material."

_It wasn't long before Harry entered the room wearing only a towel. Luna smirked to herself and paid closer attention. She knew that bothered her Harry when she watched little Harry. She had told him many times that she wasn't interested in children when she had the real thing available to her anytime, but she still watched because it annoyed Harry and made him feel a trifle less smug._

_Harry spotted the presents and stopped dead in his tracks, then he looked around for a moment before approaching them. He saw that they were both addressed to him so he quickly dressed himself._

"You know, if you want to get Hermione more interested in Harry perhaps I should send her a photo of you coming out of the shower. This way she'll know exactly what her Harry will grow into," she said.

Harry reddened and refused to comment.

She laughed and leaned against him. "Maybe I'll just save you all to myself. Let Hermione learn in her own way. She always liked to learn things for herself."

He slipped an arm around her and she cuddled against him. He might not always be sane, but then neither was she and they were uniquely suited to each other.

_In the viewing mirror Harry opened one present and pulled out a thin leather bound book. His hands shook slightly when he read the inside cover. _

"_Mum," he whispered._

Big Harry sniffled a little and looked away causing Luna to tighten her grip on him. Despite all his abilities and all his power the one thing he could not to was erase the past. It had been thousands of years since the end of their war and thousands of universes where they had helped little Harry, but for all that, he still felt the pain of their loss.

"Harry?"

"Yes?" he replied, his voice thick with emotion.

"I take it back, whatever Lily wrote in those books, it's worth it for Harry to see," Luna said softly.

He nodded and pulled her closer to him.

_Back on the mirror Harry reverently put the book back in the box with the other books. He'd read them later, right now he still had another present to open._

_He turned to the present and read the note, then tore into the package eagerly. Considering the last gift he was hoping to see something similar to his mother's diaries. Harry would have arranged for that, but James in this universe never bothered with any journals or diaries._

_Harry opened the box and gasped, he stared for about 20 seconds longer at the contents, then he slammed the box closed and grabbed the note. With a furious expression he stormed from the room and the viewing angle on the mirror slewed wildly._

"The mirror is tagged to the box?"

"Yeah it seemed like a smart move," Harry replied.

She nodded and climbed off the couch. "Well then I figure things will get interesting in a little bit. I'll go put some tea on for us."

"Bring me a box of animal crackers?" asked Harry hopefully.

Luna snickered and nodded, then stepped from the room.

By the time Luna returned, with tea and Harry's box of animal crackers, the viewing mirror showed Professors Sprout, Flitwick and McGonagall entering the headmaster's office.

"So Harry took the present to his head of house?" she asked.

Harry nodded and eagerly grabbed for his cookies. He tore open the box and carefully searched for a Giraffe which he removed and bit the head off of.

Luna shook her head with amusement. He loved those simple cookies, but for a very dark reason. In his youth, many years ago he had been beaten for eating one that Dudley had dropped on the floor. Since that time he craved the cookie. Luna made sure they always had some on hand for when Harry wanted them.

Strangely Harry never ate the lions. She just figured it was due to his Gryffindor roots so she ate them when he wasn't looking.

"_What were you thinking?" exclaimed McGonagall. With that opening statement she slammed the box of magazines that Ron Weasley had given her onto the headmaster's desk. The desk creaked and collapsed which startled the Professors and pissed off Dumbledore. He had spent nearly an hour chanting that particular repair spell and still the desk wouldn't stay repaired!_

"_What is the meaning of this?" Dumbledore said with a snarl. "I am headmaster, you'll will treat me with respect."_

"_Respect?" Flitwick retorted. "Not when you're giving students filth!"_

"_Filth?" Dumbledore replied incredulously, then he reached for the box sitting on the wreck of the desk and lifted the lid._

_He stared at the contents for a long minute, his expression one of shock. "So that's where they disappeared to," he murmured, forgetting that he wasn't alone in the room._

"_So then they are yours?" pressed McGonagall._

_Dumbledore blinked and looked up at her. "I assure you Professor, I would not give these to any of my students."_

_Over Dumbledore's head appeared a bright sign with an arrow pointing to his head. It read, "Look at the Horcrux!"_

_All three professors started when the sign appeared, then followed the arrow to the bright yellow smiley face that adorned Dumbledore's forehead. Strangely Dumbledore seemed oblivious to the presence of the sign, and even as it started to fade out, he paid it no heed._

Luna leaned closer to Harry and pounded on his back several times, attempting to help him clear the cookie that he was choking on. When he finally managed to catch his breath again he turned to her.

"Part of your work I take it?" he asked.

Luna nodded happily, Harry had given her a broad outline of a plan when he came up with the idea of Divine Intervention and transference, but it was up to her to fill in all the details. Harry would have never thought of charming Dumbledore's slippers to squeak "Horcrux" when he walked!

Improvisation was one of her specialties.

Harry smiled fondly at her and turned his attention back to the viewing mirror.

"_I won't have this Dumbledore," shouted McGonagall. "You will apologize to the students you sent this filth to or I will go to the board and the ministry to lodge a formal complaint!"_

"_But I didn't send it!" protested Albus._

"_Headmaster, the notes are in your handwriting," Flitwick said. Sprout watched and kept silent, she was too busy enjoying the fight to bother getting personally involved. As far as she was concerned, Minerva was doing just fine on her own._

_Dumbledore gasped as Minerva grabbed him by the beard and pulled him down to her eye level. "You will apologize or I will transfigure those bits you seem so fond of into something that bites!"_

_He nodded rapidly and she released his beard._

_Dumbledore made to gather up his private collection of non-standard photography but Minerva snatched it up first._

"_I will see that these are properly disposed of," she said flatly._

"_But..."_

_He flinched back from her glare and watched wistfully as she scooped up all the magazines. _

"_I learned a new fire spell that I've been itching to try," Filius said brightly. "It's supposed to ignite even items charmed to be fireproof."_

_Minerva smiled at the little professor and gestured towards the door. "Then let's go down to the courtyard and see how well it works."_

_Dumbledore stood there before his wreck of a desk and sighed sadly. "Some days no one understands us leaders of the light," he grumbled to himself._

Luna and Harry leaned back on the couch as the professors left the room.

"So what now?" asked Luna, waving a hand and shutting down the mirror. There was no need to watch the three professors burn the headmaster's smut collection.

Harry scratched his head. "Hmmm hey I know, we haven't sent Snape to the infirmary in the past three weeks. It's time for him to have another dose of Skelegrow!"

Luna smiled and nodded at him. She had all sorts of ideas that would accomplish that.

**Potions Lab, Hogwarts, Dec 25th...**

Snape idly turned a page on the potions journal he was reading. Around him several dozen cauldrons were simmering. He was replenishing the infirmary stocks of basic healing potions, it was a process he had done a hundred times in the past ten years. None of the potions were difficult to make, nor were they very dangerous. Unlike some other potions he could allow his guard to drop while making these.

Well that is if there wasn't a certain witch out to cause havoc.

The cauldron nearest Snape exploded unexpectedly. Snape went down after getting hit squarely in the forehead with a piece of cauldron bottom. He lay on the floor, dazed and his eyes fixed on the piece that hit him.

_That bottom is too thin!_ He thought to himself. _Damn ministry allowing the sale of defective cauldrons! No wonder it exploded!_

Movement caught his eye and he gazed up towards the cabinet that contained some of the most dangerous ingredients in the magical world. He could clearly see the large piece of substandard cauldron bottom sitting on top of the cabinet, it had bounced off the wall and landed on top of the cabinet. However instead of cooling down, the hunk of metal started glowing red, then orange, then white.

The cabinet caught fire.

Snape pushed himself slowly to his feet, he had to get out of there!

He turned towards the door to the lab and stood dumbfounded. The door was gone! Where it once stood, solid stone wall now lay.

He turned back to the cabinet just in time to see it explode.

"Mummy!" he screamed.

Harry turned to Luna. "Neat trick making the door vanish," he commented. In the viewing mirror, the potions lab was a wreck and an alarm was shrieking throughout the castle.

"I thought so," Luna replied, "but you're the one that made that cabinet catch on fire, I was going to settle for him having a concussion and maybe a broken bone or two."

Harry chuckled. "It was worth it to hear him cry for his mummy," he said with a snicker.

**DADA Office, Hogwarts...**

"Master?"

"I've made up my mind! He's been looking at me funny every time you write on the board!"

"But master," whined Quirrel.

"No, we must find a way to get that mean Ronald Weasley! He stuck his tongue out at me!" shouted Betsy.

"What can we do Master, everyone already hates him."

Betsy was silent for a moment. "I will think of something, something which will scare him to death! In the meantime put mud in his underwear!"

"Mud?" asked Quirrel fearfully.

"Mud! Cold slimely icky mud! Make it smell like doo doo!"

Quirrel sighed. "Yes Master, I will do it."

**Azkaban Prison...**

Sirius Black moaned softly and pulled up the tattered cloak around him. It was winter and all he had to keep warm was the light weight cloak he had been wearing and what little heat the prison retained from the wall torches.

Suddenly the silence of the cell block was broken with an eerie screech. The dementor that had been patrolling stopped and turned towards the sound. Up the corridor a figure approached, surrounded by a white light.

The Dementor froze in place, it's body straining with effort, trying to move. The figure reached out and touched it. There was a bright flash of light and the dementor shriveled up and fell to the floor. Less than a third of the dementor remained.

Sirius lifted his head and looked at the figure in terror. When the door to the cell opened by itself he sat up and tried to crawl to the back of the cell, further out of reach.

The figure stepped into the cell and looked around for a moment.

"Merlin Padfoot, this place smells like fermented cow piss!" The figure said as the light surrounding it faded away.

Sirius blinked and shook his head. This couldn't be happening! Had he finally gone insane?

"James?" he rasped.

Harry shook his head and a chair appeared for him to sit in. "Sadly no, I'm not James. But let's get comfortable while I tell you a story the likes of which only the Marauders would appreciate."

The room blurred and Sirius suddenly found himself sitting on a comfortable chair. He was clean and dressed in warm clothing. A moment later a table appeared in front of him, laden with all sorts of fresh food.

"Eat up Paddy while I explain who I am, and why I'm here," said the James look a like.

For the next four hours Sirius ate and listened with astonishment and more than a few laughs. There were a fair number of tears as well, but slowly Sirius' world was coming back together. Harry explained that he needed to stay where he was for another year or so, but Harry was already taking steps to make sure he was comfortable and well taken care of during that time.

Finally he pushed away from the table and let out a loud burp of satisfaction. "So let me get this straight, you're my Godson from another Universe and you've been on this massive jaunt across the universes where you have been fixing all the problems that started because of one old man."

Harry nodded happily, Sirius was about the only person in this universe that would understand the humor of the situation.

"And my real Godson?"

Harry sighed slightly. Sirius was right to be concerned about his godson, but the question only drove home the fact that he wasn't the correct Harry for this universe. "He's better than fine Sirius. He's happy, he's being watched over by forces beyond your imagining to keep him safe. He's got a friend that will probably turn into a spouse one of these days. And I don't intend to allow anything bad to happen to him."

Sirius nodded. "Alright, but what about me?"

Harry grinned. "You can't leave here just yet, but I'm going to make some changes so that your life here is much better. No one will notice the changes to your cell that I've made, or the changes to your clothing and the cell is warded to prevent the dementors from bothering you. In the meantime I need you to eat hearty and take your potions to get better. During summer between Harry's second and third year you'll leave here and be reunited with him."

Sirius stared at him for a moment. "In case you haven't noticed, this is a prison, the room service here is terrible."

Harry smiled and nodded. "I noticed that and I've arranged for your meals to be delivered. When you're hungry, call for Helga, she'll take care of anything you need. Food, books, potions, anything," Harry replied, stressing the last sentence. "She help with just about anything you need, but she won't help you leave here early. There's much to do between now and when you do leave here. As much as I'd like to take you with me now, it's safer if you stay."

"Helga?" Sirius said softly.

There was a pop and a beautiful blond dressed as a Las Vegas showgirl appeared. "You called for me Master Sirius?"

Sirius blinked, then drooled.

Harry leaned over and smacked Sirius upside his head. "Wake up Padfoot!"

Sirius shook his head and glanced back at Harry. "I I I oh wow. I don't think staying here is going to be much of a hardship."

Harry stood and smiled at Sirius. "I'd better get going, but I'll come back to visit now and then, and Helga can always pass messages to me."

Sirius nodded rapidly and missed Harry's smirk before he vanished.

"Would Master Sirius like a massage before his bath?" asked Helga in a sultry voice.

Sirius nodded and never noticed the drool sliding down one side of his chin.

**Wain Manor...**

"You do know he's going to be upset with you," Luna said, not even looking up when Harry returned from Azkaban.

"Yeah but eventually he'll see the humor. Besides, with the exception of one Sirius, every one of them we've encountered ending up marrying the girl."

Reluctantly she accepted his point. "I know, but the simple fact is she isn't a girl."

Harry sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Love we've had this argument a thousand times. Yes she was a disgraced house elf. But you know my transfiguration is permanent, she's now fully human, with house elf loyalties and magic. She has enough will to keep Sirius from hurting himself and at the same time she'll give him the love he needs. She'll never replace James and Lily, but she'll give him the love those two couldn't give him. The more she and Sirius are together, the less elf like she'll become. Eventually you won't be able to tell her from any other normal woman."

Luna reached for her cup of tea and sipped. "Your probably right though it pains me to admit it. Sirius is damaged. Helga will help him recover in the next year and her presence by his side will keep him from running off with little Harry. Just remember the rules, I want to be there when you tell him the truth about Helga and you're not allowed to use magic to defend yourself."

Harry's shoulders slumped. He still remembered the one Sirius that was mortally offended by what he had done to him. Luna healed him, but she spent three days scolding him about stupid silly pranks. "Yes dear," he replied unhappily.

Luna eyed him for a moment. She suspected that this Sirius had managed to drive home the idea that this wasn't really his godfather. Most of them did, although none actually meant to hurt Harry, but the simple fact was Harry's godfather was long dead and thousands of universes away.

She put her cup down and it vanished from the table. Standing she reached out with a hand. Harry looked up from his chair curiously.

"Come love," she said softly. "I'm going to show you exactly why you'll never need a Helga of your own. Who knows, maybe one of these days you'll be able to break God's contraceptive charm. You won't know if we don't keep trying."

Harry grinned and took her hand. As he stood both of them were suddenly naked. Luna eyed him with a raised eyebrow. She knew that he had merely vanished their clothing to the laundry room. The one time he banished their clothing she was very unhappy to lose a favorite bra and let him know about it.

**Hogwarts Great Hall, Lunch Time, mid March...**

Harry and Hermione sat close together, sharing a book and a plate of crisps between them. Their closeness had raised eyebrows at first, but now people came to accept it. They were very close friends who openly acknowledged that someday they wanted to date their best friend.

Professor Flitwick had spoken with the pair, individually and as a pair and was satisfied that they were just close friends, although they had plans to change that in a few years. It was unusual to be sure, but since the most either of them did was hold hands or the occasional kiss on the cheek no one could really complain about their behavior. And their grades placed them in the top spots at school.

Now they sat reading an old volume and generally chatted like friends do.

"Kill the thief!" shouted Quirrel from the entrance to the Great Hall.

Harry and Hermione both looked up from their book along with three hundred other students. Quirrel stumbled into the room and headed right for the Slytherin table.

Quirrel reached and grabbed Ron Weasley, pulling him up by his collar. "Where is it you dirty little thief!" he hissed.

"W W W What?" stammered Weasley.

Dumbledore stood at the head table and fired off a banishing charm. With a bang, Ron and Quirrel were forced apart. Quirell flew backwards, slamming into Harry Potter and both ended up on the floor in a tangle of limbs.

"Harry!" shouted Hermione in alarm.

It was too late, Harry had finally managed some skin to skin contact with Quirrel. The DADA professor staggered to his feet, his cheek blistering and smoldering. Little Harry sat up and choked back a whimper, his own hand was smoking and blistering as well.

"ARGH!" shouted Quirrel, then he ripped off his turban. "No! I will not go, it's not my bedtime" shouted Betsy from the back of Quirrel's head. Quirrel suddenly conjured a teddy bear which he threw at Weasley. "DIE!"

The bear grew to enormous proportions as it flew unerringly to it's target. Ron squealed in fright as the now three hundred pound stuffed bear landed on top of him.

Quirrel staggered, his face was nearly burned off at this point. "He stole my little pony t-shirt!" Betsy shouted.

Thinking quickly Hermione grabbed a pitcher of cold pumpkin juice and she shoved Harry's burning hand into the cold liquid. Flitwick hastened from the head table to help his students while Betsy continued to hurl deadly teddy bears at Dumbledore.

The fight continued for only a few more minutes before Quirrel staggered and fell to his knees. "No!" howled Betsy, then Quirrel slumped to the floor and moved no more.

Black smoke rose above the still body and formed into the shape of a teddy bear before fading away.

"Oh my god the headmaster killed Professor Quirrel!" shouted one student.

"No, wait I was.."

"He's a murderer!" shouted another.

"Evil wizard!" shouted a third.

"Silence!" bellowed Dumbledore. "Minerva, see to removing these bears and helping any injured students."

As always when she looked at him the giant Horcrux sign flashed into existence over his head and then started to fade.

Turning away she muttered. "Right away Head Horcrux... ah... Headmaster."

Dumbledore scowled at her, then noted the number of students glaring at him. He wisely decided that his office is where he needed to be.

He hadn't reached the exit of the hall when he overheard a student. "So the smiley face scar is a Horcrux, what's a horcrux?"

He quickened his pace, refusing to look at anyone.

**Wain Manor...**

Harry turned away from the mirror towards Luna who was wearing a My Little Pony T-Shirt. "Well that was dramatic, and totally different. I like it."

Luna nodded happily, she especially enjoyed the part where the three hundred pound teddy bear landed on Ron Weasley, crushing his pelvis. Ever since he made up the name of Looney for her she had a bit of a grudge against him.

"Little Harry burned his hand, but Hermione dunking it in the juice stopped the burn from spreading. Madam Pomfrey will have it fixed up in no time," Luna said primly. "As for the rest, well I can't take all the blame for it. You gave us a 5yr girl as a possessing dark lord, couple that with naturally immature preteens and teens and there was bound to be an explosion sooner or later."

"Betsy's been out to get Ron Weasley ever since he very maturely stuck his tongue out at Quirrel when he was writing on the board," Luna added. "I just helped it along a little."

"I'd say that the 5yr old homicidal Betsy was a success, we'll have to try it again in the future," Harry said, then he frowned.

"This summer Harry will be locked up at the Dursleys, it might pay to revisit them and make sure they treat him better," he mused.

Luna nodded and pulled out a notebook. "Do you want to see he's treated better, or just get him away from them for the summer?"

Harry paused in his thinking and turned to her. "I'm not sure, if we want to keep throwing the old man curve balls we have to at least pretend to stick to the time line. Why not just arrange for Harry to spend the last week or two with Hermione at her place?"

Luna nodded, "That would work well I think. I doubt the Dursleys will be much of a problem this year, and it will give me a chance to catch Dobby."

"Luna, don't hurt him!" Harry said sharply.

In about half the universes they had been to, Dobby had been more like Kreacher than the Dobby they grew up with.

"I'm not going to hurt him Harry, I'm just going to make sure he's safe. I think I'll also use him to make sure Harry's well fed, just in case the Dursleys do go for the locked bedroom door again."

Harry grew a wide smile and Luna looked at him quizzically. "What is it?"

"It's fitting, feeding Harry Potter out of the Malfoy larder. Merlin if only we could have little Harry send Lucius a public thank you note that the whole world could see."

Luna chuckled, "It would be nice, but we have other plans for Lucius, remember? Oh by the way, how goes his reconstruction efforts?"

Harry snickered. "I adjusted Lucius to be a bit more frugal. Hence he's living in a poorly made shack while he tries by his own hand to rebuild the Manor house and mind you, Lucius is no craftsman."

Luna joined him in his laughter.

"So where do you want to go this summer?" he asked casually.

Without real jobs and access to unlimited the funds plus untold power, the world had become their playground. Usually during the summer months they took a vacation that lasted a month. It didn't matter where in the world they were, they were capable of popping back to England to fix any problems, so they used the time to travel extensively.

"Disney World?" Luna asked hopefully, she adored the theme park and thought Pirates of the Caribbean was a wonderful ride.

Harry nodded, he knew she'd ask for that. Every year they visited Disney world for a week for her to get her fix of Mickey Mouse.

**Intermission...**

Your screen fills with wavy lines and your computer suddenly starts to play the theme song from Twilight Zone. You think to yourself, _now would be a good time to go potty, get something to munch and consider the review I intend to write._

**Wain Manor...**

Luna stepped into the room and skidded to a halt, her progress stopped by an unusual sight.

Harry danced in front of a large blank wall. "Do do do do do do," he chanted.

_That sounds like a bad version of the theme to Twilight Zone,_ mused Luna.

"Do I want to know what you're doing?" she asked.

Harry turned towards Luna and blushed. "Umm well if you must know I'm advancing the time line for our readers."

Luna frowned. "Readers?"

Harry nodded happily at her, he was so pleased that she understood!

"What readers," she through gritted teeth.

Harry's expression fell, she didn't understand! Reluctantly he sat down and waved her to take a seat.

She sat and waited expectantly. "Well?"

"We know there are infinite universes right?" he asked.

She warily nodded, certain this was going to be one of those explanations which gave her a headache.

"If there are an infinite number of universes where an infinite number of different things are happening, then it stands to reason that in a subset of the first infinity there is a second infinity in which people are reading about us and what we're doing as if we were some kind of story."

As he spoke, he scrawled runes and arithmantic equations in the air. He also included a large dose of quantum physics and string theory. She thought the animations of little string people representing the varying states of the greater quantum flux was a nice touch.

When Harry finally wound down Luna wandlessly summoned a headache potion, then she leaned forward in her chair rubbing her temples. She couldn't fault his logic, or his mathematics. But the concept of a subset of infinity being also infinity, well that hurt even her brain.

"So you think there are universes where people are reading about us? And that gave you the idea to dance in front of a wall?" She asked finally, after drinking her potion.

"I wasn't just dancing," he replied in a hurt tone. "I was sending them a temporal wavefront to advance their timeline. They don't really need to know what happens over the summer. And I'm not about to let them read about Harry and Hermione both discovering the joys of self gratification."

"My mother warned me there would be days like this," she muttered, "and I didn't believe her."

Luna closed her eyes for a moment and prayed for the potion to take effect. "Alright, I can understand why we don't need to get that personal with Harry and Hermione. Have you finished?"

Harry nodded. "Close enough, we've got enough time still before school starts to put our plans in place for the diary. I take it you still want to handle it yourself?"

"I'll handle the diary if you'll handle Hogwarts," she replied.

Harry nodded, it would be easy enough for him to slip into the school and place the chamber of secrets under a fidelius charm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Standard Disclaimer:**

Alyx looked around carefully, then she snuck up on the sleeping Bob. "Shhhh!" she said to the audience. "He's sleeping."

Grinning madly she grabbed a rope and started to pull on it. Slowly the 105mm Howitzer field artillery piece entered from the wings.

Positioning the gun just right she walked over to pull the lanyard.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Bob said softly.

Alyx turned and looked at him in shock. "Do what?"

He sat up from the bed and looked at the cannon. "You were going to use that to wake me weren't you?"

She leaned against the huge gun. "This? Oh no I wouldn't dream of it. I was... ummm... considering how it would look next to the coffee table!" she replied brightly. Then she quickly grabbed a bunch of flowers and put then into the mouth of the barrel.

Slowly the flowers slipped into the long barrel and vanished from sight.

"If you're going to try to convince me that it's a nice vase, it's not going to work," Bob said dryly.

Alyx huffed and changed the angle of the cannon to point directly at Bob. "Watch it..."

She trailed off as Bob smiled and pointed up. She glanced up to see a nuclear bomb hanging from a rope over her head and the rope was slowly unraveling.

Bob turned to the audience. "While Alyx and I rediscover the joys of detente, I'll just say, we don't own Harry Potter and start the chapter. Enjoy folks."

* * *

**Diagon Alley, the Summer between First and Second Year... **

Luna quickly spotted her prey and she moved to come in from behind.

The tall blond was moving with purpose towards the bookstore when he stopped dead in his tracks.

Luna moved to block his path. "Return home, I will speak with you there," she said trying to sound menacing.

Lucius nodded and turned to head back to the apparation point.

Luna watched him for a moment, then looked at the bookstore where she knew the Weasleys would be getting their books.

Her eyes glazed for a moment, then she turned and skipped towards the exit. Behind her, from the bookstore people could clearly hear Ron Weasley shout, "Gilderoy, my love! Kiss me!"

"And he had the nerve to call me Looney?" she muttered to herself.

**Malfoy Shack, not far from well, the new Malfoy Shack...**

Luna appeared not far from where Lucius had been living. The area still had premiere wards, and he had managed to finally clear away the burned rubble that had once been Malfoy Manor, home to some of the most prestigious events in Wizarding Society.

It was immediately apparent that Lucius was trying to reuse material salvaged from the first building to recreate the family home. It was also apparent that it really wasn't working out too well. The reconstruction efforts looked like someone was trying to put together the home using blind workers and plans drawn up by the three year old in crayon and glitter.

Shaking her head she turned to the current residence used by the head of the Malfoy family. It was in even worse shape than the reconstruction although it had the advantage of being professionally made. It just hadn't been made to handle years of continuous use.

Luna entered the small shack to find Lucius sitting blankly at a small table. "Sleep," she murmured towards the man and he slumped over, snoring loudly.

Luna frowned, she hated snoring and was ever so thankful that Harry rarely snored. Looking around she spotted her target.

With a wave of her hand, a foul looking specter rose from the small book.

"Who dares?"

"Oh do shut up," Luna snapped. "Harry and I could be having a barbeque followed by hours in our hot tub and some wild sex. But no, you have to be dealt with first."

Voldemort's specter recoiled from Luna, but it was firmly held by her magic. Luna set about humming to herself while she tore the mind within the spirit to pieces and slowly rebuilt it. Finally done, she turned to Lucius.

"I think it's time you become interested in history my friend," she murmured. "Those that forget the past are liable to be eaten by three toed wifflehumpers. Oh and from now on, before you go to bed you will put carrots up your nose to prevent snoring."

She paused and smiled, then with a gesture she burned that statement into Lucius' subconscious. _Let him puzzle that one for a while, lord I wish Harry were here to hear that, I love the look on his face when I say something like that!_ She thought.

After her real mum had died in that fire she had taken to inventing strange animals just to get a reaction from her father who had slipped into a depression over the loss of his wife. However with Harry's power she found that sometimes, if she caught him off guard, she could say something and he'd inadvertantly create the creature using his power.

Now in every universe they visited she brought multiple breeding pairs of Celestial Snorkacks. Someday she hoped Harry would make a Great Green Land Whale, she was really curious to see what it looked like. It was no longer a bid for attention, Harry really went out of his way to spoil her. No, now her animal inventions were merely for her own personal amusement.

**Wain Manor...**

Luna entered the large sitting room to find Harry staring down at a large book. The viewing mirror currently showed the headmaster's office.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to confirm something. Did you know Skele-grow can be addicting?"

Luna sat down and smiled at the cup of tea that appeared in front of her. He was always taking care of her and this was just a prime example of it.

"I suppose it's possible," she said slowly, "but I can't see anyone taking enough..."

She trailed off and her eyes widened. "Merlin, you don't mean!"

"I don't know for certain, I overheard Poppy talking about it to Minerva, they are on their way to the old goat's office now to discuss it," he admitted, then waved to the book. "I was checking Moste Potente Potions to see what it had to say. So far all I can tell is that without a missing bone the potion does nothing at all, it's like all the ingredients are totally inert."

Luna nodded. "That would make sense, after all a potion meant to grow bones could be dangerous to someone who didn't have a missing bone."

Harry looked at Luna with a piercing glare and she had the grace to look away. "I know, it was a mistake, the person who invented the potion was a muggle born and still had a little logic left in them. We do try to beat it out of them you know."

Harry arched an eyebrow and smirked. "Well right..." he replied smugly. "Until they met Hermione."

She nodded, feeling just a bit jealous. "Yes yes, she was one student that they couldn't sway to their point of view. I swear Harry, sometimes I think you really wanted her instead of me."

Harry gave her a hurt look. "Luna, I didn't want one of you over the other. Had our Hermione been alive I would have demanded both of you and prayed we'd be able to work something out. You remember what things were like in England for us at the end. Hunted, hungry and constantly afraid."

Luna sighed and nodded guiltily. Harry, her Harry and from what she had seen of all the other Harry's didn't have jealous bone in his body. He had somehow even indulged one of her fantasies by creating a copy of himself so she could experience two lovers instead of just one.

Harry reached forward and took her hand in his. "What did I tell you about what we'll do when we're finally done?"

"Find a nice place to live, raise a family and maybe work on a book about magical animals and rule the world," she whispered.

"Do you believe me?"

She nodded. "I'm sorry, but sometimes..."

He stopped her with a gentle finger to her lips. "It would have been nice to save Hermione too, but it wasn't possible. We'll have our family and our time together, maybe we'll name one of our daughters Hermione Selene after our friend and your mum."

She hurtled into his arms and crushed herself against him. There was only a touch of seer left in her blood, but she could see the pretty blond green eyed girl clearly in her mind. And behind her another daughter and a son. What puzzled her about that image was the other daughter had frizzy brown hair.

Harry pulled her into his lap and cuddled with her. Even after all this time she was still a bit insecure about her place in his world. She knew Harry loved her and she knew that even if Hermione had been added into their group, he would have still loved her. It was something she thought about often.

Both looked up when they heard a voice from the viewing mirror.

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts...**

"Come!"

The door opened admitting Minerva and Poppy Pomfrey.

Dumbledore waited until both women were settled and an elf had delivered tea for them.

Minerva avoided looking directly at the old man. Every time she did, that sign appeared over his head with that weird word that she didn't understand.

"Ladies?"

"Headmaster, Poppy brought something to my attention that I think you need to be made aware of," Minerva said formally.

"Oh?" he said, then turned to look at Poppy.

Poppy put down her cup. "I was examining our potion stores just like I do before the start of every term. Normally the preterm inventory should show a bottle of Skele-grow potion with 50 doses in the bottle. The bottle was freshly brewed near the end of last term but it contained less than 20 doses.

"It was confusing, but then I checked my records from last year and realized that I might have inadvertently caused a big problem. It happens from time to time among healers and even muggle doctors, it's not something we're happy about, but we do strive to avoid it."

"Avoid what my dear?" asked Dumbledore.

"Sir, according to my records, Professor Snape required 78 doses of Skele-grow last term. I cannot understand how he managed to damage himself so badly but I also cannot escape the conclusion that I have aided one of my patients in becoming addicted to a potion."

She knew exactly why Snape required so many doses, but she was not about to admit to all the wand misfires she had experienced last year.

Dumbledore blinked, he had expected a lot of things from Poppy, but never that!

"Addicted?"

Poppy nodded sadly. "Skele-grow addiction is terrible. If he continues to use the potion his bones will eventually become highly elastic. Weaning him off of the potion will be a terribly painful process, one that we're not really suited to handling here. Frankly the best bet would be for him to voluntarily check himself into St. Mungos potion abuse clinic, but I can't see Severus even admitting to the problem."

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair allowing Poppy to see the smiley face scar. She frowned, she had tried on a number of occasions to get the headmaster in for a check up and he had refused.

"We really can't force Severus to enter the potion abuse clinic," he murmured.

Poppy nodded unhappily. "I know, but we need to do something Headmaster, as it stands I don't have enough potion to last the whole year and I'm reluctant to ask Severus to make more. He'd only end up making extra to feed his habit and because he's been making our potions for years I do not have a budget that will allow the purchase of the potion. It's rather expensive you know."

Dumbledore nodded and pulled a small book out of his desk which he quickly consulted. "I will authorize your purchase of the potion and before it arrives I will come to the infirmary to place a barrier ward on your potions cabinet. The ward will only allow myself and whomever I key into it access. We have very limited discretionary funds, but I think we can cover this."

He paused and Poppy nodded in relief. "Now then," he continued, "what shall we do about Severus? If your suspicions are correct then we need to help him."

Poppy frowned. "I'm not sure Headmaster, until he's willing to admit to having a problem, it's impossible to force him into treatment."

Dumbledore frowned deeply, the odds of a private man like Severus admitting to any kind of problem, lot alone an addiction were doubtful in the extreme. Something had to be done!

**Potions Office, Hogwarts...**

Snape sighed in relief as the pain of the potion kicked in. He watched his pinky being regrown. It was the 38th time this summer he had vanished that bone and it still grew back perfectly! Magic was a wondrous thing indeed!

Standing carefully, he walked over to the door. He had noticed that one of his legs had developed a distinct wobble, but he was sure it wasn't anything to worry about. No, it was time to start working on his plans for tormenting the students in the coming year. Oh joy!

**Wain Manor...**

"So Snape's a junkie and Dumbledore is being forced to spend money he doesn't want to spend. What about the other loose ends?" asked Luna.

Harry looked away from the mirror and faced her. "Other loose ends?"

She sighed heavily, Harry had new plans, she could read him like a book. She paused and nearly giggled, _yes she could read him like a book, a low grade porn novel_ she thought, _but then I think I can be even smuttier than he can._

"Loose ends Harry, Pettigrew, Barty Crouch Jr, Bellatrix and so on?"

He smiled at her and she resisted the urge to cast a stinging hex at him. He was immune to human magic and she really didn't want to get into a fight with someone that can turn her bunny slippers into ravenous flesh eating footwear.

"All in good time Luna, we've taken out the main spirit of Voldemort. You've essentially disarmed the diary although that still needs to be played out. Bellatrix is in prison and no one is going to break her out. Wormtail and Crouch will be dealt with during forth year during the tournament..."

"You're going to make Harry compete?" she exclaimed. In all of the universes they had visited he had stopped Harry from competing in the tournament. In some cases he even blew up the Goblet of Fire in an explosion strong enough to remove Dumbledore, Snape and Karkarov from the scene permanently. Since Dumbledore's death in those cases had been unintentional, Harry managed to skirt by without invoking the wrath of GOD Inc.

"Relax," Harry said softly, he made a motion with his hands to calm down. "I thought about it and in the past we usually just assassinated a bunch load of people, leaving the wizarding world to ponder a major mystery. That bothered me. This time we'll do it right, yes Harry is going to compete. My first inclination was to have the Goblet spit out hundreds of names including every student except Harry and Hermione, but that would only draw attention to them by reason of omission."

"Harry," she chided gently, "the tournament is dangerous."

He nodded. "It is very dangerous, and Harry's going to be very mad. But you'll explain to him that he's protected."

"You want us to speak to Harry?" she exclaimed? They had never talked to their principle since they started universe hopping.

"Not as Luna, no. You'll explain to Harry in your angel form that someone very high up is taking a personal interest in his safety and he'll come to no harm. You might also have to talk to Hermione, but I'm sure she'll come on board quickly enough."

He sat up and looked at her intently. "Look Luna, I was never sure about Dumbledore. I can honestly say that if Crouch hadn't put my name in the Goblet, Dumbledore might have still arranged for me to be in it. If my plan works the way I want it to, this will all be done by the end of forth year.

"Harry will be living with Sirius. Dumbledore will be disgraced and be the sole remaining Horcrux. The death eaters will be dead and the threat eliminated. The only thing left for us to do at that point will be to sit back and enjoy watching Harry grow up with his best friend at his side."

She frowned. "But you're leaving a Horcrux behind."

He waved a hand dismissing her complaint. "Don't worry, I have plans for that as well."

She nodded a bit warily, then brightened when a box appeared on the coffee table.

He looked at her with a wide disarming grin. "Chutes and Ladders? Winner gets a sensual massage and a nite of whatever they desire?"

She nodded happily, Harry was terrible at this game and never won, but he kept trying!

**Malfoy Shack, August 30th...**

Lucius Malfoy had tried for weeks to fight the urge, but he could fight it no longer.

He pulled out a small quill and a bottle of ink, then he opened the book and began to write.

_I, Lord Lucius Caesar Malfoy, Lord of the all of this domain, claim this book for my personal use. Let none touch it lest they be cursed,_ he wrote.

_Lucy snookums!_ Wrote back the book.

Lucius frowned and made to throw the book away from him. Suddenly he stopped and with a slight whimper he opened the book again. _Master?_ He wrote.

_I'm back boobbala,_ penned the book. _We're going to have so much fun Lucy. But first, have you gotten any piercings? I really like piercings but it's so hard to get any when I'm trapped in this book!_

Lucius blinked and quickly wrote. _No I have no piercings, but Sire, if that is your wish..._

As the book explained, Lucius winced and nodded like a dutiful slave. It would be hard, but self piercings with rusty fish hooks was feasible. It was what the master commanded.

It was obvious that the Malfoy slogan of "We bow before no one." had been long forgotten.

**Kings Cross Station, Sept 1st...**

Harry met up with Hermione and to the surprise of her parents, she threw herself into his hug.

It had been a decent summer for Harry, if a bit boring and despite his hopes he hadn't managed to hook up with Hermione during the summer except for a single day in Diagon Alley.

Surprisingly the obstacle to Harry staying with Hermione wasn't Dumbledore, it was her parents. They barely knew the boy and her father was naturally wary of any boy hanging around his daughter.

"I think we need to rethink the 'Harry' situation," Emma Granger said softly to her husband.

Daniel Granger observed his daughter hugging Harry and he nodded unhappily. "I guess it wouldn't hurt to get to know the lad better," he mused. "Hermione seems to like him a lot."

"And he likes her," added Emma. "Did you see his smile? It looked like someone had just told him he'd won an award."

Dan grunted and waved as Hermione and Harry boarded the train just as it started to pull away from the station. He sighed and motioned his wife towards the exit. Passing through the crowd he couldn't help but notice two red heads in wizard robes standing around in public looking bewildered.

"I know I parked it right here Molly!" Arthur said.

In another corner of the station Malfoy stood and quickly wrote in his book.

_Mudbloods and Muggle lovers all of them Master, they are on the train heading up to that old fool's school._

_They will get what's coming for them soon Lucy. But now you need to find more fishhooks!_ Replied the book. _Soon it will be time to reveal the mighty Beast of Slytherin!_

Lucius nodded and hurriedly left the station.

**Wain Manor...**

Luna looked up from the viewing mirror and gave a small sigh. Her counterpart in this universe had been sorted and welcomed into Ravenclaw finally.

"I'm sorry," Harry said softly. "I know how much it bothers you that we come back early enough to save your mum, but we're not allowed to prevent her death."

She gave him a weak smile. "I know, if we could we'd save your parents as well, but it's just not possible."

"Look at it this way, Luna's in Ravenclaw and it already looks like she'll find a friend with Harry and Hermione."

Luna glanced up at the mirror where she saw Luna explaining something to Harry who was nodding and motioning for her to continue. She smiled at that, she had been a lonely little girl at Hogwarts and it wasn't until her fourth year that she really made some friends.

"Now what's this about Ron?" he asked.

Her smile turned sheepish. "Well you know he invented that name for me?"

Harry nodded slowly and tried to look stern. "Luna, you sabotaged the invisibility charm on the car, then you deliberately made that RAF training flight go off course so they would spot the flying car. They chased him all the way to Hogwarts before they got permission to fire a missile at him.

"He's shot down over the castle and crashes into the ground just above the Slytherins dorms. The damage is so bad the dorms are flooding. And to make matters worse, Muggles are searching for the wreckage. It's only the anti-muggle wards that are keeping them out of the forest and finding the castle."

Luna peered at him. "Your complaining about me creating a little mayhem?" she asked incredulously.

He shook his head. "No I'm just marveling at how much mayhem you managed to cause with only two spells."

He smiled at her and she felt a flutter inside. "I can't take all the credit for it, you taught me the spell that made those aeroplanes fly the wrong way. As for Ron, well I hated that name. It set the tone for my early years at school. Things didn't get better for me until I met you in the DA."

He smiled and pulled her hand up to kiss it. "One of the best things to ever happen to both of us," he murmured.

He sat next to her and nodded towards the mirror. "Did you see the way Snape was walking? The man looks like a drunken sailor on the pitching deck of a ship and he still refuses to acknowledge a problem. All the professors pretend to not notice his wobbly gait. They are all afraid of mentioning it to him."

"What are you intending to do about it?" she asked. "He's only going to keep vanishing his pinky and regrowing it, plus he can always make more."

"True true, but he'll need a cauldron for that and I've removed all the cauldrons from the castle. Tomorrow he'll discover that all of the cauldrons, including the student owned ones are missing. He'll have to report it to the Headmaster, who will have to dig into his funds to buy new ones."

Luna snickered and leaned over to cuddle with him while they watched Harry and Hermione interact with Luna. It warmed her heart to know that she would have friends right from the outset of school instead of having wait until her forth year and the start of the DA.

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, Sept 2nd...**

"Come!"

The door opened and Severus Snape wobbled into the room. "Headmaster, you must summon the aurors! Someone has stolen our cauldrons!"

Dumbledore stared at Snape for a moment then shook his head as if to deny what the man had said. "I beg your pardon?"

Snape plopped down in a chair opposite the old man and scowled thunderously. "I went into the cauldron storage room this morning before class. It was empty! Someone has removed all of the cauldrons! Even the ones belonging to the students."

Dumbledore stared at the man. "You mean to say that over 500 cauldrons have disappeared? Sippy!"

A small elf appeared with a pop. "Yes sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster?"

Dumbledore scowled, the elves had changed his name from his preferred 'Lord Hogwarts' to this abomination. "Yes Sippy, do you know anything about the cauldrons that have gone missing?"

Sippy shook his head so violently his ears flapped. "No sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster! Weze not touch any cauldrons, oh no sir! Should Sippy iron his hands sir oh mighty smiley one?"

"No Sippy, no ironing is required this time, and thank you for coming so promptly, you may go about your duties now."

Sippy bowed and vanished with another pop.

"I already asked the elves," Snape said acidly.

"A second questioning won't hurt my dear boy. I will summon the aurors, but you realize that we'll need to cancel your classes until they are done with their investigation?"

"Yes yes, just call them already. I can't teach potions with no cauldrons!" Snape snarled, then he stood and wobbled from the room.

Reluctantly the old man arose and walked over to the floo, he really didn't want aurors nosing about his school.

**Wain Manor...**

Harry opened the door to their sitting room and stopped dead in his tracks. On the viewing mirror he could see Hermione and Luna sitting on Hermione's bed.

"_That was quite a book you gave me Hermione," Luna said with a slight blush._

"_Yes, Harry gave me that last year, but I could say the same for you Luna, the photos of the Celestial Snorkacks were outstanding. I never would have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself."_

"_Hermione?"_

_Hermione was shaking her head and marveling at the book in her lap of exotic magical animals that Luna had loaned her. She noted it even contained a reference to a magical giant panda. _

_She looked up from the book. "Yes?"_

"_Do you think Harry likes girls? I mean he likes you, but I never noticed him looking at us as anything other than friends."_

_Hermione frowned. "Luna, I know he likes girls, he was the one that showed me that particular book. He's a boy, so he's slow and shyer than most boys too. Why do you ask?"_

_Luna shivered slightly and Hermione started to worry. "There's this boy in Gryffindor, he's a first year. I noticed him following Harry a lot with his eyes. But a few days ago he stopped me in the library. He said he wanted to get to know me and he thought I was cute. The way he looked at me made me feel... dirty? Uncomfortable. I think he only really wants to use me to get closer to Harry."_

_Hermione scowled. "What is his name?"_

"_Colin Creepy or Creaky... Something like that."_

_Hermione reached out and placed a comforting hand on Luna's shoulder. "Luna, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If this boy bothers you, stay away from him and tell him to stay away from you. If it gets too bad Professor Flitwick will speak to him. _

"_As for Harry, he's a boy, they don't mature as fast as we do. He'll get there eventually, but right now his main priority is his friends. He doesn't have a lot of them and each one to him is a treasure. Harry and I both consider you our friend, he'll help you if you let him."_

_Luna nodded, relieved that Hermione's comments didn't reveal any hidden motives. She was highly empathic and could sense when someone was hiding something from her. Between Harry and Hermione she now knew she had good friends that could stand with her no matter what._

Harry waved a hand and the mirror faded back to normal, then he turned to his Luna.

"What was that all about? You yell at me for trying to hook Harry up with both of those girls, then I find you doing the same thing?" he asked.

His Luna shuddered slightly and he noted her eyes were glazed over. He sighed and waited for her to come out of it. She was casting magic at people and objects at a great distance and she always entered into a trance when she did this.

Slowly her eyes lost their glaze and she shivered deeply. "That was truly disturbing."

He sat next to her and took her hand in his own. "What was?"

"Colin Creevy, he was hitting on Luna. He's only eleven and his mind is already a cesspool! I spotted him hitting on Luna the other day and decided to look into it. He wanted to 'use' her to get closer to Harry, and I do mean 'use her'," she said in disgust.

Harry's expression grew distasteful. He remembered Colin as an annoying fan boy. He was one of the few 'light' side people that Harry actually was pleased about when he was killed by a giant.

"Alright but why have Hermione and Harry give Luna that book. You know what kind of ideas that's going to generate. I thought you didn't want them forming a trio like that."

Luna gave him a piercing look. "Dear, I would rather Harry, Hermione and Luna have wild three way orgies every night than to let her be lulled into trusting a boy that only wants to use her. Harry and Hermione like Luna, they would never deliberately hurt her. I'll admit that by nudging them to loan her that book I pushed them a little closer to forming a triplet, but it was the only way I could see to bring them closer together in time to prevent Luna from getting hurt by Colin."

"You know what this means don't you?"

Luna looked over at him and eyed him warily. "What?"

He leaned closer. "I win the bet." he said in a whisper.

Luna rolled her eyes and groaned. She had forgotten about that dratted bet she had made. "Alright, what's it going to cost me?"

Harry looked up at the ceiling with a wide smile. "Oh maybe a week or two of Naughty School Girls. Or we could play Pirates and Maidens."

Luna winced. "Alright, School Girls, you know that ship makes me sea sick."

Harry nodded happily, he'd get to play Naughty School Girls and little Harry just might luck out after all.

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, Sept 5th ...**

Dumbledore looked down at the requisition that Snape had placed on his desk and scowled. The Aurors were still looking into the missing cauldrons but had not found them yet. Meanwhile Snape had put together a request to buy the bare minimum needed to keep the classes open as well as provide for the school in general.

This would pretty much empty their discretionary funds. He'd have no choice but to ask the board for more funds to be allocated. The staff were not going to be pleased, traditionally their Christmas bonuses came from that fund. It was one way he used to keep the school on a tight budget. No teacher wanted to spend their bonus no matter how dedicated they were.

_Damn,_ he thought. _If only the stupid goblins weren't such sticklers for paperwork, I'd have access to the Potter vault and be able to replace this money without alerting the board!_

The Goblins insisted on seeing the will before they would acknowledge his position as Harry's guardian, but he had sealed the will and couldn't unseal it without permission from the Wizengamot. That would leave him open to questions he did not want to answer.

Grabbing a quill he signed the request with a growl, then he pushed it back towards Snape.

"When will they arrive?"

"Now that I have this approval, I should be able to have enough cauldrons on hand in a week Headmaster," Snape said smoothly.

"Very well, see that a notice is placed in every common room. And I expect you to oversee the distribution of the cauldrons to the students," replied Dumbledore.

"Headmaster," Snape said in agreement, then he stood and wobbled from the office.

"You know it's possible he sold those cauldrons to pay for his addiction," said Phineas Nigellus from his spot on the wall. "I don't like addicts, you can't trust them."

Dumbledore grunted sourly, that thought had occurred to him as well. And he was well aware that his potions master was using a spell to give himself some support.

"1450 Galleons to replace 400 cauldrons, the board is not going to be happy about this," he muttered. "At least the Auror report will help the board to recognize the problem."

Dumbledore scowled at the door and considered how to approach the board for additional funding.

**Malfoy Shack Sept 12th ...**

"Engorgio!"

Lucius stared at himself, he had never used the engorgio spell on this particular part of himself so many times before. He wondered if he had, perhaps things might have been better between him and Narcissa. They might even have more children, instead of Draco the carrot, laying next to the Longbottom potatoes.

"More fishhooks!" commanded the book in his mind. "We must perfect our beast before you unleash it on those fools!"

"Yes master," Lucius said with a whimper, then he reached for another fish hook. It was one of those triple hooked ones, he hated those! The master would not let him get away with just the one piercing.

The book was nearly complete with it's download into Lucius' mind. Soon he could leave the book behind and begin his reign of terror!

**Hogwarts Potions classroom, Sept 13th...**

Snape waited until every student filed into the room. Class was more than a week late, but finally it was starting again. With a heavy scowl he faced the class of fifth years.

"When I call your name from the roll, come over here and select a cauldron from the pile," he said, then he used his wand to open the door behind him.

"Anderson, Sarah," he called.

A pretty blond stood and walked over to the room and stared inside.

"Professor?" she said timidly.

"Well girl are you a complete dunderhead? Grab a cauldron so I can call the next person," he snapped.

"Professor, the room is empty," replied Sarah in a frightened squeak.

Snape turned so fast his legs twisted together like a pretzel, the tension quickly whipped him back around in the opposite direction and he was flung into a wall face first. He slid to the ground moaning and dazed.

By the time he came to Dumbledore was already in the room, examining the cauldron storage room. Snape knew immediately he was in trouble since no one was paying any attention to him.

Sighing unhappily Dumbledore turned to the class. "I'm sorry, but it looks like Potions is canceled yet again. I'm quite afraid that we will not be able to replace your cauldrons this term. While I don't want to alarm you, Potions may not resume until next term. Now I'll suggest you return to your common rooms or go to the library."

Dumbledore waited patiently for the student to file out. While that was happening, Snape tried to stand on legs that suddenly had the consistency of rubber.

Once the last student had left the room Dumbledore turned to Snape with an angry expression. It would have been perfect in cowering Snape except for the fact that the Smiley Face was staring at him with crossed eyes and was sticking out it's tongue.

"Severus," Dumbledore began painfully, "I know it's not easy admitting one has a problem, but resorting to thievery to support your addiction is not the answer."

"But headmaster..."

"Enough! I have been patience but you are clearly addicted to Skele-grow Severus, I and the others have tried to look the other way in the hopes that you'd come to your senses and ask for help. Look at yourself man! You can barely walk, your bones remind me of a muggle toy called Gumby! You don't walk, you wobble! And this... this... How am I to explain to the board that we must replace the cauldrons again!"

Dumbledore paused and took a deeper breath to calm himself. "Here is what you are going to do. You are going to check yourself into St. Mungos for treatment. In the meantime Potions class is canceled. When you finally return you will be docked 50 percent of your pay until all of the missing cauldrons have been paid for. If you don't do this, I'll turn you over to the Aurors and we both know that you won't last long through their questioning. Azkaban is quite chilly this time of year."

Dumbledore's gaze pinned him down like a bug. "Am I understood?"

Snape, his face ashen, nodded. "Yes Headmaster."

"Fine, Hagrid will take over your house in your absence."

Snape winced and nodded tearfully.

Dumbledore glared for a moment longer, the spun on his heel and walked from the room

"I don't have a problem," Snape mumbled as he vanished his pinky and reached for his vial of potion.

**Wain Manor...**

"I see you managed to get rid of Snape already."

Harry looked up from his Batman comic book and grinned at her. "Yes it was rather easy although I'm afraid his treatment is going to take a little longer than normal."

She nodded, she had expected he'd do something like this.

"I have to admit, the potions addiction was rather amusing," she offered. "But you're hurting the entire school by..."

She stopped and stared. Harry was shaking a finger at her. "Ah ah ah! You should know better. Hermione has already organized a study group. Its being copied by the older Claws and will soon be copied by the other houses as well. In a way I've done them all a favor. By taking away the practical portion of Potions until the new year, the students have to take a closer look at the theory, which you know Snape refused to teach to anyone but his snakes."

Luna thought about that for a moment, then she acknowledged the point. "Well I just thought you might want to know that you're not the only one that can play."

Harry arched and eyebrow and looked at her in anticipation. "Oh?"

She pushed a copy of the Daily Prophet across the coffee table towards him. He picked it up and read a very interesting and rather alarming article about a researcher who had discovered that a major mistake had been made concerning one of the founding fathers of Hogwarts.

It seems that many old texts had been mistranslated, and people kept perpetuating the mistake. Slytherin's house wasn't the house of Snakes like so many had believed. No it was the house of the Snails.

It seems that Salazar Slytherin had been an avid herbologist and he had opted to use a Snail as his house totem in honor of his favorite field.

"Snails," Harry whispered, then he started to laugh. Its hard to be afraid of a Dark Wizard who liked Snails. Sometimes tearing down reputations was almost as much fun as tearing down people.

Luna preened, it wasn't every day that she managed to catch Harry by surprise. If she knew the ideas running through Harry's head she would have never attempted to sully Sally's reputation.

**Gringotts, Diagon Alley...**

Lucius Malfoy had a problem. Forgetting the vegetable for a son and a dead wife, he now had a deranged Dark Lord taking up residence in his head. This isn't to say that the Dark Lord wasn't deranged to start with, but after having played with Luna, his mental stability was leaning far to the left, and twirling, counter clockwise, to the tune of the Llama Song.

"Left left left right left," chanted Voldemort.

Lucius dutifully followed his master's chants and marched up the steps to Gringotts.

"Left left left right left. I don't know but it's been said, Goblin Gold is mixed with lead," chanted Voldemort.

Lucius marched to the front door, repeating his master. "I don't know but it's been said, Goblin Gold is mixed with lead."

The guards eyed the strangely garbed wizard and growled in anger. Now they were used to unusually dressed wizards, but they had never seen one wearing a cod piece before, let alone one the size of a country fair award winning pumpkin. And what he was saying was grounds for war!

"Are you sure about this Master?" asked Lucius fearfully. The Goblin guards were eying him and sharpening their weapons.

"Of course I'm sure," Voldemort replied using Lucius to speak. "This is the ultimate revenge, we give all your money away to people like Potter and let them deal with the headache. You don't need money when you have me!"

"I live to serve master. Your wish is my command."

"Yes yes I understand that, now step forward and tell that foul goblin what to do."

The foul goblin looked up at Lucius and glared at him, then he pressed a button on the underside of his desk.

"You there foul Goblin," commanded Lucius, "I want you to transfer all of my money into the Potter vaults. Be quick about it!"

"You are aware that once the money has been moved, it's no longer yours?"

"Yes yes, now do as I command or I shall unleash Slytherin's beast upon you!"

The goblin's eyes narrowed and he scribbled a note on a piece of parchment, then he sent it flying away.

"The money will be moved within the hour sir, now if you'll be good enough to follow me, we shall attend to the remainder of your vault contents," the Goblin snarled.

"Are there any fishhooks in the vaults?" Voldemort blurted out.

The goblin growled. "No! Now follow me please."

Lucius nodded slightly and followed the Goblin down a dimly lit corridor and into a large room where eight burly goblins jumped him and set about beating him.

A hour later and now sporting some wonderfully colorful bruises, an obliviated Lucius Malfoy was pushed out of the rear entrance of Gringotts and left to moan in a puddle.

Voldemort's remained conscious throughout the beating, screaming and threatening the goblins with death and destruction. It never once occurred to him that his threats were the reason the beating lasted as long as it did.

**Wain Manor...**

"So Harry's rich and it didn't take you putting any of your money into Harry's account," commented Luna.

"It always bothered me that Harry had so little," he replied. "Hell it bothered me about my own accounts. They talked about how I had a trust vault and all that other stuff, but by the time I left school the trust was nearly gone and I found Dumbledore had been helping himself to my family vault to pay for his Order. He nearly bankrupted me. Plus the goblins..."

Luna nodded and reach out for his hand. She knew he was still angry at the Goblins. He had extended a hand of friendship to Griphook and he had betrayed him. When the goblins tried to make him pay for the damages, he submitted to Gringotts a bill for saving the bank from Voldemort. The goblins went insane seeing a bill that was larger than the combined GNP of the G8.

"You won't have to worry about it this time. The Malfoy fortune will see him through."

Harry nodded absentmindedly.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked.

"I'm wondering if I shouldn't use my influence to relocate half of Harry's money to another bank," he replied.

"Meaning you intend to go into Gringotts and intimidate them into cooperating," she countered.

He grinned back at her and she sighed. "You never grow up," she muttered affectionately.

"If I did grow up, you'd be bored," he replied smugly, then he bowed with a flourish and vanished from view. She shivered in response, his magic was in a class by itself and it always turned her on when she witnessed it at close hand.

She sat on the couch facing the mirror and waved a hand causing it to switch perspectives to follow Harry, then she reached for her cup of tea.

Harry appeared on the front steps of Gringotts. He stood for a moment taking in the scenery and enjoying the level of panic he was creating. He glowed brightly and his magic was causing the ground to ripple in waves, but that wasn't was caused the panic. No, he radiated magic so intense most wizards were made nauseous just by being close to him plus his features were obscured by his halo.

He slowly turned and every single door to Gringotts snapped open, then he climbed the stairs. Several goblins swarmed out of the building, only to vanish from sight.

Luna shook her head in dismay. Harry really didn't like Goblins!

Harry turned at the top of the stair and looked directly at Luna with a slight smirk. Luna pursed her lips in a pout. She wasn't aware that Harry knew she could watch him. With a huff she waved to turn off the mirror, there was no fun in watching him if he knew she was watching!

It wasn't until much later that she learned that Harry had threatened to shrink the Goblin race. They were extremely sensitive about their height and Harry threatened to reduce them down to one foot. He demonstrated the technique on a brigade of Goblin warriors that tried to kill him, then offered to do the same to the royal family. Needless to say Harry got his way that afternoon and the Goblins had a new boogy man to scare their children with. Mirshak Ekak, Goblin Bane, the King Shrinker.

The greatest thing was he did that and and they didn't know who he was. So even after scaring them silly, Harry Nargle was still one of their most valued customers.

It could have been worse, in one universe he summoned Grishnak, the Goblin Deity, and then he tortured the poor creature whose power didn't come close to Harry's. Those Goblins really wished they had listened to him when he first asked politely.

**St. Mungos Potion Addiction Treatment Center, Oct 1st...**

Severus Snape reluctantly checked himself into the clinic last night after Dumbledore threatened to turn him over to the aurors again.

"Mr. Snape?"

"Yes?"

"I'm to take you to one of our best therapists. Professor Dumbledore fire called and asked that we take special care of you.

"Very well," Snape replied unhappily. He followed the small woman into another room where there was a hard examination table. He was also a bit uneasy about Dumbledore asking for special treatment for him.

"Please remove your outer robe and lay face down on the table. Mistress Natasha will be in shortly."

Snape sighed and did as he was told. He had surrendered his wand when he checked in and his wandless magic was really quite weak, he felt defenseless and exposed but there was nothing he can do about it.

Laying face down on the table the woman waved her wand and suddenly his arms and legs were strapped down.

"What?"

"Just standard procedure Mr. Snape, we don't want you accidentally injuring yourself," said the woman reassuringly.

"I'm not liking this," Snape muttered.

The woman smirked at him. "I dare say your opinion of this won't get any better," she replied with a slight chuckle, then she turned and left the room.

Snape looked around warily. He was strapped face down on a table and unable to move. "When I get my hands on Albus."

"I am Natasha Collington," said a sultry voice. "But you will call me Mistress, or Lady Natasha."

He tried to see the person but she was in a position he couldn't turn to see. Suddenly the table moved and tilted until he was hanging up against the wall. His clothing was vanished except for his boxers.

"Hey!" he protested.

There was a blinding flash of pain in a thin line across his buttocks. "Silence! I will talk and you will listen. Dog! Cur! Weak minded potion addict!"

There was a whistling sound and his buttocks exploded in pain again. "Will you drink a potion?"

"What?" exclaimed Snape.

Again the pain exploded across his buttocks. "Will. You. Drink. A. Potion," she said, each word accented by a strike against his bum.

The woman moved into his field of view. "Weak spineless fool. Look at you, youngest potion master in a century and you let yourself become addicted?"

She glared at him and he couldn't help but notice she was wearing a spiked leather bustier that did little to cover her.

She smirked when he started to get aroused. "Oh I see someone approves," she crooned, then she held up a small metal tube. With a touch it sprang open lengthwise and he could see it was covered with fine needles. "You've heard of the famous Iron Maiden, well let me introduce you to my own private version, the Iron Man."

"Nooooooo!" Snape howled.

**Wain Manor...**

Luna shivered and turned off the mirror. She glanced over at Harry who was staring at the mirror in horror. She couldn't help but notice that he was covering his groin and shuddering.

"A little more than you had planned?" she asked. "Perhaps I should watch this on my private mirror. Natasha looks like a bright girl, she might even give me some new ideas."

Harry turned to look at her with an aghast expression and she laughed. "Oh Harry, if only you could see yourself! Natasha is a sadist I'm not going to learn anything useful from her. Although her wardrobe..."

She trailed off considering the leather bustier sure that Harry would enjoy that.

Harry for his part blinked a few times at her in bewilderment. She had broken him again, but that was alright, she knew ways to fix him too.

**Charm's Corridor, Hogwarts, Oct 31st...**

Dumbledore peered down the dimly lit corridor. The wards had alerted him to a problem, but as far as he could see, there was nothing here except a strange glistening liquid on the floor. He knelt down and looked at it closer.

The famed wards of Hogwarts were actually quite limited in scope. Their legend had grown over the centuries, but the Headmaster's knew the real truth. The wards were capable of warning the Headmaster and helping ward off an attack from outside. But inside the castle? They were useless. There was really no way to ward the interior of the castle to protect the students from harm.

Behind him a wall fell away with a grinding sound.

Dumbledore stumbled to his feet and whirled around. Thanks to the liquid on the floor he promptly slipped and fell on his back. In the fall his wand went skittering along the floor coming to rest about 15 feet away.

He peered at the strange opening in the wall and blanched as the mass of darkness moved! It was coming right for him at a high speed. Well sort of a high speed, if you were a turtle, frozen in solid ice on a glacier.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted, holding up one hand imperiously.

The giant snail ignored him, pouring on the speed, it crept closer and closer.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted. His calls were now attracting attention. Several house elves had popped in to see what the noise was all about. Strangely they quickly left the scene to find a more private place to laugh. Or perhaps they left merely to find a place of safety from this onrushing menace.

The snail squished closer at the speed of a creeping...snail.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted. He was relieved to see Flitwick exit his office down the hall. He was saved!

Flitwick seemed frozen to his spot as if the very horror of the situation robbed him of his ability to act. Could this be really happening? Was the old man really that stupid?

The Snail slithered closer, sliding up over his feet and up his legs.

"STOPPPPPPPPP!" Dumbledore shouted. His shout ended in a gurgling gag as the snail continued it's slide over him. Ahead an opening appeared in the wall and it headed for that opening at a remarkably slow speed.

Dumbledore lay on the floor, panting and trying to wipe the slime off of his face. He ignored the Snail as it entered the hole in the wall and the wall closed up behind it.

Flitwick finally broke from his stasis and he ran to Dumbledore. "What happened?"

"I've been slimed!"

Flitwick levitated the old man upright. He tried to vanish the slime, but it wouldn't budge. He wasn't about to touch the old man, he was covered in a smelly coating of thick goo that dripped on the floor with wet plopping sounds.

Magic resistant goo, who would have thought there could be such a thing?

The noise attracted more attention. "Headhorcrux!" shouted Minerva. As always whenever she appeared around him the sign appeared pointing at the smiley face. No one wanted to look at that bright yellow scar on the Headmaster. It had started winking at people.

"What what?"

Minerva screeched to a halt and stared at him. "What happened to you?"

"He was slimed," replied Flitwick helpfully.

"Fatally?" asked Minerva hopefully.

"I doubt it," replied Flitwick, sounding regretful.

"I got slimed get over it! Now what is the problem Professor?" shouted a very annoyed Dumbledore. _Why wouldn't they show him the respect the leader of the light deserves,_ he thought to himself.

"Oh you must come and see, something terrible!" she replied, remembering the reason for her haste.

With that she took off down the hall, with Flitwick and a slimy headmaster close behind. Both men were amazed that the old transfiguration professor could move that fast.

On the fifth floor landing she stopped and pointed. A sign floated in the air next to a spitting angry Mrs Norris. Someone had attached a water bottle via a tube to Mrs Norris and she didn't look very happy about it. But then, what cat would enjoy having a tube shoved up it's ass?

Dumbledore peered at the floating sign through slime covered glasses. "What does it mean?" he muttered.

"Enemas of the hair, be there?" muttered Flitwick. "That doesn't make any sense."

"Headmaster what happened to you?" asked Ron Weasley, he had been out wandering the castle until his dorm mates had gone to sleep. With Ron's loud snoring they insisted he wait until they were asleep before he climbed into bed. Behind him were a small cluster of other students who were also attracted by the noise.

"I got slimed! Now get to your bed you bloody little wankers!" snarled Dumbledore.

"Wankers?" muttered Ron darkly. "At least ours still work."

"Headmaster!" admonished Minerva before Dumbledore could dock points on the little twerp. He winced and nodded reluctantly.

The students filed away which was unfortunate. If they have remained they would have been witness to the enema tube slipping from the free floating cat who quickly became rocket propelled, dousing all of the present teachers with it's foul exhaust.

Mrs Norris howled so loudly she woke up villagers in Hogsmeade as she spun like a top. The force of the exhaust was enough to knock Minerva into Dumbledore who slipped and fell backwards down the stairs to the lower level. He screamed as he slid down the stairs.

Argus Filch made a grab for his cat, only to find himself lifting off the ground. The cat and janitor would have been fine except that they were over the railing when she ran out of fuel. Unlike most other rockets, this one lacked parachutes to control reentry.

No one heard the sounds of maniacal laughter from a nearby class room. Lord Lucius Malfoy, had released Slytherin's beast at the school and he intended to direct its actions from hereon. The school would be cleansed of unsavory elements.

**Ravenclaw Tower...**

Harry turned to Hermione with a perplexed expression. "That's funny, I could have sworn I heard someone screaming."

Luna and Hermione looked up at him from across the table. "Are you well Harry?" asked Luna. "Perhaps you should take a break. I didn't hear anything."

Harry shook his head and frowned. "I don't think I'm sick, I just thought I heard a scream."

Hermione pulled out her wand and cast a spell at Harry, a moment later she sat back satisfied with it's results. Harry wasn't sick.

"I told you I was fine," he replied tensely.

"Harry, you always say that, even when you're not," Hermione replied with a bit of a huff.

He looked at her sheepishly, but he couldn't deny it.

"Have you given it more thought Harry? About what I suggested?" Hermione asked.

He frowned suddenly. "I'm not convinced it's a good idea Hermione. It might sound like a dream come true but it also sounds like we all could get hurt."

Luna placed a hand on Hermione's arm and she glanced at the blond, then turned back to Harry. "Hurt how?"

He ran a hand nervously through his hair. "I don't know," he admitted. "It's not like I know much about being a boyfriend. I understand why you two want to do this, so Colin will leave Luna and you alone, but I don't know anything about being a boyfriend, what if I do it wrong? What if I pay too much attention to one of you and not the other? What if..."

"Harry," Luna said softly and he trailed off to look at her. "I see where you're coming from, but would it help any if Hermione and I promised to help you with this?"

He looked between the two for a long moment, then he nodded. "Just promise me this isn't going to end up costing me my best friends," he whispered.

Both girls sniffled a little and nodded at him with bright smiles.

Harry smiled back and leaned a little closer. "Right then... erm so I'm your boyfriend. What am I supposed to do?"

Luna blinked at him and realized that she really didn't know the answer to that question either. She turned to Hermione who also looked perplexed. "Well," she said slowly, "I know we're not ready to explore chapters 36 through 89 in Hogwarts a History, the adult version. But what we do until we are ready, I really don't know."

Luna blinked again. And Harry joined her blinking. Hermione didn't know?

"Well I read somewhere that we hold hands a lot and you carry our books for us," Luna offered.

Harry looked doubtful. "I suppose I could do that, but you two carry a lot of books around. Even more than I do."

"I know the feather light charm Harry, I'll teach it to you," offered Hermione helpfully.

Harry nodded happily, this boyfriend thing didn't sound so hard all of a sudden.

**Wain Manor...**

Luna turned to Harry with a smug expression on her face. She pointed at the mirror which still displayed Harry, Hermione and Luna at a table in the Ravenclaw Common Room. They were holding hands and trying to read, which wasn't working out too well for Harry since he couldn't turn the pages.

"I told you it would work itself out. Now tell me what you've done? The screaming Harry heard suggested you've been playing again as well," she said.

"It's nothing really. I noticed that Lucius had snuck into the castle so I decided now would be a good time to let Slytherin's true beast out of its hole."

"Harry, please tell me you didn't set the Basilisk free?"

Harry looked smug. "Of course not, the Basilisk isn't Slytherin's beast anymore is it?"

Luna looked at him in astonishment. "You mean?"

"Yah," he replied nonchalantly, "I turned the snake into a snail, then set up a series of teleports from the chamber move the snail around the castle. I bet if you switch to Dumbledore on the mirror you'll find he's not a happy camper at the moment. In fact that was probably him screaming."

Luna turned back to the mirror and nodded at it. The image slewed around wildly before settling down. Dumbledore lay in a crumpled heap on the forth floor landing while McGonagall and Flitwick argued over who would take him to the infirmary.

Both Harry and Luna were confused by the brown liquid dripping from all three of them.

"I think we're going to need more mirrors to keep track of what's going on at that school," Harry muttered.

Luna nodded in agreement.

Harry turned to her and his expression altered. He gave her a wide smile. "So do you have any idea what I'm going to do with 845 cauldrons?"

"You should return them," Luna said. "You don't need that many cauldrons and you're not usually a thief."

He winced and gave her a hurt look. "I was thinking of returning them, I'm just trying to think of the best way to do it."

She patted his arm. "I'm sure you'll think of something."

Harry nodded. "I'll give it some thought. Just keep an eye on Lucius, I don't want him hurting any students if possible."

Luna nodded and he left the sitting room. Whenever he needed to do some serious thinking he'd go off by himself, usually to ride a broom around the manor grounds.

**DADA Office, Hogwarts November 15th...**

Gilderoy Lockhart sat at his desk rather unhappy with his lot in life. It all started when his first class of Ravenclaws started questioning him and his books and since then the students had lost all respect for him.

Since the beginning of the month things had gotten rather weird even by wizarding standards. He had been caught twice by a giant snail when the castle seemed to move staircases so he had no place to flee to. And then there were the gaps in his memory.

He was an expert at the Obliviate spell and he knew how to combat it, so he didn't understand the gaps which only could come from some sort of memory spell.

He grimaced when the door opened and the next set of brats came in. He sincerely hoped this group would believe him about the Waga Waga Werewolf but he wasn't going to bet money on it.

He sunk down in his chair and a wave of despair washed over him. A pair of Ravenclaws entered the room carrying a large easel. That meant they intended to dissect his actions once again. The last time the easel contained moving illustrations, charts and graphs which detailed how it was impossible for him to defeat the Banshee.

_Sometime life really sucks, I've got to talk to my agent about getting a new job,_ he thought.

**Wain Manor...**

"You're up awful early," Luna said as she shuffled into the room. He turned to look at her and his jaw dropped. She obviously decided to continue wearing the nightie she came to bed in.

She smiled to herself, she had managed to stun him once again. She was confident in her looks but she liked to get a second opinion every so often and frankly Harry's opinion was the only one that mattered to her anymore.

She walked over and snapped her fingers under his nose and he blinked, then licked his lips. She could practically feel his hot gaze raking her form.

"So are you going to tell me why we're up so early or are you going to continue to fantasize ravishing me?"

"Which would you prefer?" he countered.

She grinned impishly. "Will your plans take all morning to watch?"

"Hardly."

"How about we watch what you had planned, then we can get to the ravishing?"

He nodded and sat on the couch, then grabbed her and pulled her into his lap. "How about we do both?"

She chuckled and turned to watch the mirror, trying very hard to ignore his hands which were caressing her form.

"What are we watching?"

"Dumbledore's quarters, he's asleep at the moment, but his alarm is set to go off right about now," he replied, then he nibbled on her neck.

"And why are we watching the old man sleep?"

"I returned the missing cauldrons last night after charming the lot of them."

She snuggled back into his embrace and watched the mirror.

_The alarm was magical and consisted of what appeared to be a ghost of a man from the 10th century. "I pray you sire, please awaken. Tis a new morn and your princely duties beckon!"_

Harry blinked and stopped caressing Luna for a moment. "Well that was different," he muttered. "I've never seen Dumbledore woken up like that before."

Luna nodded. "Usually he had that braying elephant alarm."

_The old man sat up in bed and wandlessly summoned a robe. Then he climbed out of bed and put the robe on. Slipping his feet into a pair of slippers, Luna barely noted he had replaced her "horcrux" squeaking slippers with new ones._

_Dumbledore shuffled to the door that connected his quarters to his office and he opened it. He stood there for a moment trying to figure out exactly what he was seeing._

"_Sippy!" he called._

_The popping sound announced the arrival of an elf. "Yes sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster?"_

"_Yes, I seem to be the victim of a prank. Someone has filled my office with cauldrons and I am unable to get into it. Can you please move them down to the cauldron storage room?"_

"_Oh yes sir, Sippy can," piped the little elf._

_Sippy clapped his hands once and then looked perplexed. The cauldrons hadn't moved. He lifted a hand and waved it, and still the cauldrons failed to budge._

"_Master Smiley Foreheadmaster sir? Sippy cannot move the cauldrons. Sippy thinks they are not liking elf magic oh no sir Master Smiley Foreheadmaster sir."_

_Dumbledore frowned at the elf for a moment, then he summoned his wand to his hand and waved it at a cauldron. The container glowed a soft white and he cursed under his breath. There was considerable magic on the cauldron, magic stronger than he was capable of casting, which explained why they were immune to elf magic._

"_Thank you Sippy, you may go punish yourself, try sharpening your ears ," muttered the old man._

_The elf whimpered and vanished from sight._

_He pondered the alternatives for a while, then he attempted to shrink one cauldron. When that didn't work he tried levitating it and was pleased to see that he could. Apparently the Prankster who left them in the room had forgotten to ward against a simple levitation._

_Slowly Dumbledore levitated the cauldrons, piling them up in his room. It was really the only thing he could do with them. After 30 minutes he was sweating and panting and he had only made a small corridor three feet wide by four feet long. What's worse was his own room was beginning to pile up with cauldrons. It was smaller than his office which meant he couldn't possibly fit all the cauldrons in his room._

_An hour later he cursed when his bed and dresser collapsed under the weight. He swore sulfurously at himself, he should have shrunk his bed and dresser and pocketed them. Now they were splinters and if that was bad, he'd hate to see what state his desk was in. _

Seeing Albus was going to be busy for quite a while, Harry and Luna slipped from the room while the headmaster moved yet another cauldron into the bedroom.

Two hours later a much sated pair reentered the sitting room to see Dumbledore had nearly reached the door from his office to school below. By now the old man was exhausted and cussing in a loud voice. Several calls to his Phoenix had gone unanswered, and the elves had tried to move the cauldrons by hand, but found them impossibly heavy.

_Just another row of cauldrons and he'd be at the door, which was a good thing because had already started filling in the aisle behind him._

"_When I get my hands on that bird," he muttered._

"What did you do to Fawkes?" asked Luna.

Harry smiled. "He's in a cauldron. He was asleep at the time when I moved the cauldrons in place, so I placed him into a cauldron, then put a strong silencing charm on it."

Luna sniggered in reply.

The pair cuddled on the couch and watched the exhausted headmaster slowly clear a path out of his office.

**Corridor outside of the DADA office, Hogwarts Nov 20th...**

Lucius huddled behind a suit of armor and he watched the door intently.

"Are you sure about this man Lucius?"

"Oh yes Master, Gilderoy Lockhart is a danger to your plans. He's defeated werewolves, vampires, banshees, puffskiens, plimpies. He's known for being a powerful wizard with a wonderful smile and great hair," Lucius replied in a whisper. He really wished the master would whisper when he spoke through him, but Voldemort didn't see the need.

Lucius lashed out with a fist and pounded a wall. "Curses, we can't release Slytherin's beast with him around. We must do something about him!"

"I'm waiting for him Master, he much come to this room to give his classes."

"Good good Lucius, you're learning. Very well, we'll wait, but I want us to be unrecognizable, take the helm from the suit and put it on!"

Lucius breathed a sigh of relief, he wouldn't have to cast another crucio on himself. He glanced up and reached for the heavy helm. "This helm Master?"

"Yes yes, now put it on! And cast crucio on yourself, but do it quietly!"

Lucius put the heavy helm on his head and immediately his field of view narrowed down to nearly nothing.

"Master?" he pleaded.

"Do it!" commanded Voldemort's spirit.

Lucius grit his teeth and pulled out his wand. _Why couldn't he have gone to clown school like he wanted when he was younger_ he thought.

He cast the spell and immediately started to writhe. His head hammered against the wall setting up a loud clanging sound.

"Fool!" spat Voldemort, "Quickly return to our secret lair, you've made too much noise!"

Painfully Lucius climbed to his feet and he ran down the hall and straight into a wall.

CLANG!

Struggling to stay on his feet, he turned and ran into another wall.

CLANG!

Painfully he reached the end of that corridor and turned again.

"Faster!" screamed Voldemort, spurring Lucius to greater effort.

"CLANG CLANG CLANG!"

Finally he made it back to the secret lair, which turned out to be a rarely used closet in the back of the charms classroom. Exhausted, he slumped against the wall and slid to the ground.

"I must punish you Lucius," whispered Voldemort.

"Thank you Master," replied the badly concussed wizard. "I love you too."

**DADA Classroom, Nov 21st...**

Harry filed into the class, following Hermione. He was carrying her book for her and holding her hand, but the whole boyfriend concept was still new to him.

"What do you think we'll do this time?" asked Hermione.

Harry shrugged. "If it's anything like usual, we'll reenact his defeat of Godzilla or some other nonsense."

Hermione chuckled quietly and took the seat next to Harry.

Professor Lockhart exited his office and stepped into the classroom, he paused and looked at the class in confusion. He knew he had a problem, but he couldn't remember what that problem was. In fact, he was having difficulty lately remembering anything.

"I say, what are you all doing here?" he asked.

"This is our defense class professor," replied Hermione.

"Really? Is that why you're here?"

The class nodded and stared at the man who seems a little more confused than usual today.

"Well then I suppose you should get started."

The class stared at the man. Finally after several minutes, Hermione spoke up. "Professor?"

"Yes miss?"

"Granger sir Hermione Granger, aren't you going to start the lesson?"

Lockhart blinked and looked at her incredulously. "You want me to teach?" he exclaimed in a squeaky voice.

"That is what you get paid to do," Harry replied dryly.

Lockhart frowned and walked down the aisle to Harry's desk. He picked up the book and paged through it for a moment. It wasn't one of his books. "You're reading about shield spells, is that what we were learning?"

Harry smirked. "Yes sir, I was reading ahead, you were going to start teaching us shield spells today."

Lockhart peered at him over the edge of the book. "I know you, your famous. What's your name?"

Harry stared at the man for a moment and several of the class laughed softly. "Harry Potter sir."

"Do you know these shield spells?"

"Yes sir, I think I do," replied Harry.

"Good very good Mr. Pepper, come up to the front of the class and show us what you know," Lockhart said happily. He was still confused about why he was teaching a class on defense, but at least someone knew the material.

Harry glanced at Hermione who shrugged at him, then he turned and went to the front of the class to teach them about shield spells.

This turned out to be one of the best DADA classes given at Hogwarts in the last twenty years and would set the stage for the course for the remainder of the year.

**St. Mungos Potion Addiction Treatment Center, Dec 7th ...**

Severus Snape was a changed man. The last two months had seen to that.

The door opened and he flinched, then ran to the wall placing his hands against the wall and lowering his head.

"Mistress command me!" he said softly.

"Will you drink a potion you don't need?" asked Mistress Natasha. As she spoke she calmly laid out her tools on a small table. The included several skinning knives, a car battery with jumper cables and an amazing assortment of butt plugs ranging in size from petite to 'my god that would kill King Kong!'

Interestingly each plug had a metal rod that seemed tailor made for connecting to that battery.

"Never Mistress, I will never drink anything you don't approve of!" he moaned piteously.

"Better my pet," she purred, stepping forward and caressing his buttocks. "Are you my willing pet? My little slave?"

Severus moaned again. "Command your pet Mistress."

A line of fire laid down along one buttock and he bit his lip to keep from crying out. Mistress Natasha laid into him with a small whip for 20 more minutes before getting bored. Then she turned and eyed her table of toys.

_Voldemort could take lessons from this one,_ Snape thought groggily. He spied the table and the vast array of electrified butt plugs and tried not to whimper. _I'm going to kill Albus for his 'special treatment' request._

**Wain Manor...**

Luna turned away from the mirror and grinned at Harry. "I told you she was an expert."

Harry looked away from the scene on the mirror and shivered in revulsion. He hated Snape with a passion, but this was beyond the pale!

"I didn't doubt you love, I just doubted she's an expert in Potion Addiction," he countered.

"I never said she was," Luna retorted. "She's an expert in her field, but it's not potion addiction."

"But why would she be working for St. Mungos then?"

Luna smiled serenely. "Harry love, as you have pointed out countless times, the wizarding world is still in the 19th century. Addiction was barely understood let alone treatable among the muggles back then and even now by the wizards. The Potion Addiction Treatment Center is a new addition to St. Mungos funded by the Marauder Charity Trust."

Harry blinked and shook his head in amazement. MCT was something he created in every universe they visited. It's purpose was to help wizard and muggle born children that may find themselves in abusive situations and to work towards a more progressive wizarding world.

"So," he began slowly, "Mistress Natasha works for me then?"

"In a round about way, yes."

He shook his head and shuddered back from the mental image of her employment interview. Finally he gave up and shrugged, Luna actually ran MCT via proxy for him. It had been that way ever since she discovered he was using it as a front to hire mercenaries for high level pure blood assassinations world wide.

Now days she confined it's activities to purely domestic issues, and the occasional smuggling scheme involving rescuing and relocation rare magical and normal animals.

Harry nodded and waved a hand to change views on the mirror, he wanted to check in on Harry and Hermione.

"Wait! Stop!" called Luna.

The mirror paused, it had been cycling through images of all the people and places it was keyed into.

"Yes?" asked Harry.

"Back it up."

He did as she commanded until they got to a view of Dumbledore laying in an bed.

"There! Stop!"

He sighed and stopped the scene.

"That's the infirmary!" She exclaimed, "What happened to him?"

"Cauldrons," Harry admitted, "I was having so much fun with them I got a little carried away."

She narrowed her eyes and looked closer at the image. She couldn't ignore the large supply of potion bottles next to the bed, nor the runic monitors that were constantly updating his condition.

"Explain," she said tensely. It was too early for Dumbledore to die!

"He's suffering from severe Magical Exhaustion," Harry replied. "After he managed to escape his office he moved into guest quarters, so I moved the cauldrons outside of those quarters. I also arranged for the snail to get him a few times.

He paused and took a deep breath. "Three different days and three different guest quarters later, he collapsed. He's been in the infirmary since. He's recovering, but at his age his magical core refills very slowly, so he's been sleeping a lot. Madam Pomfrey expects him to be up and about in a couple days. She'll probably release him before the Holiday leaving feast."

Luna turned and glared at Harry. "No more cauldron pranks! You nearly killed him and we still need him."

He hung his head in shame, he knew he had blown it and he hated when Luna was angry at him. She was so rarely angry, but this was one of those times.

"No more cauldrons," he repeated in a whisper.

Satisfied she decided to lighten the mood. "So he got slimed again?"

Harry looked up with a small grin, "Twice actually, but he was unconscious for the second sliming. Madam Pomfrey wasn't very happy being slimed either. She was levitating him to the infirmary at the time when the staircases moved. She came to the landing just in time for the snail to exit the corridor."

He leaned back and looked thoughtful. "You know, she took it a lot better than I expected. Oh she wasn't happy to be slimed, but she seemed to be resigned to the situation."

"Poppy always was a bit of a fatalist. I often remember her remarking what will be, will be," Luna added.

He nodded, recalling their Poppy saying exactly that. The woman had had enough experience with human misery that she believed it was merely inevitable for everyone.

His expression changed and he looked at Luna, "Just what did you do to the diary anyway? Lucius is acting almost as bad as Quirrel from last year. Is he fully possessed?"

"Co-possessor perhaps, or co-tenant would be a better description. The soul fragment that was in the book downloaded itself into Lucius but it lacked the ability to kick Lucius out of his own body. Unlike Quirrell this spirit had enough strength to partially take control. So Lucius isn't being a host as much as being co-owner of the same body with Voldemort."

"And his actions? I mean Betsy was understandable, but this should have been a soul from a 17 year old Voldemort," Harry asked.

Luna smiled serenely. "I used my rubber band technique on him."

Harry winced. Luna had once demonstrated the technique on Ron Weasley to explain it to Harry since her magic didn't work on Harry. Basically she grabbed the Id of the mind and pulled it as far away from the mind as she could before releasing it. The Id snapped back into the mind like a rubber band, but in the process many basic thought processes fractured and broke. In a normal mind, multiple hits with this technique would quickly drive the person insane.

Harry remembered that particular Ron who was eventually arrested for molesting Neville Longbottom. Neville's gran was so angry over that attack that she took Ginny as a bondage servant to pay off their debt.

Harry always felt a little bad about that, he didn't have anything against Ginny, she was just a girl that grew out of her crush to become a friend. Red heads didn't do anything for him despite the comments about Potter men and red heads. The simple fact was if asked, he'd reply that Blonds and Brunettes attracted him more than red heads. They might appeal to his father, but they did nothing for him.

"So he's basically nuts, and Lucius wasn't quite all there to begin with," he murmured.

"Precisely," Luna replied. "And since Voldemort is the dominant spirit but lacks full motor control they have to cooperate to get anything done."

"That explains why he's wearing a helmet from a suite and a tapestry as a toga I guess, but why has he been concentrating on attacking Lockhart?"

"Harry," Luna chided, "You know Lockhart's books portrayed him as an unstoppable defeater of dark creatures. Voldemort just wants him out of the way so he can release his beast on the school."

Harry flinched at the thought of the 'beast'.

Guys, Luna thought with a bit of smirk, _they really are so easy to make queasy. Threaten their penis and the curl up and whimper._

**Wain Manor, Dec 15th ...**

Harry looked down at his cup and he scowled. Luna was playing again and this time she had gone too far!

Two hours later she pulled herself up short and stared, Harry was knee deep in books and scribbling furiously on a pad.

"What's got your boxers in a bunch?" she asked.

"You stopped time!" he snapped, then he slammed a book shut. "What did I tell you about that?"

Luna blushed, it was unusual for her to forget something so important, but she had forgotten this time. "To limit the field?" she asked meekly.

He leaned back and wiped at his face tiredly. "Luna, you stopped the whole planet. Fortunately you did include the moon, I don't want to think what would have happened if you hadn't. Now I've got to nudge things back in place before the muggles notice the year is suddenly short by an hour!"

She nodded unhappily. Her Harry was cross with her and he had a reason to be. He had explained to her about the obsessive muggles that did little except measure stuff. She had learned the process of time stoppage back in their own universe, but there, limiting the field was not needed since an average wizard could only affect a very small space.

"Did you accomplish what you wanted?"

Luna nodded. "Yes Albus hasn't been having a good year, so when I suggested allowing Harry to find alternative arrangements for his summer he didn't put up much of a fight."

She waved towards the mirror on the wall and it filled with wavy lines. He shot her a sour glare, wavy lines was his signature effect and she stole it!

_Albus lay in an infirmary bed unhappily thumbing through a copy of Teen Witch Weekly. Madam Pomfrey didn't keep many things on hand to read, but one of her former patients had left this behind._

_Poppy was pouring some potion into a cup when she froze in place. Even the liquid from the bottle froze motionless._

_Dumbledore looked up, the total silence signaling something truly extraordinary was happening._

_A bright light filled the windows of the doors to the infirmary and Albus had to raise a hand to shield himself from the glare. With his free hand he grabbed his wand and gripped it possessively._

_The doors opened and Luna floated into the room. In one hand she held her flaming sword, in the other, the dripping head of a man that had obviously died in considerable pain. The fact that the head was the only thing that wasn't glowing brightly made it especially obvious._

"_Albus, I can't tell you how disappointed I am with you. Do you know what I do to people that disappoint me?"_

_He couldn't tear his eyes away from the dripping head, then suddenly the eyes popped open and turned to him. "Don't piss her off," moaned the head, then the eyes closed again._

_Luna giggled. "Oh do be quiet Fritz, you had your chance."_

_Luna tossed the head into the air and as it started to drop, a gaping chasm filled with fire and smoke appeared underneath it. Faint screaming could be heard coming from the hole and it made Dumbledore shiver in fear._

_He inched backwards on his bed, nearly gibbering in terror, trying to put some distance between him and that smoking hole._

"_You haven't earned the same punishment as Fritz... yet. But you're coming close! Look at you! Letting a Snail endanger Harry, and hiring that idiot Lockhart when you knew he was a fraud."_

_She paused and looked at him sternly. "Also I have seen you researching Horcruxes, trying to find a way to transfer it back into Harry."_

_Actually Dumbledore wasn't really researching that, but Luna didn't care, it just sounded ominous and worthy of beheading._

"_What? No! I haven't! I wouldn't!"_

"_Tsk tsk Albus, you can't lie to me. Don't you remember who gives me orders?" she said, then pointed one finger skywards._

_He cringed and shook his head vehemently. This can't be happening, he thought. This never happens to other Lords of Light! Why do they get the easy jobs?_

"_Remove Lockhart!" Luna intoned. As she did, she lifted higher and her wings spread out full. "Remove Lockhart, and defend my chosen from Slytherin's Snail! From here on I will take care of Harry's living arrangements for the summer."_

_He nodded rapidly, willing to agree to anything at this point. Luna smirked and started to turn away, then she looked back. "Oh and trim that beard. It's really quite disgusting."_

_With that she turned and floated from the room. Behind her the smoking hole started to slowly fill in._

Harry sat for a moment as the mirror returned to its normal view. "I see you've greatly improved your illusion spells," he commented. "But who was Fritz?"

She shrugged, "A friend of my father's I think. He didn't come around much after I started school, but he always felt wrong to me."

He nodded and refrained from commenting, but over the years he had met many friends of the Lovegood family that felt more than wrong to him. The Addams family had more normal friends and family than Luna's family did.

"And the horcruxes? Why did you give him the idea to transfer it back into Harry?"

"You know as well as I do that he'll never figure out that a simple switching spell will move the thing. Besides, he's been told that God himself is watching his actions and not happy with him. Do you honestly think he'll try anything," Luna replied calmly. "Consider it an experiment if you will. Will he think he's capable of defying divine will?"

Harry leaned back on his chair and thought about it. "It sounds right, but I think you're mistaken, I think the old man is willing to do anything and defy anything for his 'greater good'."

"Perhaps, but then if he does, we'll smack him down so hard he'll wish he hadn't," Luna said with a smile. Harry was still upset with her and he had to fix her mistake, but most of his anger had bled away.

**Hogwarts Great Hall, Dec 21st...**

Harry sat down next to Hermione; Luna sat across from them. She had been studying extra hard. It was her intent to take two sets of exams at the end of the school year so that she could advance into third year with Harry and Hermione.

This was the Yule feast, tomorrow they would all return to London on the express for the holidays. For Harry, this was a special time, he would be spending the Holiday with Hermione. The trio had managed to get the both families to agree to a joint dinner on Boxing Day, then Harry and Hermione would stay at Luna's for a few days, before returning to London with Luna. The three would spend their remaining time with Grangers until it was time to return to school.

It was hard to tell who was more excited. Luna was thrilled to be hosting company on Boxing Day and Harry was excited about spending the holiday with both girls instead of staying at school.

Hermione nudged Harry and he looked up from his book. "The Headmaster is going to say something."

"He still doesn't look well," he observed.

"He did spend a week in the Infirmary," added Luna.

Dumbledore stood and smiled at the students. The smiley face scar on his forehead winked at a few students, then stuck out its tongue.

"I know you're all anxious to get home for the holidays. It's been a difficult session so far, and there will be some staff changes when you return. For myself I hope to use the time to deal with Slytherin's beast once and for..."

The doors to the hall smashed open with a loud crash and a strangely garbed figure strutted into the hall. He wore a toga made from a tapestry and a helmet, in his hand he held a lance that had been taken from another suit of armor.

Everyone turned to look at the strange figure.

"Behold! I bringith great news! Slytherin has returned and I, Lord Mucus Malfoy am the vessel upon which he will bring forth his blessing forewith. I am the almighty and powerful Lord Slytherin and I hereby declare this school to be cleansed of the unholy spawns of satin."

"What is with the feasts in this place?" asked Harry a little too loudly. "Last year it was lethal teddies, this year it's a nut case."

"What's wrong satin, some of my best bras are made of it," commented Luna. She was rather proud that she appeared to be sprouting early.

Harry blushed beet red. Bras were something they hadn't gotten around to discussing with him.

"Silence! Be silent or you will feel the wrath of the almighty lord Slytherin! I shall set my beast upon you and it will tear at your flesh!"

Hermione hushed Harry and he flinched back slightly, more afraid of her than the loony in the helmet.

"I don't care who you think you are Mucus, er Lucius, but it's obvious to me that you need help!" Dumbledore said, pushing back on his chair and standing up.

Lucius snarled and whipped out his wand, he pointed it directly at his own neck. "Nobody moves or I'll cast crucio on my hostage!" he shouted.

823 eyeballs blinked as one. No one suspected Lord Malfoy would arrive here with a hostage!

"Cry havoc and let slip my beast Lucius!" shouted Voldemort.

Dropping his wand and his lance, he quickly undid his toga which he let slip to the floor. "Behold! Behold the Beast of Slytherin!"

With both hands he unwrapped the strange rope like appendage which had been wrapped around his waist. Enlarged to nearly four feet long and pierced with hundreds of fish hooks, Malfoy's penis waved and writhed as if it had a life of it's own.

Slytherin's beast looked like some form of bizarre caterpillar.

"Behold and fear me!" Lucius shouted, then he scooped up his wand from the floor.

Dumbledore started to walk around the table when Malfoy lifted the wand again to his neck. "Don't you take one more step or I'll kill my hostage!"

Pansy Parkinson, one of the brighter Slytherins stood and shouted at the Headmaster. "Don't endanger the hostage! He's serious!"

That she was one of the brighter students spoke volumes for the future of Slytherin house.

At this point in time, a watching mega magician decided that this leaving feast should definitely make into Hogwarts a history by teleporting the Snail to the Great Hall.

There was a moment of shocked silence, then Lucius screeched at the top of his lungs and lunged away from the loathsome Snail. He scrambled up onto a table, pushing food and students out of the way, dragging his own beast behind him.

Dumbledore grimaced and knew this was his moment, the moment to make all the school know just what a powerful wizard he was.

Whipping out his wand, he shouted. "Sparkusuanus!"

A bright bolt of lightening sprang from his wand and headed directly for the snail. It got within ten feet and suddenly veered off, hitting the Slytherin Lightening Rod. Malfoy fluoresced for a split second and you could see his bones, including the one he broke as a child which never healed properly, then he collapsed to the table top in a smoking heap. Slytherins beast had been cauterized down to a 2 inch stub with some molten metal hanging off it.

Dumbledore stared at his wand as if he couldn't believe what had just happened. Fortunately this was just what the Snail needed to make it's escape, sliming Gilderoy Lockhart as it slowly left the Great Hall.

"Murderer!" shouted someone from Slytherin.

"Hey! You killed that crazy person!" shouted another from Gryffindor.

"What? Wait! No! I!" Dumbledore sputtered. He looked around wildly and saw nothing but accusation on the faces glaring at him. Huffing he strode from the Hall, refusing to meet anyone's gaze.

Hermione turned to Harry, her expression was pale and she looked decidedly ill. "Please tell me you don't have something like that!"

Harry blushed. "No," he replied quietly. "But the bit with it waving like that was kinda cool."

"Harry," Luna chided, "Do try to be more normal, you'll only frighten your girlfriends with one of those."

Hermione and Harry turned to stare at Luna. She was asking for normal?

**Wain Manor...**

Harry waved the mirror off and turned to Luna. "Sparkusuanus?" he asked drolly.

"Well I did task him with protecting Harry from the Snail, then I arranged for him to stumble over a rare book which was written by an ancestor of mine.

"Apparently your ancestor was as bad with Latin as you are," he replied.

She blushed and looked down, trying to forget the time he caught her using a spell of her own design to relieve her menstrual cramps. Harry laughed for a month over "Crampusnotus".

Harry stretched in his chair and reached for a cup of coffee that appeared on the table in front of him.

"So Lucius is gone from the picture, but what about the Snail?" she asked.

Harry frowned for a moment, then he snapped his fingers. Luna choked slightly as she felt a massive pulse of magic leave him. She arched one eyebrow at him and waited for an explanation.

Taking a drink he leaned back in his chair and smiled. "I sent the snail back to the chamber and put it to sleep."

"Is that all you did?"

He grinned, "No, next time someone opens the chamber the Snail will turn into a giant bunny. In fact Slytherin's beast will change with each successive opening. Bunny, Snail, Chicken, Pig, Lemur, Turtle and Platypus."

Luna snickered quietly and Harry basked in her open admiration. Finally she got her mirth under control. "So the years events are all over yes?"

"Not quite, there's one loose end to tie up."

"Oh?"

Harry's grin turned positively feral. "Snape," he said grimly. "Snape is coming to Hogwarts."

**The Entrance Hall, Hogwarts, Jan 5th...**

Severus Snape was a changed man. The past months with Mistress Natasha had altered in him ways no one on the staff could have imagined. The youngest Potions master in centuries now hated Potions with a passion.

Mistress Natasha had been a determined and demanding mistress, and she was an expert in her craft of creating Pavlovian responses.

Harry, Luna and Hermione were just coming into the Entrance Hall from the Express when Snape entered also. He had been on the express, in a locked compartment.

"Severus!"

Heads turned to see Madam Pomfrey striding up to the potions master. "I am so glad to see you again! You wouldn't believe how much we've missed your talents around here." She said, then she thrust a small bottle at him filled with a purple liquid that seemed to have the viscosity of molasses. "Look at this! A pain relief potion that's more like a syrup! I can't believe what they are selling these days! Would you drink this potion?"

Enter Doctor Pavlov and his prancing puppies.

Snape blinked and the color fled from his face. He turned and rush to the nearest wall. Placing both hands against the wall, he stuck his arse out. "I will not take a potion mistress! Beat me! Let me prove myself to you!"

Pomfrey stared at him with a flushed look on her face while the students stopped dead in their tracks.

Dumbledore had watched the scene from the top of the steps, with a heavy sigh he turned away and wondered if the other Lords of Light had as many problems as he seemed to have.

**Intermission...**

Your screen fills with wavy lines and your computer suddenly starts to play the theme song from Twilight Zone. You think to yourself, _Alyx is scary, I'm glad Bob is stuck with her and not me! Maybe I should send Bob a note of encouragement for putting up with her craziness._

**Wain Manor...**

Harry danced in front of the blank wall. "Do do do do do do" he sang.

"Faster, harder," encouraged Luna, "Make the duck slippers quack more!"

Harry blinked and stopped dancing, then he turned to Luna. "What is with it with these slippers anyway?"

Luna shrugged, "I figured if you could speed up time for our readers, I could send them an uncontrollable urge to do something nice for a duck. You wouldn't believe how mean people are to ducks! It's a terrible shame really!"

Her eyes grew wide and she looked at him with an appalled expression. "Did you know some people even eat Ducks?" she said in a whisper. "And I won't tell you what they do with Rubber Ducks, but its disgusting!"

He sat and stared at her for a moment, then he shook his head. He didn't want to explain to her that she had just influenced an infinite subset of an infinite number of people to do something nice for a duck. Heck he didn't want to think about himself, but he knew sooner or later he'd have to explain to the Boss how International Duck Day exploded across the multiverse without warning.

_Maybe I'll ask her to write that report, _he thought. The last time she had write a report to the Boss, the boss stopped talking to them for nearly 1000 universes. It was, in his opinion, one of the best times they had.

"Anyway, have you moved time forward enough?" she asked.

He cast a quick date charm and smiled at the results. "Yep, time to get Sirius out of jail. He's got to set up a home in time before Harry arrives in London on the express."

Luna smirked and nodded, then she stood. "Let me get my cloak and we'll be off."

"Cloak?"

She smiled at him. "I did tell you I wanted to be there when you told him about Helga."

"Oh," He replied, looking crestfallen. He had hoped she would have forgotten about that.


	3. Chapter 3

**Standard Disclaimer:**

Bob slowly approached Alyx who was hunched over a keyboard and monitor, her fingers flying like crazy on the keyboard.

"He pushed her up against the wall and ripped her blouse open, then Snape pushed his handsome hair back and what the hell is this?" Bob asked.

Alyx screamed and dove under the desk.

Seeing the free seat Bob sat down and started typing. "Snape pushed his handsome hair back and Hermione pulled out a short barrel shotgun and shoved them against his testicles. Back off grease ball she snarled."

"Bob!" exclaimed Alyx. "Leave my story alone!"

"Awww, but I'm getting to the good part," Bob replied.

Alyx gritted her teeth and she shoved as hard as she could against the computer chair Bob sat in. With a startled squawk he flew backwards into the Orchestra Pit with a loud crash.

Alyx then climbed out from under her desk and turned to her story, trying to fix it. Bob popped up from the pit and threw a lasso around her, pulling her into the pit with him.

Sounds of fighting and much screaming came from the pit and the band fled for safer ground.

Harry looked at Luna. "I don't think they planned this."

She nodded. "It's stalling our story too."

"I'll fix it," He replied, then he stood and faced the audience. "Bob and Alyx are busy, and they don't own Harry Potter, but are too busy to tell you that. So I'm going to start the story for Bob."

He turned to Luna, "How was that?" he asked.

She looked up at him, "I love it when you take charge, you can be a real sexy beast sometimes."

He preened and flexed his muscles. "I know."

* * *

**Azkaban Prison...**

Luna and Harry appeared in a very changed prison cell. It was enormous! Sirius lounged in a very comfortable chair, next to him in another chair sat Helga who busied herself with some knitting.

"I didn't think Azkaban was this nice," commented Luna, then she turned to Harry. "Could we come here for one of our vacations?"

Harry blinked in shock and then noticed Luna smirking at him. _She did that on purpose!_ He thought, _she just loves to get a rise out of me._

Luna winked at Harry. "Yes I do," she said softly, then she turned to Sirius.

"Sirius Orion Black, I'm pleased to meet you again," Luna said. "Tell me have you seen many claw footed munktoes around here? I think they would love this place."

Sirius put down his book and smiled at Luna. "I have only seen a few of them, I suspect the Dementors frighten them away," he replied, then he turned to Harry. "You know, I should be angry at you."

Harry smirked at him. "Oh? Why is that?"

Sirius stood and moved to stand behind Helga's chair. "You left me here with a beautiful woman that could cast considerable magic without a wand and she was extremely interested in pleasing me."

Harry grinned and pulled Luna close to his side, then wrapped an arm around her. "So? I have the same thing. I'm enjoying it."

Luna shot Harry a smug smile for that comment.

"Yes but your Luna started out as a normal girl that you had God interfere with. Me? I get a house elf that's been transfigured."

Harry blanched. "Oh. She told you about that?"

Sirius nodded. "I was initially upset, but Helga explained how the change was permanent, and the longer she was exposed to humans in this form the more human she would become. She also pointed out that she was physically identical to a normal woman, except that normal women can't use elf magic."

Luna looked a little put out that Sirius didn't seem like he was going to punch Harry. She shrugged. "So give her a wand and let her fake that she's using human magic if that's the only problem. Harry saved her from a certain death and gave her a choice, she could have gone on as an elf or he could change her to a human and let her care for you."

Helga reached up from her chair and pulled one of Sirius' hands down to rub against her cheek. "Master Sirius, please don't be angry, Lord Harry saved me twice, first by saving my life and then by giving me a chance at a new kind of life."

Harry smiled when he saw Sirius' expression soften. "I know sweetheart," he murmured.

"Sirius," Harry said, "Look at it this way, it's the ultimate prank on your family. The Lord of the Black family in love with a former elf. Your children would have your ancestors frothing in anger."

"Helga, you still call Sirius master?" asked Luna.

Helga glanced up at Sirius. "I try not to Mistress, it's a hard habit for me to break. But M... Sirius is so much more than master anymore."

Sirius smiled down at her and then turned to look at Harry. "Still, I should deck you one for what you did. But I'll let it slide this time."

"Oh poo," Luna murmured, "Couldn't you hit him at least once?"

"Luna!" exclaimed Harry.

"Oh all right, I swear, you Sirius' are just no fun. In all of the thousands we've dealt with only one of you actually hit Harry. Just one!"

"Can we just get on with this?" Harry asked in a pained voice.

"Yes Harry, now that you're done wasting time we can move on," Luna said airily.

He shook his head and sat on a couch facing Sirius and Helga. Helga glanced up at Sirius for a moment, then she snapped her fingers causing her chair to expand until it was wide enough for two people. Sirius grinned at her and moved to sit next to her.

"Here's the plan Paddy. You and Helga are coming with us today. In a weeks time Sirius Black will be found by one of the Aurors on patrol, dead in his cell. You will be, to the wizarding world, dead. I'm going to do some very minor alterations on you, making your hair a little lighter, taller, but you will still be recognizable as a Black.

"First thing you're going to do is submit a new will as Sirius Black. I'll arrange for it to be dated properly. The goblins will accept it, I'll make sure of that. In that will you will leave all your possessions to one Betelgeuse Hershel Black, a close cousin who left England many years ago and has recently returned. You will also ask Bugger to assume Godfather duties for you."

Sirius blinked and looked at Harry. "Wait! What? Who's Bugger?"

Harry smirked. "Well you are. Beetle Juice, so your nickname is Bugger. It's fitting."

Helga smiled broadly. "Oh Bugger!" she said with a throaty moan.

Sirius placed his head in his hands while everyone snickered around him.

"Oh bugger me," Sirius moaned. James had never been this cruel and funny with a prank.

Harry cleared his throat and Sirius looked at him warily. "As Lord Bugger, I'll give you access to some special accounts, I don't want you draining your accounts, you'll need it for yourself and your family. One of the things I want you to do is sue everyone. I mean everyone. Sirius Black will be dead and you'll be enacting as much legal havoc as you possibly can in his name. Threaten blood feuds, line thefts, call in old debts, demand the Goblins take hostages, whatever, just tie the ministry up in their own courts, then sue them in the muggle world too."

Sirius' expression lit up as he contemplated the amount of havoc he could wreak. This was going to be fun!

**Kings Cross Station, June 15th...**

Bugger and Helga stood off to one side of the platform waiting as the train slowed and came to a stop.

"Relax Bugger," Helga said warmly. "He's going to love you."

Harry Nargle had been true to his word, he no longer looked like Sirius Black, but there was enough of a resemblance to confirm he was truly a Black. His hair was longer and his sideburns were tinged with a stately amount of gray. He also wore a goatee which was also peppered with gray. And unlike his old form his eyes were a slate gray instead of the cool blue he used to have.

To make the disguise complete, Harry had downloaded into his head several languages as well as an indepth knowledge about a number of other nations. He now could speak six languages and if asked, could describe the sights and events surrounding a number of countries as if he were a native of those countries.

Despite Sirius' urgings, Harry refused to allow him to create a back story that would make him out to be a secret agent. Harry felt if he couldn't be James Bond, no one else could play that game.

Bugger spotted little Harry standing next to Hermione. She was talking to Harry and her parents. Taking a deep breath he and Helga walked up to the group.

"Excuse me, but are you Harry Potter?" he asked.

Harry looked at the strange man warily. "Yes?"

"My name is Betelgeuse Hershel Black. I am a cousin of Sirius Black, your Godfather. I would like to give you this," he said, holding out a scroll.

Daniel Granger stepped forward and gripped Harry's shoulder tightly. "Do you mind?"

Harry looked up at him and shook his head. Bugger shrugged and offered the scroll to Dan Granger. He unrolled the document and read it, then reread it to make sure it was saying what he thought it was saying.

Dan had taken the opportunity to really talk with Harry over the holiday and he was coming to care for the lad. This stranger represented an uneasy element and he wanted to protect the boy if he could.

"Harry," Dan said gently. "Sirius Black was your Godfather. According to this he recently died in prison and he asked his cousin to assume that role for him. Mr. Black here is now your magical guardian."

Harry's eyes grew huge and he looked between Dan and Bugger. "What does that mean?"

Bugger crouched down so that he was eye level with Harry. "It means that you no longer have to go back to those Dursleys. I know you don't know me, but I would like to give that opportunity. My wife and I have room for you in our home and our hearts. But if you want to go elsewhere, at least until you get to know us, we'll understand."

Hermione's eyes filled with tears for her friend. "Oh Harry, you've dreamed of this."

He hadn't told her all about life with the Dursleys but enough had slipped past his walls for her to understand it wasn't a good place.

"If you don't mind me asking," Dan Granger said, "Why now?"

Bugger nodded and tried to smile reassuringly at the man. "Harry's godfather was placed in prison without a trial. Because of that oversight on the part of the government they were unable to confiscate his wealth or even put aside his will. Now that he's gone his will was read and he asked me to fill in the role he wanted very much to fill but couldn't. Honestly I couldn't do anything about it until a few days ago. Harry's parents were good friends of mine, but only one of us could be his Godfather. Legally his Godfather was supposed to be his Guardian. When he died in prison, he asked that I pick up the role since I was also a friend of his parents."

Bugger turned back to Harry. "Harry, I won't be upset if you don't want to come with us, but we have to make some arrangements for you, unless you want to go back to the Dursleys?"

Harry's eyes widened and his frame shook with a heavy shudder. The Dursleys might have mellowed but he still remembered when beatings were the order of the day.

"Would I be able to visit my friends over the holiday?" asked Harry.

Bugger nodded. "You can visit with them, or ask them to come visit with you. We have a large home with plenty of space."

"We'd be happy to come visit you," said Hermione's mum.

Hermione nodded fervently at him.

Helga stepped closer to Harry. "We'd really like you to stay with us Harry," she said softly.

For little Harry this was an unusual situation and it left him feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Something about the Mr. & Mrs. Black made him want to trust them. "You really knew my parents?" he asked, feeling suddenly shy.

Bugger smiled broadly. "They were good friends of mine," he said softly.

Harry nodded. "I'll give it a try, it can't be worse than my relatives."

"It'll be so much better," Helga said quietly, "You'll see."

Bugger smiled broadly, then he reached for his wallet and pulled out a small business card which he handed to Dan. "I realize that a train station is a bad place to introduce yourself to one's ward, but I didn't want him going back to his relatives. My card has our home phone and my office number. If you don't mind, I'd like to allow Harry to call Hermione at least once a day. She's welcome to come visit, or if Harry wants he can visit with her."

Dan looked glanced down at the card for a moment, then nodded. He admitted he was close to offering Harry a place to stay because he didn't feel comfortable with this guy coming out of nowhere and offering Harry a home. Phone calls and visits would go a long way to easing his concerns for his daughter's friend.

Harry gave Hermione a hug and then turned to Bugger and Helga. "I'm ready."

Dan watched Harry leave with his new guardians and he glanced down at the card in his hand and wondered what a Professional Litigator was.

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts...**

"Where do you think you're going?"

Albus spun on his heel and whipped out his wand, then he blanched. The angel was back and she looked pissed!

"Ummm no where, really!" he stammered.

Luna moved a little closer and his desk whimpered, then fell into two pieces again. "Now Albus, you wouldn't be thinking about trying to return Harry Potter to his relatives would you?"

"He must!"

Luna looked at her nails for a moment then picked at one. "You know, you are starting to irritate me Albus. If I decide so, the Dursleys will be unable to accept Harry into their home because dead people don't have homes."

"You wouldn't!" gasped Dumbledore, he needed them alive so Potter could spend his time there.

"Don't tell me you've forgotten Fritz already Albus?"

A hole appeared in the floor and Fritz's head floated up on a pillar of fire. The eyes opened and he stared at Albus. "You pissed her off! Fool! Now you've done it! Eternal fire and damnation shall be your reward!"

At that moment the door to office opened and Severus Snape walked in. He took two steps and promptly fell into the hole in the floor. By sheer luck he clung to the edge screaming for help.

Luna looked at the dour potions master with an amused expression on her face.

Fritz lowered to eye level with Snape. "YOUR IN MY HOLE!" the head screamed at him.

Snape screamed in terror and let go. He dropped from sight, his voice dwindling as if he were falling a great distance.

"Oh poo," murmured Luna, then she turned a steely eye on Dumbledore. "This is you fault you know. If only you had done as you were told but no, you have to interfere with Harry Potter again! Now I have to go down to Hades and bring that greasy haired bastard back. I HATE HADES!" she screamed.

Dumbledore's desk physically flinched and the two large halves trembled and became quarters.

Dumbledore looked around wildly for some avenue of escape. Even the portraits were against him! Several were openly mocking him and Phineas Nigellus was mooning him!

Dumbledore backed into a corner and plucked up his courage.

"Sparkusuanus!" he shouted.

A thick bolt of electricity jumped from his wand towards Luna, then it strangely bent in midflight to hit the shelf with all his little spinning whirly things. They exploded in a shower of hot metal fragments and Dumbledore groaned in dismay. Unfortunately his electrical spell wasn't done, the electricity continued, conducting along the wall to a suit of armor. The suit screamed and the halberd it held slipped, falling to the floor, narrowly missing Fawkes and cleaving his perch in two.

The suit pulled away from the wall sideways, hitting a shelf containing dozens of snow globes that Dumbledore had spent years collecting. The shelf pivoted on it's axis hurling the globes into the air, and one by one they crashed into the stone floor with a loud pop.

Dumbledore slid down the wall and stared at the wreckage that had been his office. Fawkes stared at Dumbledore for a moment, then he started hooting and honking loudly.

Luna blinked. She tried crossing her eyes and blinking again, but there was no escaping the scene of total destruction. Harry would be so pleased!

Giving Albus the book of her ancestor's spells had worked wonders. She also couldn't help but marvel over the fact that he managed to get any response from that spell. As far as she was aware, none of those spells ever worked for anyone before.

_Not that they are really working for him either,_ she thought maliciously. She hating thinking maliciously, but she found she simply couldn't change that. She just figured that some time in her family's distant past one of her ancestors mated with a Malicious and lived. She did try hard not to let it happen too often and hoped she wouldn't pass malicious onto her children.

"Now don't make me come back here again this summer! Leave Harry alone or you won't like what I make you do!" Luna said waspishly, "And clean up this mess! Your a wizard, not a pig! Don't make me change that!"

Down in the Potions class room a gibbering Potions Master fell through the ceiling onto the floor, unsurprisingly breaking his hand. Unfortunately he could no longer risk taking Skele-Grow. Madam Pomfrey would have to heal it the muggle way.

Knowing Poppy, it was quite possible that she would not let him have any potions.

Snape crawled into a corner and wept.

**Wain Manor...**

Luna walked into the room to discover Harry watching the mirror with a very wistful expression on his face.

"What are you watching?"

"I thought I'd check in on Harry," he said softly.

"And?"

"He's fine," Harry replied, then he turned away from the mirror and walked from the room.

Luna stared at his retreating back, then turned to the mirror.

Bugger and Harry were standing in front of a table messing with some kind of machine. "Pass me the oil Harry," he said.

Harry handed him a can of oil and Bugger applied it to the machine in front of them. "There, now all we have to do is drop this in place and bolt it down."

He levitated the machine towards it's destination and suddenly Luna realized what was wrong with her Harry. Bugger decided that every boy should enjoy model trains, so he went out and obtained a scaled down model steam engine that was a perfect duplicate of the Hogwarts Express.

She sighed and shook her head, she didn't know why he tortured himself like that. Her Harry wanted the Harry of this universe to be happy and when he saw he was, he got depressed about it.

She glanced up to the mirror and noted that Luna and Hermione were both waiting patiently for the train to start. Mr. Granger stood off to one side watching and offering advice as needed. And little Harry practically glowed with happiness.

With a wave she turned off the mirror and went to go find her Harry. She knew where he'd be, it was always the same. He'd be in the library writing notes to himself in a little notebook. It contained a list of toys and things he had seen Sirius do across the universes and he promised himself he do those things with their kids.

These episodes didn't last long, but Luna hated when they happened. Only she understood. Only she knew who her Harry really was. He was the most powerful human on the planet with abilities that exceeded even some deities, but for all that power, he was still very human.

She stood and left the room, her mission, to find her man and cheer him up even if it meant another jello bath with animal cracker wars.

**Ministry of Magic, Legal Department...**

Bugger entered the room and noted with distaste that the room hadn't been used in a very long time.

He stepped up to the counter and tapped the bell.

Nothing happened.

He tapped the bell again.

He glanced at the man standing next to him and shrugged an apology. The man was a squib son of a prominent family and he jumped at the opportunity Bugger had offered for him to earn a little extra quid.

Bugger pulled out his wand and sent a spell at the small bell. It made a loud ringing noise, then tore free from the counter top and embedded itself in the wall.

A door in the back of the office opened slowly and a head peeked out.

"Yes? Why are you bothering me?"

"You are the official Ministry Legal Clerk?" asked Bugger.

The portly man waddled into the office. "Yes yes I'm the chief legal clerk for the Ministry, not that I see much business since they made it illegal to sue the ministry."

Bugger grinned. "You are only partially correct," he said smoothly, then he waved to the uniformed Bobby standing next to him.

The policeman placed a heavy aluminum case on the counter and opened it, then he pulled out a quill and a bottle of ink.

"What do you mean?"

Bugger grinned, "The ministry of magic might have made it illegal to sue the ministry, but they didn't make it illegal to sue individual members, nor did they make it illegal to sue them in other jurisdictions. Finally in an act of sublime hubris, they decided that the law that prevented law suits should be frozen so that future generations were unable to change it."

The man blinked myopically at Bugger. "Do you mean?"

"Precisely," snapped Bugger.

"Sign here this form to acknowledge you have received this summons," stated the policeman. "As the official legal clerk you are authorized to accept legal documents for any member of the Ministry."

The ministry man grabbed the document and peered at it. Finally he pulled out a magnifying glass that contained a huge lens and he scanned the document.

"Your suing the Minister and the Ministry?" he asked incredulously.

Bugger nodded smugly. "Yep. I'm suing him personally in your courts. Oh and in the French courts, the ICW courts and just for giggles, the Queen's courts. Since I can't sue the Ministry in your courts we had to settle on the ICW, the Frenchies and the muggle courts."

As he spoke the Policeman placed additional forms in front of the legal clerk.

The door opened and the Legal clerk blinked in surprise. People never came into his office, now he had two of them in a single day!

Bugger turned and noted it was Antonius Jugson, a Death Eater that had escaped prison by claiming to be under the Imperius.

"I say, Jugson I am quite surprised to see you here. In fact I'm surprised to see you at the ministry at all these days. Taking quite a risk are we?" said Bugger jovially.

Jugson stared at him. "Whatever do you mean? Who are you?"

Bugger handed him a card. "I am the Lord Black, ninth earl of Blackmoor, I took the position after my cousin Sirius passed away before the summer."

Jugson shook the offered hand and never realized that Bugger had his hand coated with a very mild compulsion potion. "So why is it a surprise to see me my Lord?"

Bugger grinned. "You mean you haven't heard? Why I heard that Walden McNair claimed he was filing Blood Feud on your family only this morning. Considering that big axe he carries around I would have thought you'd be heading for a hills."

Jugson's eyes bulged and he rounded on the legal clerk. "You! You carry the forms for declaring a blood feud?"

"Yes Sir, but department 7 usually handles those forms," protested the clerk.

"Give me a form and let me fill it out, I can't risk going up to department 7, it's next to McNair's office."

The clerk nodded and fumbled around for a few minutes before finding the appropriate form.

Jugson looked around wildly for a moment.

"Here, use my quill," offered Bugger.

Jugson nodded his thanks and took the quill and quickly filled out the form, then he handed it to the clerk. "Here, send this form up to department 7, I'm leaving to gather my allies. McNair won't get away with this!"

Jugson dashed from the room and Bugger turned back to the clerk. "Now that you've signed for the summons for the wrongful death lawsuits, lets deal with the lawsuits for illegal kidnapping."

The clerk swallowed and nodded unhappily while the Policeman pulled out a large number of forms. Bugger was suing the Minister and each member of the Wizengamot individually for allowing Sirius to be put in prison.

The clerk looked at the pile of parchment and papers and he looked faint. "Are there more after this pile my Lord?"

Bugger grinned. "A few," he replied smoothly. "I think the number is somewhat close to 18,000 summons."

Bugger watched for a moment then nodded to the policeman. He would stay and serve his papers knowing full well he was earning a years pay for this single legal delivery. Bugger left the room wondering what other kind of havoc he could create. Before he'd leave the building he had a hand in starting dozens of nasty rumors, helped one family of former death eaters bankrupt another family of former death eaters and incited two more blood feuds.

All in all it was a good day and he was only getting started.

**The Daily Prophet, September 10th...**

Bugger stepped into the Leaky Cauldron and Tom, the inn keeper waved.

"Ho Bugger! Want a pint?"

He waved back and shook his head. "Maybe later Tom, today I have some business in the Alley."

Tom grinned evilly. He had spent more than a few hours talking with the new Lord Black who he thought was a right down to earth bloke who had a minor problem with seeking revenge over his dead cousin. Fortunately Bugger Black's idea of revenge was more sedate than the new Blood Feuds that were waged this summer.

"I've got a new shipment of your favorite Bugger," Tom called. "I'll put aside a bottle for you."

Bugger grinned and shot him a thumbs up, then he turned and headed to the back of the building.

He and Helga had seen Harry off on the express. He was amazed to discover that his Godson actually had two girlfriends! Two! In all his years at Hogwarts he never managed anything like that, and what was worse the two girls knew about each other!

He remembered the conversation Harry had with Hermione's parents and old Xeno Lovegood. Xeno wasn't too upset since it was what his little girl wanted, but the Grangers were taken aback by the whole concept of multiple marriages/relationships being rare but not unheard of or illegal in the Wizarding World.

When pressed Harry finally revealed that the girls asked him to be their boyfriend to protect them from a boy they didn't like. That put different spin on the relationship and the Grangers grudgingly approved. Of course Luna admitting that they had to explain to Harry everything about being a boyfriend caused a lot of smiles and no small concern for Bugger who realized that sooner or later he would have to give Harry the talk.

The summer had been a blast even if it did have a slow start. Harry had been rather shy around Helga and himself, but Bugger fixed that by breaking out a photo album containing hundreds of photos of his parents and their Hogwarts years.

It had taken time but slowly Harry opened up to them. Helga had their first breakthrough and he was glad to see that he quickly followed.

Harry had woken from a nightmare and Helga helped calm him, then sat watching until he fell back to sleep. Sirius had been amazed that Harry had turned to her. So he had asked Helga about how she had managed, she sighed and took him back into their bedroom for a talk.

"_Sirius, you know what I was born as. Lord Harry gave me a chance at a new kind of life and I will be forever grateful for what he did. But before Lord Harry I was dying, kicked from a family that treated me badly."_

_Sirius nodded. "I know," he said quietly. If she would ever name that family he would gladly ruin them and that's why she refused to name them._

"_Sirius," she said gently. "Harry comes from a similar background. I don't know if he was beaten like I was, but its clear there was no love for him at his relatives. We connected so easily because I know where he's coming from and I know that we're teaching him now, what he should have learned from his parents. How to love and receive love. Be supportive, be helpful, just don't demand anything and if he does something that requires a punishment, make it a gentle one. He's learning to trust and to love Sirius, and we're teaching him that."_

_Sirius sat on the edge of the bed and thought hard about what she was telling him. Finally he spoke. "Okay I understand what you're saying. I don't like what's happened to him and like even less that it happened to you. And I can see why he trusts you. Please, if you see me pushing him, or just doing something wrong. Kick me?"_

_Helga moved closer and caressed his cheek. "I will tell you my beloved master, but I will never kick you. We are helping to save Harry, but you saved me," she said huskily. She knew he'd never fully understand what a gift she had been given when Lord Harry gave her to Sirius. But that didn't matter anymore. Lord Harry had been very right about that. Her origins didn't matter, nothing mattered, but what she felt for her little family._

Bugger grinned at the memory. The three of them became very close over the summer, it was one of the best times he could remember since his school days and wouldn't give it up for anything.

Whistling a jaunty tune he walked up the alley way, nodding occasionally to people and smiling. He was the very picture of what a rich aristocratic pureblood would look like, finely dressed, carrying a cane with a silver handle, his cape ruffling gently as he walked.

Most people stepped out of his way as he made a beeline for his latest victim. The Prophet had been running a series of articles on the effects of his lawsuits on the Ministry and had called for the Ministry to pass a law preventing such disruptions.

He had tried the easy way out, buying the paper, but that didn't work, the owner wouldn't sell to him at any price. Surprisingly it was Helga that came up with a solution based on her lack of understanding. Business matters were something she wasn't very interested in.

If she had her way, and she often did, she'd drag Sirius and Harry on trips to explore new places. Her goal was to collect recipes for her favorite pastime. Cooking. Neither Harry nor Sirius complained about the trips they took and she was an excellent cook.

He stepped into the building and walked over to a desk that was occupied by a young girl.

"Welcome to the Daily Prophet sir, how may I help you?" she asked with a bright smile.

He smiled back. "Could you direct me to the office of the Publisher please?"

The girl thought for a moment and decided this man didn't look like one of the typical whack cases that came in demanding to speak to her boss. In fact, she thought he looked so handsome and refined.

"May I ask who's calling?"

"Tell Tiberuis that Lord Black, the ninth Earl of Blackmoor wishes to discuss some matters of business with him," Bugger replied.

She heaved a bit of a sigh, then she nodded and scurried from her chair.

_I still have it,_ he thought smugly. _Harry, you have one way cool and awesome Godfather._

The girl entered an office with an ornate plaque on the door and he could hear her squeaking in fright and some shouting, so he boldly marched into the office right behind her.

"Black!" shouted Tiberius. "I'm not selling no matter what you offer! You're just pissed because I'm onto you and exposing your ways to the world."

Bugger looked at the girl who was still shivering in the office. "Thank you my dear," he said smoothly. "If you ever find yourself looking for work, come see me."

The girl blinked and suddenly realized that maybe her bosses threats weren't such a bad thing after all. She gave Bugger a quick curtsy.

"OUT!" shouted Tiberius at the girl.

She squeaked again and ran from the room. Bugger turned his attention back on the publisher. "I say old fellow you really ought to treat the help better."

Tiberius turned and glared at Bugger. "I don't know what game you're playing but I'm telling you for the last time you can't influence what I print!"

Bugger smiled benignly. "Now you know that's not true old chap. I offered you an honorable price and you decided that it wasn't good enough."

Tiberius growled at him. "Get to the point Black!"

"Well you see, I was feeling a bit down about our last meeting. I mean really, there was no call for you calling my mother the daughter of a cheap streetwalker. But anyway my wife, who I love dearly but even I will admit, isn't too bright, asked me what was wrong."

"I told her you wouldn't sell me the paper, and do you know she said to me?"

Tiberius stared at the man as if he were insane. What could this possibly have to do with him?

"She said if I can't buy the paper, then buy your paper!" Bugger said with a hearty laugh.

At that moment the door flung open and the senior managing editor stormed into the room. "Tiberius, I just got a call from the presses, they are complaining that they never got the morning shipment of paper and only have enough on hand to print about 40 percent of our usual run."

"Oh yes that is quite right," Bugger replied. "You really should have sold to me when you had the chance. Now when you finally cave in you won't get a fraction of what this paper is worth."

Tiberius turned to Bugger. "What have you done?"

Bugger grinned. "I did what my wife suggested. I bought all of your basic paper. There are only two companies supplying rolls of printing press paper to the wizarding world and I bought out all of their stock for the foreseeable future. You could find a muggle supplier, but you'd have to get Ministry approval and even then, you'd probably end of raising the price of your paper to over a galleon a copy.

Bugger smirked at the man. "Besides, the ministry is so tied up in lawsuits and blood feuds at the moment that the odds of them approving anything are remote."

The publisher turned white and sank back into his chair staring at Bugger.

Bugger stood and grinned at the two men. "I think I'll turn this building into a Spa," said to himself, looking around. "Yes, we'll put a massage table right where your desk used to be Tiberius. Well I'm off to the club, enjoy your final edition gents. Ta!"

Bugger turned and walked from the room whistling and just enjoying life in general.

**Wain Manor Sept 11th...**

Luna walked into the room and spotted Harry sitting with a big bowl of popcorn, watching the mirror.

"Isn't it early for popcorn?"

"It's never too early for popcorn. Besides, this should be amusing, I've borrowed Fritz."

She frowned. "You borrowed Fritz? What if I want to use him?"

He waved a hand dismissing her worries. "You can still use him, but I just thought with this being third year and there's no escaped Sirius, we could use the time to play with Snape."

She slid into the spot next to him and helped herself to some popcorn. She hated to admit it, but he was right, it's never too early for popcorn. There are inappropriate times perhaps, like the time they were making love and she threw the bowl of popcorn across the room during a particularly wonderful orgasm. Harry laughed so hard at that point that it took him nearly an hour to get back into the mood. Every time he looked at her he started laughing again.

Since then popcorn has been banned from the bedroom.

"So what are we watching?"

"Snape's potions class. He hates potions now and he tried teaching the class from the hallway, but Dumbledore got on his case about the injuries because he was sitting outside of the class. So today is the first day that Harry, Luna and Hermione are going to a potions class where he's forced to enter the classroom."

Luna smiled smugly, little Luna had managed to skip a year ahead and join her boyfriend/girlfriend in third year.

"Aren't we picking too much on Snape?" she asked.

He frowned. "Are you picking too much on Ron?"

She blushed and looked away. She had transfigured the contents of his trunk into spiders, then pinned the blame on his brothers. His shrieks could be heard all the way down in the Slytherin dungeons.

"So what else have you planned for this year?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

He frowned. "Well I've got the whole tournament thing to set up and I have to give Wormtail and Crouch Jr the idea of using the horcruxes," he replied, then he grinned evilly.

"What," she said, nudging his side.

"What if I convince Wormtail that the ritual will work, but only with an appendage that contains no bones?"

She snickered. "And you call me evil?"

He leaned a little closer to her. "No I called you naughty and you enjoyed it."

She shivered in response and smiled back at him.

Up on the wall the mirror showed the door opening and the students filed in. Snape stood at the door and waited for everyone to enter. He glanced up the corridor and winced, then nodded reluctantly.

"Dumbledore must be standing, watching," Harry murmured.

Luna nodded and reached for more popcorn.

Snape walked into the room and looked around for a moment. "Today you'll be making a potion," he spat, then he waved his wand and the instructions appeared on the board.

"Instructions are on the board, get started."

Harry stood from his place between Hermione and Luna. He wasn't as good in potions as they were, so he usually collected the ingredients while they prepared the cauldrons.

He walked over to the ingredient cabinet and tugged on the handle. It wouldn't budge! He tugged again, still no good, the doors were stuck fast.

"Professor," he called, "The cabinet doors are stuck."

Snape glared at Harry for a moment. "Idiot child," he muttered, then he strode forward from the back of the class. Coming up to the cabinet he grabbed the handle and tugged hard. The door moved slightly then stuck again.

A small titter of laughter rippled through the class and he glared at them. Harry moved away, not wanting to be close to the professor who had a reputation for being nasty.

Snape rubbed his hands on his robes then he grabbed the handles and pulled. The doors swung open and he staggered back for a moment before recovering.

"HALLLLLOOOOO!" shouted Fritz, who stared at Snape with glowing red eyes. "GET OUT OF MY CABINET!"

Severus squealed and had an accident he hadn't experienced since he was three, then he turned and ran from the class room, still squealing.

The students watched in confusion having neither seen or heard Fritz.

On the mirror Harry and Luna could see Fritz slowly fade away. Little Luna looked up in the direction of the mirror, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"What now?" asked little Harry.

"Get the bat eyes and lizard guts, we'll make the potion and hopefully the Professor will come back after his fit is over," Hermione offered. With that the class settled down to work on their potion, without any help from a teacher.

**The Ministry of Magic, Oct 1st...**

Cornelius Fudge left the atrium heading for his office. It was early, not even 11am yet and he was coming to work. He hoped his secretary had his tea ready because he really needed that to wake up in the morning.

"Good Morning Minister," said one passer by.

"Mmmphh," he replied. He really needed his morning tea!

Stepping into his outer office he skidded to a halt and peered at the crowd of people there. Several people were shouting in protest, but it appeared that most were controlling themselves. On the floor were four bound and stunned people, including Simon Smitty, his favorite brown noser and Delores Umbridge who had been blackmailing him for years.

He shivered and hoped that someone would deal with her. If anyone ever saw those photographs taken after that drunken Christmas party of the pair! He'd be ruined!

His eyes narrowed when he spotted Lord "Bugger" Black standing among a group of men who were wearing the uniforms of ICW Aurors.

"Oh bugger," Cornelius muttered. _I don't need this so early in the morning,_ he thought.

Bugger looked up and smiled, spotting Cornelius. "There he is!" he exclaimed. "Seize him!"

Four burly ICW Aurors leapt on Cornelius before he could do anything and dragged him to the ground.

"I'm the Minister of Magic!" he bellowed, "Release me at once!"

After removing and testing his wand, which surprisingly hadn't been used in three years, and even then the tests showed it was a failed Lumos spell, they slapped manacles on him and pulled him to his feet.

He looked about wildly, then he spotted Amelia Bones looking somewhat confused and more than a bit pleased. In her hands was a parchment.

"Amelia! Release me! Summon the Aurors and arrest these people!" he shouted.

She grimaced and turned to him. "Cornelius, I'm afraid my hands are tied. Do you remember last week when you signed that bill allowing for the hunting of runaway elves?"

He nodded.

"It appears Lord Black here had a rider installed to it before you signed it. As a result, the Ministry now must cooperate with any and all Muggle legal proceedings. Lord Black admitted that he bribed Delores here to add the rider, but since you passed the law that bribery was no longer a crime," she trailed off with a shrug.

Cornelius' eyes bulged. "I don't understand. If we are cooperating with muggle legal proceedings why am I in manacles?"

Bugger stepped forward. "I'll explain that one," he said with a bright smile. "You tied up the french courts in motions, you stalled the ICW cases by committees, and you ignored the muggle courts entirely. As of this morning a bench warrant was issued for your arrest on the charges of contempt. These fine gentlemen of the ICW Auror force are here to escort you to Scotland Yard."

Cornelius looked at Black and shrank from him in terror.

"The ICW will be warding your cell for the Muggles Cornelius, we wouldn't want some assassin trying to pop into your cell to kill you would we?" Bugger asked, then he smirked at the man. Warding the cell would also prevent rescue attempts.

Bugger looked to the Aurors and nodded. Cornelius whimpered as they grabbed him by the shoulders and dragged him from the office. They weren't even going to portkey! They were dragging him through the building! The shame!

Bugger watched Cornelius for a moment longer, then he turned to Madam Bones. "Now that the unpleasant business is out of the way Madam Bones, who do you think we should elect as our new Minister?"

Amelia stared at the man. "Lord Black, you are fully aware that thanks to your law suits the Wizengamot lacks the necessary numbers for a new Minister to be elected."

Bugger bowed to her. "Pity that, but don't blame me entirely, I'm not the one involved in what? Six blood feuds at the moment?"

Amelia winced, she had already lost four Aurors to those feuds and wouldn't be surprised to find herself losing more.

"Why? That's what I want to know Black," she spat. "You're destroying the Government with your suits."

Bugger pulled him to his full height and glared down at her. "You and your Government killed my beloved cousin illegally. There is one fixed law of being a Black. Hurt mine and we'll destroy you. Since that swine tied up all my suits and you still haven't even been willing to admit you locked up a man without a trial, I'm taking my case to the Goblins."

Amelia paled and took a step back. "No," she whispered.

Bugger grinned. "Yep, the first thing Goblins do is freeze any affected accounts. It doesn't bother me to get my Gringotts accounts frozen because I have other resources to tap into. The Ministry however doesn't."

Bugger turned and walked from the room, his back stiff.

_I've got to call a meeting of what's left of the Wizengamot,_ Amelia thought in a panic. _Somehow I have to convince them to make a public statement about Black or the Goblins will break us._

**Ravenclaw Girls Dorm, December 1st...**

"Luna."

Luna looked up from her book she was reading. She sat on her bed in her pajamas. "Yes Hermione?"

Hermione climbed into her bed and sat cross legged, facing her. "I think we need to talk to Harry."

Luna closed her book and looked at her. "About what?"

"He's been staring at me a lot lately," Hermione said in a whisper.

Luna shook her head. "Hermione, he's been staring at both of us. Ever since the summer when he noticed we were developing breasts."

Hermione blushed terribly, she knew exactly what he had been staring at but hadn't wanted to say anything about it.

"Doesn't it bother you?" she hissed.

"Not in the least, it's really kind of flattering really. He's noticing us more and more these days."

"Luna!"

"What? Oh really Hermione, did you forget that you're the one that gave me that adult version of Hogwarts a History? And don't we want Harry to like us enough for some of those things?" asked Luna.

"Yes but we're too young!"

Luna nodded. "We are, but tell me, what do you think of that Hufflepuff Susan Bones?"

Hermione blinked and leaned back. "I don't know her very well, but she seems like a sweet girl."

Luna shook her head. "Hermione, she's a very sweet girl who happens to have breasts big enough to attract the attention of every boy in the school. Do you remember that weekend in September when we all went swimming in the lake?"

Hermione nodded slowly and agreed with Luna's assessment, Susan was the envy of many girls in the school, older and younger. "I remember, it was then that I really noticed Harry looking at me."

"Did he look at any other girl. There were at least 20 of us girls our in swimming costumes," Luna asked.

Hermione shook her head. "No, I don't think he did."

"He did, he looked at me just as intently as he looked at you. I know because I watched him. He didn't look at Lavender Brown from Gryffindor, he didn't look at Susan who most of the boys were staring and drooling over. He didn't even look at that Slytherin Greengrass and she's one of the prettiest girls in the school."

She paused and took a breath. "Think about that Hermione, he looked at you and I. Just us."

Hermione considered that fact. Somehow it made her feel better about everything. "So we shouldn't talk to him then?"

Luna smiled. "You can if you really want him to stop. But I kind of like it, my boyfriend knows I'm a girl and likes what he sees. I also know he's too much of a gentleman to do anything until I give him permission. If you do say something, be gentle with him or you may scare him off. I'm not worried about it and I think this year I'll take some time with Harry to learn how to kiss."

Hermione giggled and blushed. She had been considering the same thing for the year but Harry's stares were worrying her until Luna explained it. She was developing well, but like many girls, she was unhappy with her looks.

She smiled. "He likes us."

Luna nodded. "He does, he just hasn't figured out how to say it yet."

Hermione's expression grew thoughtful, "Then we'll have to help him learn."

Luna laughed and then she blushed. Hermione eyed her curiously. "What?" she demanded, wanting to know what could invoke such a reaction from her friend.

"Well I was just think about Harry when we went swimming."

"And?"

"Didn't you notice how nice his bum looked?" Luna asked, then blushed deeply. Hermione joined her in blushing. Apparently looking was a two way street.

**Wain Manor, December 25th...**

Luna heard a noise and she turned. In the distance she heard Harry laugh, no, that was wrong, he cackled, evilly. She shivered and a thrill of lust shot through her. She had to know what Harry was up to.

Following the sounds she headed down to the basement and an area that used to be the dungeons for the family that once lived here.

Pushing open the wrought iron door she came upon Harry, circling a large glass walled tank and laughing.

"What are you going to do now Wormtail?" he taunted.

Luna moved closer. There were several large snakes in the tank, and they had their attention fixed on the small metal cage on the floor in the center of the tank. Inside that cage resided one quivering rat.

"What are you doing?"

Harry looked up from the spectacle. "I'm preparing Wormtail for his next task. See?" he replied, then gestured to a workbench where the Diadem and Hufflepuff's cup lay. The last two horcruxes except for the one in Dumbledore's head.

"Forgive me if I fail to see how putting him in a cage full of snakes is preparing him," she replied drolly.

"Aw Luna, we're just playing. Right Wormy?"

She felt Harry's magic surge lightly and Wormtail reared up on his hind legs and nodded vigorously at her.

She frowned and crossed her arms over her chest. "Harry, if you break Wormy you won't be able to use him for your plans."

"But Luna!" he protested.

"No, give him his directions and send him on his way. Unless you've changed your mind?"

Harry shook his head, "No, but I was looking forward to tormenting him."

"Harry, if you don't do as I say, then there'll be no Santa for you this year."

His expression brightened and he waved a hand. Wormtail and both Horcruxes glowed for a moment, then vanished. Then he vanished the tank with the snakes.

"Really Santa got me something?"

She smiled, he was such a child sometimes. "Santa brought you a train like the one Harry and Bugger were using."

He thought about that for a moment. "Did Santa remember to bring track too?"

Luna suddenly took a sharp breath. Drat! She had forgotten the track! "Ummmm."

Harry smiled. "No matter, I know where to find track that's just the right size and it won't bother the muggles at all!"

He waved a hand and the room started to fill with shrunk down railroad tracks. "This is going to be fun!" he exclaimed.

Meanwhile, miles away in Gringotts, a cart carrying ten goblins sailed into open space as the track beneath the cart vanished. Goblins plummeting to their deaths sounded remarkably like cats fighting. Gringotts would spend months wondering what happened to ten miles of track.

**Black Manor in Wales, Feb 16th...**

Helga looked up from the book she was reading when Sirius walked in. Privately he would always be Master Sirius to her even if she did use his nickname of Bugger.

She smiled as he moved to sit next to her. "Something good I hope?" she said when she spotted the parchment in his hand.

"Letter from Harry," he replied.

"Oh? How is he doing?"

"Hang on a sec and I'll read it to you," he replied, then he unfolded the letter.

_Dear Bugger and Helga,_

_I really miss you guys and I can't wait until the term ends. Life here has sort of settled down. Snape is still acting weird, but I can't say that's really different, he's acted weird ever since I started here. I also found a recipe book in the library and I've copied a bunch of recipes for Helga, I hope she likes them._

"That's so sweet of him," she murmured.

_Bugger, I did like you suggested for Valentines day, but now things are even more confusing. The three of us went to an unused classroom and I gave them both those heart shaped lockets which you helped me pick out. _

_The girls loved the lockets. But then Hermione started talking about I was paying too much attention to her chest and I nearly died from embarrassment. I stammered an apology at her. Luna stopped me at that point and told me it was all right, then she glared at Hermione who glared right back at her. I apologized again and said I only looked because I thought they both were prettiest girls I knew._

"Oh boy he's in trouble now," Bugger said with a grin. Helga shot him a smile and motioned for him to keep reading.

_Both girls turned to me at that point. I honestly think I surprised them. Then they both kissed me on the cheek. Luna then turned to Hermione and said "I told you so." _

_I had no clue what they were talking about, but then Hermione turned to me and said it was all right to look at her and Luna, but no other girls. Then they kissed me again!_

_Honestly Bugger, how am I supposed to figure this out? No one else at school has two girl friends like I do. A few of the teachers have spoken with us over it, but none have done more than ask a few questions. On the other hand that creep from Gryffindor, Colin, tried to chat up Hermione again last week and I ended up thumping him one._

"Poor Harry," Helga murmured.

Bugger looked up from his letter. "Poor Harry? Why?"

She sighed and put aside her book. "Sirius, Harry isn't asking you for help with the mechanics of love, he knows about that. I talked with him over the summer and he knows about it thanks to his muggle schooling. He's asking for help with the emotional aspects. Its a shame but he has so little experience with love that he's unsure and trying to figure out what to do. The only principle he has to guide him is he doesn't want to hurt either girl."

Bugger frowned and Helga sighed. She knew that his stay in Azkaban had damaged Sirius in a manner similar to Harry. "What else does he have to say?"

Bugger glanced down at the parchment.

_This whole boyfriend with two girlfriends is confusing. Just when I get to the point where I think I'm getting the hang of it, they up and change the rules on me. Now both of them claim they want to learn how to kiss so we've been practicing that a lot. It's nice and makes for a fun diversion from studying together. So I guess that's ok._

"Oh poor Harry indeed," Bugger muttered sarcastically. "His mother would be mortified, his father would be upset only because he never pulled off anything even close to this."

_My DADA teacher is giving me funny looks again Bugger. He seems rather upset that I'm with you. I'm not sure but I think he complained to someone and they told him to butt out. There's been more than one occasion when he's started to say something, then changed his mind. Should I tell him to contact you if this continues?_

_Love,_

_Harry_

"Moony," Bugger said with a heavy sigh. As much as he would have liked to contact his old friend, there was a fair amount of resentment simmering in him for abandoning Harry. He didn't care about himself, but he left Harry to Dumbledore even when he knew the Potters had left a will that didn't allow Dumbledore to take him. He still wasn't sure what to do about Moony.

Dobby, who Luna had freed from the Malfoys popped in.

"Yes Dobby?" asked Helga. She felt a bit sorry for Dobby, but he was no longer mistreated by anyone and he had bonded to Harry, like Luna said he would.

"Mistress, a Madam Boneses is at the door."

Bugger looked up at that and grinned. "Show Madam Bones in Dobby. Then please bring us a tea service."

Dobby nodded and vanished.

Bugger stood as Dobby escorted Amelia Bones into the room. "Madam Bones, welcome to our home. May I introduce you to my wife Helga, the Lady Black."

Amelia nodded to Helga and then turned to Bugger. "My Lord, I am sorry to intrude on your privacy, but I am here to try to hammer out an agreement between you and the Ministry. We're in a dire straight, the Ministry is broke and most of the employees have left to seek employment elsewhere. I have just ten loyal Aurors who I've been paying out of my own pocket."

Bugger held up a hand and she trailed off. "Madam Bones I'm not an unreasonable man. The ministry is so concerned about it's image that it will go to any length to protect that rather than admit a tragic mistake was made. Is the Ministry willing to publicly admit that they sent my cousin to prison where he died, without a trial?"

Amelia looked uncomfortable, but she nodded. "I am willing to say exactly that to the press and the few remaining Wizengamot members alive are willing to stand up behind me to corroborate my statement."

"Then I will drop my action with the Goblins. That will free up the Ministry accounts. As a short term solution it works. In the long term I would like to see laws put in place to prevent this sort of thing from ever happening again."

Amelia nodded vigorously, this was something she could easily agree to. "If you like, I'll be pleased to co-sponsor a bill with you. As Lord Black you can rightly take the family seat on the Wizengamot."

Bugger agreed. The ministry was in shambles and now the common wizard was hurting because of it. He'd back off on the lawsuits and resort to character assassinations and helping ferment more blood feuds. He was out to get the corrupt people out, not ruin honest people, like Amelia Bones.

Satisfied Amelia left to report on her success. Bugger then turned to the final piece of mail he had, a letter from Albus Dumbledore.

"The old man wants to talk to me about Harry," he said quietly.

"He can't take him away from us can he? I don't want to lose him Sirius!" Helga said in alarm.

He gave her a grateful look. She loved Harry and he was convinced that she would treat their kids no different. It hadn't taken long for Harry to worm his way into her heart and she did the same to him. Harry knew she wasn't his mum, but she was the next best thing.

"The old man might be able to bluster, but he can't take Harry from us, don't worry. Just for the fun of it I think I'll ignore this message, see how annoyed I can make him by taking my time responding."

Helga nodded happily and went back to her book. She trusted Sirius implicitly, he'd protect their family and if the old man got out of line, there was always Lord Harry who could stomp on him. She'd enjoy watching that.

**Wain Manor, Feb 20th...**

Harry stumbled into the sitting room where Luna was watching the mirror. He was dirty from coal smoke and dust and sporting a huge smile on his face.

She smiled at his entrance, pleased that this Christmas had been a huge success. She waved her hand and he was instantly clean from head to toe. He paused and took a sniff, then frowned. He didn't mind her cleaning spells, but her idea of a cologne wasn't all that appealing even if it did turn her on considerably he didn't really like the wet Snorkack smell.

"Thanks."

Luna gave him a hug and sniffed deeply, her eyes glazing slightly and he could swear she was purring. Leading her over to the couch he sat down then pulled her into his lap.

"So what are you watching now?"

The mirror contained nothing more than an image of a blank piece of parchment.

"I thought it would be amusing to see what the old man is using WizNet for."

WizNet was an invention of Luna's. In essence it was a book of spells that allowed wizards to emulate the muggle internet. It was also the primary source for Luna's income in every universe they visited. Within their first year she'd publish the first of a series of three books of spells containing all that was needed to give the wizarding world a magical version of the internet.

As much as Harry tried to freely share his money with her, even going as far as claiming she was his wife and was allowed to use his money, she wanted to earn her own way.

For the most part, the wizarding community used it for what it was made for. Porn. But behind the scenes Luna ran a number of internet based businesses which she always left to little Luna when they faked their deaths and moved on to a new universe.

Dumbledore rarely bothered with WizNet except to hit the Gladiator Pictorial collections and on a few rare occasions he fell into a trap Luna had laid just for him.

Suddenly they heard a voice from the mirror and they turned their attention to it.

"Cast Access Lords of Light Forums Dot Wiz User Albie Pass Spongebob Invoke!"

Luna giggled. "He has a password of Spongebob?"

Harry shook his head in amazement, then he started choking in laughter as words appeared on the parchment.

_Welcome Albus the Magnificent to the Lords of Light Forums, you are user number 1279. There are currently 49 users logged in. You have three messages. _

"Albus the Magnificent?" Luna murmured over Harry's laughter. "I think it's time for angel to show him just how magnificent he is."

A hand appeared in the view of the mirror and he started to write.

_To: All membership_

_Subject: General Difficulties._

_Does any one else seem to have difficulties in accomplishing your grand plan for the Greater Good? I seem to be plagued with them of late and I can't understand it. My people have decided not to listen to me, I have a potions professor that is afraid of potions and convinced he's being haunted. My pawn is ignoring me entirely and starting a harem of girls! How sick is that?_

_And don't get me started on angels! I have been searching for a way of banishing her for 2 years now without any success. _

_How about it Light Lords out there? Do you have similar problems? Share your stories and perhaps we can all learn from the experience._

_Albus the Magnificent_

_Tag: Merlin eat your heart out. I'm stronger and look better in a thong!_

Harry carefully pushed Luna out of his lap and she stood frowning as he slid to the floor laughing.

"Harry this is serious, he's trying to find a way of banishing an angel! And he's against Harry and his girls!"

Harry waved his hand at her trying to tell her to calm down, but he was still laughing too hard. After a few minutes and a few too many sharp kicks from his love, he calmed enough to speak. "Relax love, the Boss told me that they were going to work to remove any chance of anyone stumbling onto divine majicks. They made a special exception in my case, and reluctantly agreed to boost your power and even if they hadn't, I would have.

"Dumbledore will never find anything that works and even if on the remote chance that he did, it wouldn't work on you at all. You're using regular magic and your the strongest human magic user in the world."

He sat up and rubbed his ribs and winced, then he shot her a reproachful look and she looked away. "I'll make it to you," she murmured.

He grinned at her, then pointed to the mirror. Someone was replying to Dumbledore's post.

_To: Albus the Magnificent_

_Subject: (re) General Difficulties._

_Albus,_

_I feel your pain. I too have had similar difficulties. So much in fact that I decided to back up a few steps and try to help the Greater Good on a smaller scale, which I have renamed to the Lesser Good (tm). Even that hasn't gone as well as I might have hoped, for example the day I tried to rescue the child stuck up a tree and accidentally set the tree on fire._

_I was appalled until I realized that that little girl would have probably grown up to be a rampaging serial killer, then I felt better about the whole deal. It's not easy being a Lord of Light when everyone around you is your inferior and they just don't know it. _

_Just remember to keep plugging away, we're all pulling for you and know that you'll get there. You've been our role model for many years and we know you'll pull out of this slump. _

_Hugs and Kisses,_

_Larry, Light Lord in Training._

_Tag: I only appear dark because my batteries are recharging!_

Harry frowned. "He set a tree on fire with a girl in it?"

Luna nodded somberly. "Do you want to do this one? I got the last one."

Harry nodded and gestured. She felt a rush of power from him and he grinned evilly.

"What did you do?"

"I sent Larry into the light. I encased him in a protective air bubble and hurled him into the sun."

She nodded in satisfaction. Larry deserved his fate, then she paused and thought, _Maybe I can use Larry next time I visit Albus._

"Cast Logout User Albus Invoke!" Dumbledore said, then he rolled up the parchment.

The image on the mirror suddenly zoomed out to take in the entire office.

Albus rolled up the parchment and looked towards the door. "Come!" he called.

Remus Lupin walked in and took a seat. "Thank you for coming Remus. I've invited the current Lord Black here and I thought you might be interested in sitting in on that meeting. I'm concerned about his taking guardian rights of Harry Potter."

Luna sat up and hissed. "I'm going to gut him slowly."

"Let's wait and see how this plays out," he advised. "Sirius isn't about to let anything happen to Harry."

Remus frowned and nodded. He had tried to reach out to Harry and had been soundly rebuffed by the lad. It didn't help that his little harem closed ranks and refused to leave him alone with him. He had been shocked to find that Harry's reaction and attitude towards the staff fell into two categories. With one group that included Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall and Snape he was coldly polite but refused to warm to any of them.

Flitwick, Sprout, Vector and the rest reported he was not only a very polite lad, but he was friendly and cheerful and always willing to lend a helping hand.

It wasn't until after Remus had been rebuffed by Harry that he realized that all of the first group, including himself, had been in someway involved in Harry's placement at the Dursleys, either by direct participation or by their inactivity. Remus didn't understand how he found out, but he knew now that Harry was aware of how he ended up with his relatives. Harry was more like his mother in one key aspect, he didn't forgive easily.

The door opened and Bugger entered the room, he glanced at Remus and then dismissed him as inconsequential.

Bugger sat and crossed his legs. "You called this meeting Dumbledore, what do you want?" he said harshly.

Dumbledore blinked in surprise, he hadn't expected this level of animosity from Lord Black.

Dumbledore cleared his throat. "I would like you to reconsider your taking Harry Potter into your home. He needs to be with his."

"No and that's my last word on it," Bugger said firmly. "You have no say in where the boy goes Dumbledore. You had no say when you placed him with those stinking muggles and you have no say now. You knew he was supposed to go to my cousin or any number of other well qualified families. Once my ward reaches of age, he's going to sue you for wrongful placement and kidnapping and I'll help him as much as I can."

"I'm curious just how you are Sirius' cousin, the only ones I was aware of were Narcissa, Bellatrix and Andromeda," offered Remus.

"You have little room to talk werewolf. Yes I know about your furry little problem, I also know you abandoned Harry to the Headmaster. How does it feel to know that you let your best friend go to his death in prison without a trial? Even Bellatrix got a trial!"

The ministry had publicly admitted that Sirius hadn't had a trial and therefore had been illegally held in prison all this time. That particular fact beat on Remus, he had believed that Sirius had been guilty.

Bugger stood. "No, Harry is happy with my wife and I and that's where he'll stay."

Dumbledore pulled his wand from his sleeve, before he could even begin to cast Bugger had a Derringer in his face. "Place the wand on the desk nice and easy."

"Go Sirius," Harry said in admiration, then he saw Remus start to move. He snapped his fingers and Remus seemed to freeze in his seat.

Sirius spared him a quick glance then turned back to Dumbledore who had placed his wand on the desk. Sirius reached forward with one hand and picked up the wand. "I'll owl this back to you old man. And thanks, you just convinced me to remove Harry from this school once he's completed his owls. His girls too if I have anything to say about it."

Bugger pocketed the wand and backed out of the room. "Dumbledore," he said at the doorway. "I expect to continue to hear from my ward and nothing will help you if anything happens to him. Believe me I'll know about it and I'll see you in prison before I let you harm Harry."

With that he turned and walked down the stairs. On the way he looked over the wand and decided he might as well have some fun with it.

Up in the office Dumbledore turned to Remus and realized the man was frozen in place. He had to root around for Remus' wand so that he could dispel the curse, but it wore off before he could cast.

"I'm sorry Headmaster," Remus began.

"No no my boy, I supposed we should have expected him to deal with you as well. I admit I was surprised to be facing a pistol. It appears this Lord Black is more cosmopolitan than his predecessors."

"Sir your wand?"

Dumbledore frowned as he realized he was no longer the master of the Elder Wand. "I daresay Lord Black will return it my boy, in the meantime, please keep trying to reach out to Mr. Potter. We must convince him that returning to his relatives is the only sound thing to do."

Remus nodded unhappily and walked from the room. At the bottom of the stairs he tripped and went sprawling. Once he recovered he stared at the Gargoyle, but it made no movement. He couldn't explain the distinct feeling that he had been pushed.

**Snape's Quarters...**

"Damn brats I swear they do this on purpose!" he swore, then he started to peel out of his potion stained clothing.

He was slowly getting back into the swing of teaching, but he had several persistent problems that seemed to plague him this year. For one thing he was haunted. He was certain of it. Ever since he walked into the Headmaster's office he had been experiencing encounters with a floating head.

The head had appeared in the potions cabinet, it had appeared in the classrooms, in the staff lounge. Everywhere. He had turned to Albus who had checked him for spells and came up blank.

Ghosts weren't really a problem for anyone living in the castle, but this one was tormenting him.

And if that wasn't bad enough, someone among the students had learned of his trip to Mistress Natasha and of the phrase he had been trained to respond to. The students were openly mocking him!

He threw his shirt to the floor and carefully removed his pants, trying not to get any of the potion on his skin. The potion, a simple hair restorative was meant to be ingested. Applied topically it would cause massive and uncontrolled hair growth on any exposed skin. The pants had been soaked, but like any good potion master, his clothing was lined to prevent a potion from soaking through.

Now naked he stepped into his bathroom and reached into the shower to turn on the faucets. While he waited for the hot water to come up he examined himself in the mirror to make sure no potion had hit his skin. Satisfied he turned and pulled the curtain back and placed one leg under the spray of water in the tub.

"HALLLLLLOOOOOOO!" shouted Fritz from the shower. "Would you scrub my back. Wait! I don't have a back! GET OUT OF MY SHOWER!"

Snape screamed and dropped his bar of soap. He spun on one heel and placed his wet leg down to run and stepped on the bar of soap. He literally catapulted out of the bathroom face first and nose planted into the potion soaked pants.

He sprang to his feet, horrified by the fact that his face was now wet with potion. "COME KISS ME!" Fritz yelled as he floated from the bathroom.

Snape's cheek twitched violently and he ran from his quarters. In fact he ran all the way to the infirmary and the only saving grace for the students was there was so much hair growing from his face and neck that they couldn't identify him.

Luna turned to Harry after turning off the mirror and said, "You did that I purpose! You're tormenting him!"

Harry grinned. "Of course I am."

"Harry you're not supposed to drive him crazy."

"How would anyone know really? Besides you've got to admit, its funny!"

Luna crossed her arms. "No, you're doing it because you can!"

"And you're not? Might I remind you that you made one of Ron's testicles swell to 10 times normal size over the summer months?"

"That's different," she replied airily. "Ron deserves it!"

Harry smirked at her, then turned back to the mirror and she huffed to herself. She hated when Harry won an argument.

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, Feb 21st...**

Dumbledore entered his office and slammed the door behind him in a fit of anger. Ever since Black had left the castle yesterday his gargoyle and the suits of armor had taken to annoying certain staff members. Minerva was using her animal form to travel around the school since in her human form the suits would pinch her bottom rather painfully.

Remus would have the suits bark and follow him around howling and yipping. Dumbledore found that he needed to shield himself or he'd get a good solid kick in the pants. He had tried dispelling the enchantments but without his precious Elder Wand, it was futile. He feared that surrendering the wand to Black might have also transferred ownership of the wand.

"Hello Albus," said a voice.

He skidded to a complete halt. The Angel sat behind his desk, looking quite angry. Fawkes sat on her shoulder and she was caressing the bird who was clearly enjoying the attention. She glanced at the bird and the animal sprang aloft and flew over to his perch. He wasn't about to miss one of these encounters! They gave him so much to talk about at the Phoenix pub!

Luna calmly stood and placed a hand on his desk. The desk screamed in pain and split into eight pieces before fleeing to opposite areas of the office.

Albus moaned seeing his beloved desk destroyed again. He also knew he'd need to find another repair spell, once destroyed, the previous spell never seemed to work properly again.

"You know Albus," Luna said calmly. "I watched you yesterday when you attempted to interfere with Harry Potter again. In fact I was enjoying a nice day at the beach when you made me come back to snowy Scotland."

She paused and drew her flaming sword from a pocket. "In fact I can't recall any mortal that I've had to deal with in the past million years that has annoyed me as much as you."

She frowned at him. "Kneel." she commanded. Her voice echoed with power and the walls trembled. Dust shifted down from the ceiling.

Dumbledore's eyes bugged out and he felt his knees give way. He tried to fight the compulsion but he couldn't.

"No," he moaned. "I'm working for the Greater Good! Surely you can see that what I do, I do for all of Wizarding Britain."

"What I see is an amoral old man who doesn't care who he hurts just to achieve his goals. No one gave you the right to decide what the Greater Good is. Even I don't know what the master plan is. Only He knows and He never tells anyone!"

Luna frowned at him then she held out a hand.

"Let me speak plainly Albus Dumbledore. Your life hangs on a thread. You are seriously angering people upstairs and when enough of them get angry, He gets angry."

A small figure appeared in the palm of her hand.

"Noooo, help me! I'm sorry," said the figure in a whiney voice.

"You know Larry the Light Lord in training Albus?" she cooed at him.

Albus blanched and moaned to himself. Not Larry! He was such a good lad!

"He angered Him," Luna said softly.

Suddenly Larry burst into flame and he howled and scampered around on Luna's hand before fading away.

"That is your fate if you don't repent your evil ways!" she intoned. "From hereon I shall be watching you, my sword poised to strike at the slightest infraction!"

She raised her sword high into the air and his desk screamed in terror, the split into 16 pieces.

Luna faded from view and Dumbledore fainted dead away which caused the portraits to break up in laughter. It had been years since they had been so entertained. Not since Everick Elphard used to use this office to hold his liaisons with some of the seventh year girls.

**Intermission...**

Your screen fills with wavy lines and your computer suddenly starts to play the theme song from Twilight Zone. You sit astounded by the display and try to ignore the subliminal messages to smear lime jello all over your body. Then an idea pops into your head which clearly wasn't subliminal. "Tell Bob and Alyx how much you like them, name your kid Balyx after the both of them. Send Bob Donuts and Alyx photos of naked llamas."

**Wain Manor, Mid August between Third and Fourth Year...**

Harry danced in front of the blank wall. "Do do do do do do" he sang.

Luna entered the room and looked at him, then she nodded eagerly and pulled out her wand. With a deft wave she changed his footwear to bunny slippers.

"Dance harder!" she commanded.

Harry stopped and turned to her. "Not another appreciate Bunny thing like Duck Day?" he moaned.

"Oh no, nothing like that," she replied airily. "This is much more pragmatic and serves a serious purpose. I promise."

Harry peered at her for a moment, then he began to shuffle his feet and dance to his tune again.

Each time he stepped the slippers made a startled squeak. Finally he turned to Luna, his dance completed. "So what did we just do?"

"We solved a serious problem for people," she declared loftily. "I read that Rabbits were overrunning Australia. They were brought there by English settlers over a hundred years ago."

Harry nodded. "Yes I heard that too," he admitted. "So this was designed to help with that?"

She nodded happily.

"Okay, lets push on then, we have the tournament this year to deal with," he said. He trusted her implicitly, after all she was going to be the mother of his children, why wouldn't he trust her?

In an infinite number of universes, an infinite number of Australians suddenly woke up with the intense desire to stomp on a rabbit. Barefoot.

"Are you certain you want still want Harry in the tournament?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes, but you'll need to talk to him before hand. Actually maybe you should talk to all three of them so that he has some support during this."

"I'm concerned Harry, you're talking about giving him a power boost early, usually you don't boost Harry until just before we leave."

Harry looked down and rubbed one foot against his leg. "I thought about that too, but I realized that he needs the boost, besides the girls will help keep him straight. You know how bad it got for me during the tournament."

She nodded and felt a small pang of regret shoot through her. She knew how much he had been hurt by the student reaction and at the time she considered approaching him, but didn't.

"Alright let's do it then. But I want to make one change if we do this," she replied.

"And that is?"

"You'll see."

"I hate it when you do that," he muttered.

"Why else do you think I do it?" she replied smugly then she picked up her book.


	4. Chapter 4

**Standard Disclaimer:**

Alyx peered over the lip of the trench. A shot rang out and she hunkered back down.

"I know you're wondering what's happening," she whispered to the audience. "But Bob and I have been having a fight over who should write the next disclaimer."

She reached over and dropped a mortar shell into a firing tube and a second later it launched with a muffled whump.

An explosion tore through the silence and then someone screamed.

"Yes!" she exalted.

"MOOOOO!"

"Oh no, he's catapulting cows again! Incoming!"

The airborne bovine crashed down next to Alyx, spraying her with mud and cow guts. She stared at the animal for a moment, then she reached for her pistol. "He's going to write that damn disclaimer or I'll pull his balls off and stir fry them," she growled.

In a flash she was up over the lip and running towards Bob's trench. He grinned at her madly and pointed to a sign behind him. She paused in bewilderment, then he turned on the huge sign. "You're in a Minefield!"

She looked around her and sure enough she spotted numerous triggers.

"Are you going to tell the people we don't own Harry Potter?" shouted Bob from his trench.

She shot him the birdie, then slowly turned around. "I don't have to," she called over her shoulder as she carefully retraced her steps.

"Why not?"

"Because you just did!"

Bob blinked and grimaced. Damn her! She did it to him again.

"This isn't over!"

"It is for this story," she called back smugly, then she rolled into her trench only to discover Bob had filled it with butterscotch pudding.

"Ohh pudding!" exclaimed Alyx.

"Enjoy the story folks," Bob muttered, before hunkering down for her counterattack.

* * *

**Black Manor in Wales, August 20th...**

Harry sat with Hermione, watching Luna and Bugger duel. He had decided that they were old enough to learn the basics and had been teaching them all summer. The manor was warded so they could do magic. Bugger didn't mind so long as at least one adult was present to make sure nothing went wrong.

Bugger turned to avoid a curse from Luna and he grinned at her. He had changed her outfit into a purple sundress with live sunflowers growing out of it and it didn't phase her in the least. He had been using the wand he had taken from Dumbledore, but he still hadn't gotten used to it.

He had sent a duplicate of the wand back to Dumbledore using the most round about international mail owl route he could come up with. It was a real wand crafted to look like the one Bugger had taken. Bugger just wanted to annoy the old man by keeping it. The fake arrived at Hogwarts, four weeks later, postage due and cost the old man over 200 galleons to get the wand back.

Bugger sent a chain of curses at Luna and she dove to the floor, as she fell she managed to cast a silent disarming curse and Bugger suddenly found himself wandless.

Luna hit the ground and cried out in pain. Harry was instantly on his feet and hurrying over to her. He stopped and knelt down and gently lifted her to a sitting position. She had hurt her wrist when she fell and it was already starting to swell.

Bugger hurried over to the trio. Harry had his hand over Luna's wrist. His eyes were partially closed and he was breathing hard. A soft glow surrounded Luna's wrist and the swelling started to lessen. A moment later and the injury was gone. Luna was flushed heavily and she stared at Harry with wide eyes. "You healed me."

"I won't let you get hurt," he replied firmly, then he looked at Hermione. "Either of you."

Bugger stood off to one side. Something important had happened, but he wasn't sure exactly what. The trio stared at each other for a long moment of silence and he looked away, embarrassed by the moment as if it were something intimate and personal.

Harry gently helped Luna stand and then he impulsively kissed her cheek causing her blush to deepen even more.

Hermione smiled at the pair, then held out Luna's wand. She had broken it in half when she fell.

"Oh drat," Luna murmured, eying the ruin of her wand.

Bugger reached down and scooped up his wand that she had taken from him. "Here, try this. It hasn't worked too well for me but if it works, you can keep it. I stole it from Dumbledore."

Luna took the wand and she could feel the power surge within her. "It's a good fit," she said softly.

Bugger smiled. "Good, how about a break? Maybe you guys can take a swim and I'll tell Dobby we'll eat out by the pool tonight."

The three kids nodded eagerly and went to go change into their swim suits. Luna and Hermione exchanged a serious look. Something important had happened and once they understood it, they'd explain it to Harry.

The Elder Wand had just been placed in the hands of Luna Lovegood. For a brief moment, the world shivered in fear.

**Wain Manor, the same day...**

Luna smiled to herself and waved the mirror off. She wanted Luna to have the wand because she knew she'd recognize it, and safeguard it. Sirius was just too unstable to be the wielder of that wand.

She also thought about what Harry had done. That was unexpected to say the least. It was obvious to her that the blocks on Harry's magic were starting to erode. Normally returning to the Dursleys would see the blocks renewed, but without those times, they were fading away.

The blocks had been placed on Harry by Dumbledore and were of a nature that they couldn't be dispelled without killing him. They had to fade away which would take a couple of years. It was one of the primary reasons why Dumbledore was so insistent that Harry return to Privet Drive.

The blocks really weren't there for any sinister reason. Dumbledore had placed them to reduce Harry's accidental magic to a minimum. Unfortunately somewhere along the way Dumbledore's reasoning changed and he kept the ward designed to reinforce the block in place at Privet Drive. Dumbledore seemed to think it was important to keep Harry's magic under strict controls.

Now the blocks were fading and he had pulled directly from his core to heal Luna. It was a massive feat of magic and also one that could lead to interesting times in the near future. What had happened was similar to the most basic bonding rituals. They hadn't bonded, but Luna had tasted Harry's pure magic and she couldn't help but want to do it again.

Luna turned away from the mirror thinking hard. Had she only used her mirror later that night would have seen Harry sitting with his girls, holding hands and all three were glowing slightly.

Luna decided the trio would bear more scrutiny. She would watch them carefully this year.

**The Evil Secret Lair of Voldemort's Minions, August 29th...**

Peter Pettigrew stepped up to the table and looked out towards the seats in the large hall. Barty Crouch Jr. sat attentively at a seat in the front row. Behind him and to both sides were 799 empty seats. Even in Voldemort's heyday they never managed to fill more than 50 seats, but Voldemort insisted on the extra chairs in case they attracted more followers.

"Ahem," Peter said shyly, then he smiled. "Hello everyone, I'd like to thank you all for turning out for our annual meeting. I know it's been a bit difficult for all of us in the last few years and our numbers have dwindled. But we shall make a come back! We may be down, but we're not beaten! Oh and before I forget, there'll be tea and cookies after the meeting, so don't miss out!"

"Pettigrew you idiot, it's just the two of us," Crouch snarled, then he barked, twice. Apparently spending a number of years in Azkaban followed by being under the Imperius curse for years has an effect on people.

Crouch's barking had become the point of a betting pool at Hogwarts. Currently Lee Jordan led the pool with a guess of 45 barks in the span of a single class.

Peter looked taken aback and he tried to smile consolingly. "Now now Barty, I realize our numbers are down at the moment, but it's only a temporary setback, nothing more. Besides, if you let me finish this, we'll be able to get to those cookies, I baked them myself!"

"Bloody, idiot, why would I get rescued and end up owing a life debt to him is beyond me, but still, cookies and tea is a very pleasant way to pass the time," Barty mumbled, then he motioned for Peter to continue. "I do so hope he made his lemon sugar cookies, I always liked those!"

Peter nodded and he picked up a piece of paper. "Before we can begin new business, we must conclude the old business. I'd read last years minutes, but we were all too busy hiding to have a meeting. So instead I'm going to read the minutes from our last official meeting."

He looked up and saw there was no objection in the crowd, then he glanced down at the paper.

"The proceeds from the Ladies Auxiliary Death Eater Bake sale went well and we raised over 500 galleons from the cakes alone. The door to door sales girls managed to steal and or extort another 500 galleons. Said monies have been deposited in our main account.

"Additionally this year the ladies successfully kidnapped four daughters of blood traitors, all of whom were sold on the black market for a nice return on our investment."

"Cornelius Fudge's twin brother, Wheatilius Fudge, put forth a motion to get the Master a Bunny rabbit as a familiar. He cited allergies and an intense dislike of snakes as the reason. The Master killed him on the spot and his motion failed to obtain any seconds.

"The Master then put forth a motion that Wheatilius Fudge's brother should be elected minister on the grounds of anyone related to Wheatilius has to be a moron and would make an excellent puppet. The motion was immediately seconded by all hands present and voted up. Lucius Malfoy was put in charge of the puppet."

Peter looked up from reading the minutes from a meeting more than 10 years ago. "Do I have a motion to approve the minutes as they stand?"

Barty looked around nervously for a moment then his hand shot up. He couldn't help himself, he had never put forth a motion before and he got caught up in the moment.

"I have a motion to approve, any seconds?" Peter said, then he raised his own hand and smiled broadly.

"The motion is seconded, all in favor?"

"Aye," intoned both Peter and Barty.

Peter smiled broadly. "Now that old business is complete, we'll start with new business and talk about our diabolical plans to revive our Beloved Master. After that we'll talk about our plans for a new membership drive, we still have some wonderful toasters to give away to successful members that bring us some new recruits!"

_I could use a new toaster,_ mused Barty.

**Wain Manor, August 29th...**

Luna turned away from the mirror and looked at Harry. "I am so totally embarrassed. I mean I'm a pureblood. We're raised to think we're superior, but but but... that!" she exclaimed. "Those idiots! Those morons!"

"No really, tell us how you feel. Mind you love. While I gave Peter the plans and told him to get Barty, the rest was all pure Death Eater," he replied smugly.

Luna buried her face in her hands. "I'm so embarrassed. These are the people that nearly conquered us? What does that say about us?"

Harry grinned. "It says you can't tell an idiot before you elect one to Minister."

She looked up and glared at him. "You're not helping."

He shrugged. "I'm not trying to be love. Look at it from my perspective, for thousands of universes I've heard from you just how wonderful and good the wizarding world was if you could just ignore the ugly, nasty parts. I tried to tell you that some things can't be ignored. The morons back there nearly took over the world because Wizards have forgotten how to grow."

"You may not be a pure blood Harry, but you're magical just like me," she reminded him.

He nodded. "I am and your right, but our kids will be raised to question and think. Who knows, maybe we'll start a trend and you came away today a little sadder and a whole lot wiser."

She nodded and waved her hand causing the mirror to switch scenes. She really didn't need to be reminded of that.

**Hogwarts Great Hall, October 30th...**

Alastor Moody slipped into the room and looked around with his eye. The pervert that was Barty Crouch Jr, who hadn't been with a woman in 14 years hated this job. All the girls and women whose clothes he could see through and he didn't dare mess up the plan!

And Snape! Every time he went near the man his nostrils would flair. Barty could swear the man was smelling the Polyjuice potion on him!

Seeing the hall was empty except for the goblet he crept closer. He had a plan to deal with the goblet so that he, Barty Crouch Jr would be responsible for delivering the Master's enemy to the Master.

He stepped up to the Goblet and pulled out his wand.

"Confundo!" he intoned wanting the Potter brat to be picked.

Suddenly he heard a noise behind him and he dove under a table.

He cringed, coming up the aisle between the tables was Dumbledore. The old man looked around warily then he stepped up to the goblet.

"Confundo!" intoned Dumbledore, concentrating on forcing Harry into the tournament.

The door to the hall opened again and Dumbledore scurried under the same table as Moody.

Igor Karkarov stepped up to the Goblet while Moody and Dumbledore stared at each other in astonishment.

"Confundo!" he cast, intent on trying to make the goblet pick his candidate rather than a random selection from his school. Krum will compete for the greater glory of the Fatherland!

A noise signaled another entering the Hall.

Snape came up to where the Goblet lay and paused. Karkarov, Dumbledore and Moody looked at him from under the table. Moody climbed out from under the table. "I was just checking to see if the tables were secure! CONSTANT VIRULANCE!"

Severus blinked and watched the man scurry out of the Hall.

Dumbledore slowly climbed out from under the table and looked at his professor. "I just wanted to make sure the under sides of the tables were free from gum. Alas, it's a terrible situation and I intend to bring it up at the next staff meeting."

Severus shook his head and turned to Karkarov who was still under the table.

"Igor?"

"Da?"

"What are you doing?"

"Me? Why nothing!"

"Then why are you under a table?"

"Oh so I'm under a table and now I bet you intend to accuse me of cheating somehow! I vill not stand for dis!"

Snape blinked as Karkarov climbed out from under the table with dignity and walked from the room with his back stiff.

Snape watched him go, then he looked around one more time before leaving the room.

When the hall finally emptied another pair of voices was heard.

"Fred?"

"Yes o'brother of mine?"

"I'm not so sure this was a smart idea. I mean all those confundus spells and plus our transfiguration spell? The Goblet could end up spitting out alligators!" replied George.

"Yeah, let's get out of here before anyone finds out we've cast a spell on the Goblet as well."

**Hogwarts Great Hall, October 31st...**

"Excellent!" Dumbledore called happily as at last the tumult died down. "Well, we now have our three champions. I am sure I can count upon all of you, including the remaining students from Beauxbatons and Durmstrang, to give your champions every ounce of support you can muster. By cheering your champion on, you will contribute in a very real -"

But Dumbledore suddenly stopped speaking, and it was apparent to everybody what had distracted him.

The fire in the goblet had just turned red again. Sparks were flying out of it. A long flame shot suddenly into the air, and borne upon it was another piece of parchment.

Everything froze and Harry looked around in confusion. He could see Dumbledore reaching for the parchment, he could see the frozen expressions on the faces of nearly everyone around him and he was more than a little frightened. "What's happening," he breathed.

"I'm not sure," Hermione said in a shocked whisper.

Harry turned to Hermione, relieved to note he wasn't the only one in this strange state.

"I think we have a visitor," Luna murmured, then she pointed to the glowing figure lazily flapping her wings nearby.

"An angel," Hermione said with a gasp. The figure was encased in a blinding white light, but you could make out her form and her eyes which were a startling gray.

Harry stood and took a step forward protecting his girls.

"Do not be afraid," the Angel said softly.

"What do you want?"

"I am here to warn you Harry Potter. The name on that piece of paper is yours. Through no fault of your own you will be forced into this contest against your will. I have been sent to tell you no harm will befall you at all in this event. He watches over you and yours and He won't allow any harm to come to any of you."

"Wait," Hermione said, rubbing her temples. "Harry's been entered into this contest and you're telling us that God himself won't allow any harm to befall him."

She paused and looked a little awed. "Harry is God's chosen?"

The angel smiled gently and nodded. "All are God's chosen, but some are chosen for greater things than others."

Luna shrugged. "If he's good enough for you and me Hermione, then I think he's good enough for God."

"Luna!" hissed Hermione. She didn't want her friend to upset a messenger of God!

Luna shrugged and the Angel watched the interplay between the two girls with a smile.

Harry shook his head and looked back to the angel. "Why me? What did I do to deserve this?"

The Angel moved a little closer, she then reached out and caressed his cheek. "Gentle Harry, you were born to do great things, but some people interfered in that. For the past few years I have watched over you and made some corrections to your life."

His eyes widened. "You!" he exclaimed. "You were the reason why the Dursleys stopped hitting me?"

Both girls turned to stare at Harry in horror and he suddenly looked down at his feet. He had not told them about his time with the Dursleys.

The angel caressed his cheek again and little Luna suddenly narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

"I am your guardian angel Harry. It is my job to see that you are protected. The Dursleys were easy to influence until I could move you from that house. I regret I could not stop them from entering you in this contest, but I can keep you safe while you're in it. Understand my words. _Nothing can harm you while you're performing a task. Nothing. _If you want to be angry with the people that forced you into the contest then do so.

"He told me to tell you that nothing you do will be held against you this year. He asks that you don't injure any students, but the adults by forcing you to compete are all going to pay for their sins. Just remember to rely on your friends for their strength. You will need their support this year more than any other."

Harry slumped back onto the bench and nodded slowly. Luna looked between the angel and Harry and finally decided that Harry needed him more than her outlandish speculations about this 'angel'. She thought it unusual that the Angel caressed Harry just the same way she did.

"Will we see you again?" asked Hermione. The appearance of an Angel to pass a message to Harry, her Harry left her a bit awestruck.

The angel smiled at her and moved a little closer. "Sweet girl," the angel said softly, "if this year goes as it should you will have no need of me, but who can tell. Only He sees what will be. I will always be watching you three. You two girls mean much to Harry even if he hasn't learned how to say it yet."

Hermione smiled shyly at the Angel, then turned to Harry who sat trembling slightly. Luna was already cuddling up against him.

The Angel faded from view and suddenly everything rushed back into motion.

Automatically, it seemed, Dumbledore reached out a long hand and seized the parchment. He held it out and stared at the name written upon it. There was a long pause, during which Dumbledore stared at the slip in his hands, and everyone in the room stared at Dumbledore. And then Dumbledore cleared his throat and read out - "Harry Potter."

Dumbledore gloated inwardly! _Finally!_ He thought, _something has finally gone the way it should! Now I can use the second task to arrange for Harry to lose his followers._

**Hogwarts Great Hall, after the crowds have left...**

Argus Filch moved the large cart up to the Goblet fully intending to move the Goblet back to its resting spot like Dumbledore ordered.

He placed the heavy Goblet on the cart when it suddenly rumbled and shook violently.

Filch backed away from the Goblet in fear as the Twins Transfiguration spell finally kicked in. It was supposed to alter the names on any parchment inside the Goblet. But the twins hadn't countered on three very powerful Confundus spells.

Filch screamed as the first alligator climbed out of the goblet. Considering there were hundreds of pieces of parchment from centuries of use, there were a lot of alligators waiting for their turn to escape.

**Wain Manor, November 20th...**

Luna entered the room and sat down. A moment later a tea service appeared in front of her. On the tray was a package of her favorite cookies, double stuffed fudge Oreos and a box of Animal Crackers.

Harry rushed into the room. "Did I miss anything?"

"Not really," she replied, pouring herself a cup of tea.

"Cedric just finished the task and we're waiting on his score, then it's Harry's turn."

Luna sighed and he turned to her. "What's wrong love?"

"It's been a rather bad time for Harry. If it weren't for Luna and Hermione I think he would have cracked. As it stands he's getting depressed and I'm worried Harry. He's several times gone to bed and prayed for this to all end."

Harry nodded, his demeanor turning serious. "It's a shame one or both of the girls couldn't join him at night, but their too young for that activity just yet. I spoke to Bugger about it and explained what he needed to do so that there's no repeat of this ever again. He's making all the arrangements even as we speak.

"He's also been in touch with Harry helping him formulate his plan."

"Yes but what can we do to help him now?"

Harry paused and looked at her. "Luna, I am helping him now," he said carefully.

She grimaced at him, she could feel his magic flowing out around him and knew he was boosting and protecting Harry even from here. "You know what I mean!"

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair messing it more than usual. "Do you want to talk to him? Or maybe me?"

She sighed and shook her head. They both knew he couldn't talk to Harry and she shouldn't unless absolutely necessary.

Finally she decided, "I'll keep a close eye on him. If necessary I'll figure out some way to lighten his mood."

Harry nodded unhappily, they knew this was a risk for little Harry, this was the first year where he had really faced anything like Harry's past.

"Here he comes now," Luna said, nudging him, then she absently peeled a cookie apart and slowly licked off the fudge before placing the cookies aside for later. Harry watched her licking the cookies and shivered a little with desire. Finally he tore his eyes away from the sight and concentrated on the mirror.

"_Harry Potter!" called Ludo Bagman._

_Harry stepped from the tent and pulled out his wand. "Accio Firebolt!" he called, then he waited. While he waited he produced a large poster from under his robes which he held up to the crowd._

"_The young Mister Potter is trying to tell us something," Bagman said to the crowd._

_The crowd stared at the poster in confusion. They clearly didn't understand what "UP YOURS!" meant. Harry flicked his wand and the poster changed to "SCREW YOU!" which only increased their confusion. _

"_What's a screw?" asked Ludo._

_In the stands, here and there, the few muggle born students and visitors were laughing and refusing to explain to their counterparts. Harry flicked his wand and the poster flew to a wall, enlarged and stuck fast against it._

_Harry turned and flicked his wand at the poster changing it to "DICK HEADS!"_

"_Mister Potter has summoned his broom, what a nice piece of spell work!"_

_Shaking his head, he turned his attention to his quickly approaching Firebolt._

"_Does anyone understand the sign? Who is Dick Head?" complained Bagman._

_The broom came to a halt at Harry's side and he smiled. It wasn't his normal broom, no this one had been modified by Bugger. The tip had been reinforced with a metal cap that ended in a bayonet. He had also added high powered strobe lights to the front and back of the broom as well a special shield spell Harry could invoke while flying. _

_Harry mounted his broom, then he flicked his wand one last time at the huge poster, then he shot skywards._

_He laughed when he heard Bagman ask, "What does Duck and Cover mean?"_

_Harry came into the arena at high speed and he activated his forward strobe light. The dragon reared back and roared at the painfully blinding light. The stand of Judges, press and VIP Visitors blinked and cringed under the intense glare. They couldn't see a thing!_

_According to Bugger the strobe light was capable of pulsing out 10 million foot candles per square inch, 20 times a minute. Bugger didn't know what a foot candle was and couldn't imagine why a muggle would put a candle on his feet, but it sounded impressive._

_Harry laughed and waved to his girls who were sitting among the students with along Bugger and Helga, all four wore sunglasses._

_The Horntail strained against her chains until one link snapped. She roared again and hurled herself into the air, trying to give chase to Harry. He spotted the dragon and zipped low over the judge's seats as he barrel rolled out of the arena._

_The dragon roared again, following closely. Her tail whipped wildly and it struck Igor Karkarov as she flew by. Igor slumped unconscious in his seat and wouldn't wake for a few minutes._

"_I hope this works," Harry muttered as he came to a hover. He slowly moved, positioning himself just right. _

_The dragon flew up to him and took a deep breath. Harry cringed as he saw the flames shoot towards him. He blinked. He felt no pain, no burning, no itching sensation. Nothing!_

_Below him he heard shouts as the carriage from Beauxbatons began to burn intensely."Next time they'll install fire extinguishers like the Fire Brigade suggests," Harry turned his broom actively seeking his target this time._

_Grinning like mad Harry shot straight for the dragon and smashed into it's nose with his bayonet. The dragon reared back and roared in pain while Harry flew away. As he flew he carefully tried to scrape the dragon blood into a container for his girls. They would like it for potions he thought to himself._

_He dove for the ground and leveled out just a few feet above it, the dragon hot on his tail. He saw the lake in the distance and he raised his altitude just enough to clear the deck of the Durmstrang ship. The dragon wasn't so lucky and immediately fouled herself in the rigging. She crashed to the deck and the ship heeled over to one side. The dragon flamed in every direction trying to break free. When she finally managed to break free the ship was on fire from bow to stern and low in the water. She was sinking fast and this time it wasn't magic doing the sinking._

_Harry turned and headed back towards the castle, this time coming to a hover over one tower while he waited for the dragon to catch up. _

_When the dragon arrived he zipped away just in time to avoid getting hit by the flames. The dragon flew in pursuit leaving Gryffindor tower burning merrily._

_Harry watched the dragon carefully, he had managed to enrage it beyond all reason. Climbing sharply on his broom he glanced one more time at the dragon, then for a lark he hissed at the dragon._

"_Your mother was a lizard!" he hissed in parseltongue._

_The dragon bellowed in rage, Harry could literally see flames leaking from the gaps between scales on its neck. Who knew dragons understood parseltongue? _

_The dragon flapped her wings furiously and Harry grinned, then dove straight down with the dragon right behind him. He laughed seeing all those important VIP visitors and press staring up at him and pointing. They read his sign, why hadn't they done what it said?_

_He pushed the broom to full speed and the dragon flapped several times before closing its wings and letting gravity add to it's speed. _

_Harry shouted with joy over the sheer excitement he felt. Just a mere ten feet above the stands he pulled up and shot away horizontal to the stands. He glanced over his shoulder as the dragon looked at him with bulging eyes, she was clearly calling him a bastard. She knew she was doomed, there wasn't enough room for her to pull up! Wronski, eat your heart out!_

_With a strangled roar she plunged into the stands containing the press and VIP visitors and exploded in a ball of flame. He glanced back and mused, so that's what VIP stands for, Very Incinerated People._

_He swooped past the nest of eggs and grabbed his golden egg before zipping away, just feet ahead of the burning debris raining down on the arena. People ran screaming in every direction._

_He tried not to smirk when he spotted the six foot long beam of wood impale the Durmstrang Headmaster. The Durmstrang headmaster woke from his little nap just in time to realize that something bad was coming straight at him. "At least he won't be able to call me names anymore," Harry muttered._

_Harry slowed his broom and came to a stop, then slowly made his way back into the arena. He waved to Luna and Hermione who looked a bit put out with his performance. Bugger was on his feet cheering loudly. He was the only person cheering and he was hard to hear over the cries of pain._

_As Aurors streamed into the arena trying to help the injured Harry flicked his wand at the sign which changed to read Potter 1, Tournament 0._

Luna sat back in satisfaction, "Well it's a shame about the dragon, but he made it out in one piece and seemed to enjoy himself in the process."

Harry reached into his box of animal crackers and pulled out a hippo. "I wish we could record these things, I wouldn't mind watching that again. The look on Karkarov's face was classic when he saw the beam coming his way. Or did you see Dumbledore, scuttling for cover and trying to put out a fire in his beard?"

Luna laughed and pulled the hippo from his hand and ate it. "Hey!" he protested.

**Dumbledore's office, Hogwarts...**

Albus leaned his elbows on his new, all metal desk and rubbed at his forehead tiredly. Headmaster Karkarov was dead, so deputy headmistress Ivanna Eurkov sat in for him. Madam Maxime had been released from the infirmary in time to attend this meeting.

His head pounded. Twelve reporters and eighteen prominent members of Wizarding Society snuffed out by one careless student. A dragon dead and both the ship used by Durmstrang and the carriage used by Beauxbatons burned beyond repair. He had no choice but to house the two schools inside the Great Hall while they tried to find alternative arrangements for them.

The door opened and Harry Potter entered followed by Lord Black and an unknown man. Dumbledore scowled, he had sent for Harry and was shocked to see Black here.

"Ah Harry, I was expecting you to come alone."

Harry shrugged at the man. He had refused to speak to him at all since he had been made to compete in the tournament. Lord Black gestured to Harry who nodded and took a seat, then Lord Black turned to Dumbledore, "What's this all about Dumbledore?"

Albus blinked at the man. "My good fellow, we have more than two dozen people dead, over one hundred injured and you need to ask what the problem is? Your ward."

"Did nothing for which he can be held accountable Dumbledore," spoke the unknown man.

Dumbledore scowled. "I'm sorry but you are?"

The man smiled at him.

"Dumbledore, I don't believe you've met my solicitor, Addison Waverly of Waverly, Smithers and Kent. They represented me in my recent legal actions against the Ministry. I asked Addison to attend today's event and to do some background research on the tournament for me."

Dumbledore's expression fell.

"Oh," he said hesitantly, "we would welcome your opinion."

Addison smirked at him. "I'm afraid my client's ward is entirely blameless in this affair. Point in fact, in 1534 the ministry's involved passed a law exempting a contestant from any civil or criminal culpability for the duration of the tournament. Then in a referendum, passed July 16, 1684, the ministry's agreed that it's impossible to change any tournament rules while the tournament is in progress.

"This isn't the first time there were fatalities among the spectators. In 1707 a Griffon was used by the organizing committee. No one knew the poor beast had been infected with drabies. It went on a rampage and ate 52 spectators. The worst tournament disaster occurred here at Hogwarts in 1842 and resulted in 102 deaths when a dragon broke loose and attacked the stands.

"So I'm quite afraid that Mister Potter cannot be held accountable for any damages, injuries or other problems."

Dumbledore sat dismayed and stared at the man.

"This is unacceptable!" shouted Eurkov. "Dumbledore! Our ship has been sunk by your student!"

"Who you forced to be in this tournament," countered Addison. "You could have opted to call the first selection a draw and reenter the names. But you chose to make him compete. The blame for today's deaths and damage lie at your feet, not at my client's ward."

Eurkov glowered at the man, her boss was dead, and their way home gone.

"I vill protest dis to my ministry!" she declared loftily.

Addison waved a hand dismissing her complaint. "Go right ahead, they'll only tell you what I told you. Your Headmaster agreed to allow his school to participate. My client cannot be held accountable for the results from decision."

Dumbledore turned to Harry. "You are awful quiet Harry, I suppose you are feeling remorse for all those poor people that died today?"

Harry looked up and he smiled widely at the old man. "Actually since the first task was so much fun I'm hoping we can hurry up and get to the second task. This tournament is turning out to be a lot more fun than I thought it would be!"

"But Harry, what about those people that died?" Dumbledore asked.

Harry shrugged. "I didn't want to be in this lunacy, they didn't want to die. Looks like we both got shafted, but its not my problem. In fact, it's your fault. Murderer! How can you sleep at night? I think you're going to go to hell for what you've done!"

Bugger shot him a wide grin and nodded.

Harry's expression turned feral. "I think with the next task I'll see how many of the staff I can involve. Its just a shame that the dragon wasn't big enough. I thought about aiming for the judges, but I decided the press would be a better target."

"Non!" exclaimed Maxime. "Dis child iz inzane! Dis iz your fault Dumblydore!"

Dumbledore scowled, he was about to speak again when the door opened and McGonagall stepped in.

Albus shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Yes Professor McGonagall?"

She made a mistake. She glanced at the man. The huge sign appeared over Dumbledore's head proclaiming his scar to be a Horcrux. McGonagall shuddered and took on an expression of intense disgust. She still hadn't found out what a Horcrux really was, so Luna had arranged for a book to fall into her hands which described a Horcrux.

The book, which appeared to be something out of the Ming Dynasty, described a Horcrux as a person that practiced self genital transfiguration all for the purposes of self gratification. The book included a number of disturbing images that made Malfoy's appendage appear limp and unwieldy.

Turning so she was actually looking at the wall, she spoke. "I'm just here to tell you that the fire in the Gryffindor tower is finally out, but I'm afraid it's a ruin. I asked the elves to move the student's belongings but the fifth, sixth and seventh years lost theirs in the fire."

Dumbledore sighed heavily and nodded. "We'll contact the families Professor and see about getting replacement clothing and books for the students," he said finally. "As to where we house our students, we are very hard pressed for space at the moment with the Durmstang and Beauxbatons students and staff also needing room. Perhaps we can rent..."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you old bean," Bugger said with a vicious grin.

Dumbledore blinked at him. "Why ever not?"

"For one thing you're going to need all the money you can scrape together for your defense. Addison?" replied Bugger.

Addison stepped forward and pulled out a thick scroll from his robes. "While the law clearly protects the contestants from legal liability, it does nothing for the organizers of the tournament. And when you factor in the fact that you and the other organizers forced my client's ward into the tournament illegally. Well the grounds for a massive lawsuit with a devastating cash settlement are enough to make me quiver in anticipation."

"Oh bugger," muttered Dumbledore.

"Yes?" Bugger asked.

Harry snickered in his chair, this was almost as good as the telly!

**Wain Manor, that evening...**

"_Harry we need to talk," Hermione said firmly._

_He looked up warily. Luna and Hermione stood there with serious expressions on their faces. Both girls had avoided him except for a brief visit after the task to make sure he was in good shape and not injured._

_He nodded and closed the book. He had suspected this was going to happen sooner or later._

"_I'm sorry," he whispered. _

_Luna blinked and shook her head. "No no. Hermione, look what you've done! You've made him think we're angry with him."_

_Luna moved Hermione to one side and plopped down a book in front of Harry, then she opened it to page 2467. Harry glanced down at the animated illustration and then he looked away. He didn't need to see this tonight!_

"_Harry we're not angry at you," Luna said gently. "But do you see this?"_

_She stabbed her finger against the illustration and the three people in the picture turned and looked angrily at her before returning to their task._

_Hermione sat down next to Harry and leaned against him._

"_I see it," he said a bit reluctantly. He was very aware of how well his girls were developing and was struggling to resist the temptation that their relationship brought._

"_Harry, we want to be able to do this, with you. How can we if you will risk yourself like you did today?"_

_He glanced to Hermione and she nodded at him. "At first I thought that bringing Luna in was just to protect her." Hermione offered, then she smiled. "But as weird as it was at first, it seemed to become more comfortable and natural as time went on."_

_Hermione took a breath and looked at Harry. "And then she told me that its legal in our world."_

_He shook his head and put his hand against his temple. "Wait, what's legal in our world?"_

"_Multiple marriages is not uncommon Harry," Luna said softly. "There aren't a lot of wizards and the mix of men to women varies a lot. We've adapted to that variation so that there are always children being born. Right now there are more women than men in our society, fifty years ago, it was the other way around."_

_Harry looked a little panicked. "You're talking about marriage!"_

_Hermione huffed. "Honestly Harry, its not like we're talking about it happening tomorrow, we're talking years from now. But the whole point of this conversation is that that can't happen if you kill yourself flying like a madman on a broom."_

_Harry looked down and he tried to wipe a tear on his sleeve. Both girls caught his action and pressed against him. Since the beginning he had had difficulties understanding that both girls wanted him. As much as they told him, he still didn't believe he could be so lucky. And he felt he was unworthy of such love._

"_Harry," Luna said softly. "We know what your thinking. That you aren't good enough."_

_He nodded and sniffed slightly. She reached out and cupped his chin, gently turning his head to look into his eyes._

"_Someday after we leave this place, you, me and Hermione are going to make a family. I can't speak for Hermione but I want to have a couple of girls and I want you to give them to me," she said, staring into his eyes deeply, as if commanding him to believe her words._

_He glanced over at Hermione who was blushing heavily, but she nodded in agreement with Luna._

Big Luna looked away from the mirror with a broad smile. She didn't think she'd have to intervene to help Harry with his depression. His girls were going to do that for her.

"What's got you smiling so broadly?" Harry asked from the doorway.

She nodded towards the mirror where Harry sat with his girls having an intense discussion. "It looks like Harry isn't going to need our help with his depression after all."

Harry sat down next to her and swiped a cookie from her plate. "Oh?"

"The girls explained their long term goals to him. It wasn't easy but they managed to get him to hear them. We both know it will still be a while before he truly believes it, but the girls will be persistent," Luna replied happily. "In the meantime that particular issue will keep him occupied and too busy to worry about other things."

Harry grunted at her and took a bite from the cookie.

"So what have you been up to?" she asked.

"I've been thinking, about a bunch of things really," he replied evasively.

"Harry," she chided. She hated having to pull answers from him.

He winced. "Well it's been a while since we played with Snape. I mean I stopped using Fritz on him and he's been getting back into teaching potions and amazingly he's improved his teaching method somewhat."

Luna nodded. "Yes I noticed that as well. But is it a good thing to keep attacking him?"

He smirked at her.

"What?" she exclaimed.

"Who arranged for McGonagall to enter Ron's dorm while he was undressed? Who arranged for him to run from the showers naked because he thought he saw a spider? Who made him trip on the stairs knocking six other students down? Who caused his broom to crash?"

"Oh all right I get the point!" she declared unhappily. Couldn't he understand that she was merely playing?

"So what have you planned for Snape?" she asked.

Harry grinned. "Snape needs a date to the ball, and Madam Pomfrey is getting on in years. So I had Bugger make some arrangements via St. Mungos and the Board of Governors. Come just before Christmas she'll have a new assistant."

Luna eyed him with narrowing eyes. "And do I know this assistant?"

He grinned smugly. "Mistress Natasha wanted to learn more about healing so she could become a better addiction specialist."

Luna chuckled and shook her head. "You are so evil."

"I know," came the smug reply.

**Headmaster's Office, Hogwarts, January 1st...**

"Cast Access Lords of Light Forums Dot Wiz User Albie Pass Spongebob Invoke!"

_To: All membership_

_Subject: Legal Advice Needed!_

_Friends, _

_I find myself in a bit of a pickle and I'm uncertain where to turn. My latest project for the Greater Good seemed to start off so well when my tool was entered into the tournament. Unfortunately the tool has acquired some powerful supporters, including one who is threatening both me and the school with a disastrous lawsuit._

_I seem to recall one of our members being part of a Law firm, but I can't remember who. If you are that person, I would greatly appreciate if you could recommend a firm in my area which is accustomed to dealing with Greater Good Issues and Light Lords. Some experience with Goblins would also be a plus since they are getting involved and talking about taking ritual hostages._

_The school has its own legal council but I find myself without one and the Board seems to be doing everything they can to separate their suit and mine._

_Thanks in advance,_

_Albus the Magnificent._

_Tag: Merlin eat your heart out. I'm stronger and look better in a thong!_

_To Albus the Magnificent_

_Subject: (re) Legal Advice Needed!_

_Albus,_

_The member in question was booted when it became apparent he was a lawyer. It's common knowledge that no lawyer is capable of working for the common good let alone the Greater Good._

_There are a number of law firms in your area, but most seem to concentrate on defending Dark Lords and dealing with the Big Evil instead of the rarer Greater Good. I would suggest that you lower your standards slightly and try one of the neutral law firms. _

_There is one on Diagon Alley who's motto is "Its Okay to be Gray." Maybe they can help. Look them up in your floo directory._

_Good Luck,_

_Bruce, your humble admin._

_Tag: I admin for the Greater Good._

_To: All membership_

_Subject: Earn Big Bucks while defending the world!_

_You too can earn big money in your spare time with this simple, but highly effective marketing scheme designed to help you and advance your goals as a Lord of the Light. _

_Reply now to find out how and start your way to financial success!_

_Happily Rich!_

_Robbie_

_Tag: Turn your desire to help into a way of earning cash now!_

_To: Robbie_

_Subject: Your post to the list._

_Dude, _

_I've warned you, I've told you not to post this crap. _

_I've had it!_

_You are history, I'm deleting your account and taking down the photos you've been trying to sell online. _

_Bruce, your humble admin._

_Tag: I admin for the Greater Good._

**The Second Task, Mid February...**

Harry looked up and nodded to Madam Pomfrey in thanks for healing his hands. He had broken both of them when Dumbledore announced that he had used both of his girls as hostages for this task. And while Harry had broken some bones, Dumbledore had a great many broken bones that Madam Pomfrey was just getting around to working on now.

Snape had tried to interfere, but one sharp word from Mistress Natasha had him spread against a tree trunk, his pants down around his knees. "Mistress command me!" he shouted.

Harry wasn't surprised that no one had tried to stop him from pummeling Dumbledore, in fact he heard Bugger and Helga in the stands cheering him on. The simple fact was that Dumbledore had not made many friends in recent months.

Natasha winked at Harry and turned back to attend her toy. Strangely people felt the need to flee the area rather than aid Snape or at least witness the public session.

"Mister Potter, if you're done, need I remind you that the clock is ticking?" shouted Ludo Bagman.

Harry nodded and summoned a bag to him. Inside the bag were three sets of waders, some rope and a walking stick. Hermione and Luna had put together bag and gave it to Harry. They also told him that there was a spell written down on some parchment in the bag.

He had studied the spell and had it memorized, but Hermione had insisted he bring it along just in case.

Hermione gave him the spell a week earlier in the Ravenclaw common room, "The angel sent it to me," she confided. He glanced over to Luna who had her own suspicions about the Angel, but she couldn't be angry with the being. After all if she was right, then she was being angry with herself. Just thinking about it made her feel queasy. She smiled encouragingly to Harry and he took the parchment and began to study the spell.

He pulled on a set of the waders, then lifted the bag and placed it over his shoulder. He grinned smugly at Bugger and Helga who sat in the stand farthest away from the lake. Both were wearing muggle life jackets, Bugger, ever the child, had already activated the small attached strobe light.

Grabbing his wand he stared intently at the lake, gathering his power around him.

Slowly he concentrated his power. The air around him began to warp and people rushed to move away from him. Madam Pomfrey glanced up from working on Dumbledore and grimaced, her spell had just failed due to Harry's magic smothering all other magic around him.

She glanced down at the semi-conscious Dumbledore, then muttered, "I don't get paid enough for this," she exclaimed then she hiked up her skirt and ran for the castle, leaving Dumbledore moaning on the dock.

Harry smirked at the prone headmaster then he lifted his wand.

"Artpay esethay atersway," he intoned in a loud voice.

Sometimes it pays to have a Deity on your side. Moses learned that when he parted the Red Sea. Harry Potter learned that when he drained Black Lake in the same manner. Moses however had plenty of room to work with. Harry didn't, so the water formed up into two huge tidal waves and flowed away from the lake bed. One tidal wave went in the direction of Hogsmeade, and the other flowed up and over the stands heading towards Hogwarts.

But Harry was too busy to notice. He was slowly plodding his way through the mud towards his girls, cursing and swearing at Dumbledore all the way. He passed a stunned Krum with his partial shark transfiguration and smirked. "Pretty useless transfiguration if it requires water," he muttered.

Up on the shore the students looked up in bewilderment as the shield cast by Harry Nargle protected them. No such shield existed for the Staff, Visitors, VIP and Press stands. The staff and few press attending would be found alive, miles away, usually stuck up in a tree and sporting more than a few broken bones.

Bugger and Helga found themselves sitting on top of the astronomy tower thanks to Luna Snorkack. And while it was a very dry position it also gave them a perfect view of the tidal wave hitting Hogwarts.

Sybil Trelawney slid across the rapidly tilting floor as the water seven stories below undermined the foundation beneath her tower. She moaned in fear and thought, _I just knew today was going to be a bad day!_

It was her last thought as she was crushed under the weight of her desk and then buried under tons of rubble when the tower fell to the ground.

Back at the Hogwarts mud hole, Harry continued his trek deeper into the hole. He passed a hysterical Veela who had been captured by the giant squid. Now said squid clung to the Veela in terror as it lay in a puddle barely deep enough to cover it.

He sighed and pulled out his wand, casting a low power stinging hex at the squid. He really didn't want to hurt the animal. The squid dropped it's burden into the small pool of water it was in, then it resorted to one of its instinctual activities and it released a stream of slimey ink at the Veela.

Harry shook his head and continued to walk deeper into the huge hole that was dotted with knee deep puddles. "Dumb veela is upset about some ink! Some people have no sense of priorities," he said to himself.

The one kilometer distance between the lake and Hogsmeade meant that the tidal wave on that side had been reduced down to a mere 40 meter foot high wave when it struck.

Aberforth Dumbledore was sweeping in front of his tavern when he first heard the distant rumbling. He turned and looked at what appeared to be an impossibility. A wall of water was rushing towards him at jet aircraft speeds.

"Albus you bastard, this is somehow your fault I know it!" he muttered just as the water hit him. It was his last conscious thought until he woke up five days later. He had been found straddling a tree limb nearly a kilometer away from town on the other side of the town. When the healer told him he had lost his ability to father children he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. At 157 years of age, he freely admitted to himself he didn't even remember how to father children so what did it matter?

The Three Broomsticks was totally destroyed in the wave, although some survivors jokingly called what was left, the Three Matchsticks.

The sole surviving member of the town council offered a 100 galleon reward for anyone that brings him Albus Dumbledore's beard. He specifically stated said beard must have been torn from Dumbledore's face.

Back in the Black Mud Hole, formerly Black Lake, Harry figured he was approaching his destination considering the number of Merpeople who were flopping around. He spotted Cedric Diggory not to far away sitting on a rock. The boy appeared to be dazed and disoriented and Harry assumed that he had hit his head if the knot on his forehead was anything to go by.

He was also naked, which Harry didn't understand at all, but he was a Hufflepuff, and they were known for being a bit weird.

Coming up on the town of Merpeople he noted a large number of them trying to fit into a small pool of water and realized that he wouldn't have to worry about them. In the center of town he found the hostages.

He quickly released Hermione and Luna and discovered the wonder of wet girls in their nighties. The resulting blood flow problems greatly eased the concerns of the girls and had Harry worried about what they might think. It never occurred to him that their constant hugging of him may mean they enjoyed causing this reaction in him.

It also never occurred to him that said reaction may result in the trio starting to explore the early chapters of Hogwarts A History, the adult version.

He pulled bag off his shoulder and pulled out the other two waders, reluctantly handing a pair to each girl.

"I'm almost sorry to give these to you," he said, blushing heavily.

"Oh? Why?" asked Luna with a smile. She glanced at Hermione who was also smiling broadly.

Harry shrugged. "It seems a shame for you two to cover up. On the other hand if you didn't I'd have to kill all the boys in the school to keep you two for myself."

That comment resulted in more blood flow problems as both girls had to hug and kiss him several times. Finally they put on their waders and made ready for the long walk back to the top of the hole.

Harry paused and looked at the other hostages. Krum's hostage was a girl about Krum's age. At least Harry thought she was a girl, although the mustache was a strike against that idea.

Diggory's hostage was Cho Chang the Ravenclaw seeker who Harry wasn't overly fond of. The girl had teased Luna in her first year until Harry put a stop to it. Ever since then the two hadn't gotten along well.

He looked at the final hostage, the one for the Veela and he scowled. With a deft wave of his wand he cut her free and waved her to come over to them. Both Luna and Hermione looked at him curiously and he shrugged. "The others are adults and can take care of themselves. She's a kid," he said softly.

They nodded satisfied with that answer. Harry cast a warming charm on all three girls, then he offered his back to the little girl. Carrying her piggyback they made their way out of the hole.

They paused to catch their breath not far from where Fleur was having a major temper tantrum. Apparently shooting slimey ink at a Veela activated their extreme angst mode.

"Dat iz my sister," murmured Gabrielle as they passed her.

"Do you want me to leave you with her?" asked Harry.

Gabrielle looked at the mud and her ink covered big sister.

"Non, I wait top of hole for her," she murmured.

Harry grinned and hiked her up again before resuming his trek to the top of the hole.

**Wain Manor...**

Harry leaned back and smiled broadly. "Now that's a rescue."

Luna shook her head. "It never fails, no matter how many times we change things Harry's character still stands out. He took Gabrielle just because she was a child."

Harry buffed his nails against his shirt. "Of course, we hero types can't go against our basic instincts."

"Basic instincts Harry?" Luna asked archly. "The last time you showed your baser instincts you had me bent over a table with my skirt up around my."

"Yes I get it Luna, besides you weren't complaining at the time. Are you telling me you don't want a repeat of that?" he asked.

She blushed and looked away refusing to answer.

He smirked at her. "I thought so," he murmured.

She shook her head, "So what's next?" she asked changing the subject.

Harry shrugged letting her change the subject. "It's time to start wrapping things up. Very soon all the pieces of Voldemort will be gone. I'll talk to Sirius and get the ball rolling on his end."

"Are you sure he'll go for it? He's still got some loyalty there."

"True enough, but whatever loyalty he might have is nothing compared to his concern for Harry," he replied.

Luna nodded a bit unhappily, it was always the case in the universes where Harry and Sirius managed to hook up. Sirius unknowing slipped into a parental role for Harry and showed her Harry exactly what he had missed out on. While Sirius did act like a big kid most of the time, he clearly put Harry's welfare at the top of his list right next to Helga.

"Very well, we'll start cleaning up," she agreed.

**Hogwarts Infirmary, 2 days after the task...**

Albus opened his eyes and his brain finally registered that he was feeling considerable pain.

"Rest Headmaster," Poppy said firmly. "You will not be getting out of here anytime soon."

"What what what happened?"

Poppy poured him a small dose of potion and handed him the cup. "Drink that and I'll tell you."

He swallowed the disgusting mixture and handed her back the empty cup. Satisfied, she nodded and sat on a chair next to the bed. "Where to begin? Well after you announced that you had taken both of Mister Potter's friends he spent 20 minutes of the task beating you senseless. We did warn you about that so no one felt inclined to stop him.

"Now that broke a number of your bones I'm afraid. The good news is I managed to repair them, the bad news is you lost considerable bone mass due to your age so you're now six inches shorter than you used to be."

"While I had you in here I took the time to fully examine your scar. I was surprised to find it contained an alien soul fragment which is leeching power directly from your core in order to revive itself. That's the good news, the bad news is that you've damaged your core and its steadily leaking. At the current rate you'll be little more than a squib come this time next year."

Albus blinked at her in horror. "That can't be! I'm a lord of the light?"

Poppy snorted. "Yeah maybe so, but your bulb is about to go out Headmaster, if I were you I'd make sure my will is updated." Poppy hated delivering bad news, but she had done it before and would do it again.

He sighed and nodded unhappily. "And the tournament?"

She chuckled. "Well Mister Potter rescued his hostages and that little girl you put down there. The Merpeople want to declare war on you and Hagrid figures the lake will take years to refill. Unlike the last task there was only one fatality at the school and lots of broken bones. Oh and the Slytherin dorms along with Professor Snape's office and the potions classrooms are underwater."

She paused and Dumbledore looked at her carefully. "There's more isn't there?"

She nodded. "Yes, Hogsmeade been evacuated, most of the residents are living tents on the hilltops while they figure out if the water will drain. I haven't seen it for myself, but I'm told the survivors dance naked around a fire at night and burn you in effigy."

Dumbledore sighed and closed his eyes. He didn't want to know anymore. The longer this tournament lasted the less of a good idea it seemed.

**Black Manor in Wales, March 1st ...**

Dan and Emma Granger were more than impressed. They had met with the Blacks several times, but this time for some reason Bugger and Helga were going out of their way to impress them.

Bugger had invited the Grangers and Xenophilius to dinner because he had something important to talk to them about.

Helga had cooked a magnificent dinner which Dobby served while dressed in his butler uniform. The meal was superb and the 150 year old Brandy that followed the meal was divine.

Dan swirled his brandy slowly, then he looked up at Bugger. "Bugger, the meal has been wonderful, but I can't help thinking you've gone to all this trouble for a reason."

Bugger placed his brandy snifter on the table and nodded. "Yes that is true Dan. I've called you here because I wanted to tell you about some things that perhaps you haven't known before."

Dan and Emma exchanged a worried look before turning back to Bugger.

"Harry was forced into a competition that is highly dangerous," he began.

Emma nodded, "Yes Hermione mentioned that in her letters."

"Did those letters also mention that as part of the competition, your daughter and Luna were both placed into a deep magical sleep and chained to the bottom of the lake in their nightclothes?" asked Bugger.

Dan exploded out of his chair and it fell back with a crash. "WHAT?" he exclaimed. "What right have they to do this?"

Bugger held up a hand trying to placate the angered muggle.

"It's not Lord Black's fault Mister Granger," Xenophilius said, cutting off his rant. "I wasn't asked and didn't find out until later, and I daresay it never occurred to anyone to ask you either. But Harry rescued both girls and in the process totally ruined the task for this part of the competition. He also beat the Headmaster bloody for daring to touch Hermione and Luna."

Bugger nodded. "That's right, the old man required a weeks stay in the infirmary and mind you, we can fix broken bones in no time," Bugger added.

Dobby appeared and fixed Dan's chair. Somewhat mollified he sat back down. "I'm sorry."

"Oh no Dan," breathed Helga. "Don't apologize, we were equally angry over the whole affair. This isn't the end of this."

Dan arched and eyebrow and looked over at Bugger who looked rather sheepish. "I'm suing the school. If I have anything to say about it, and I just might if you believe my lawyer, Hogwarts will not be opening next year."

Bugger paused and shrugged. "I wish I could sue them for what they did to your daughter Dan, but the simple fact is that Wizards here in Britain don't believe muggle parents have any say in what happens to their daughters. And that brings us to the reason why I asked you all here today."

Emma leaned forward in her chair. "Oh?"

Bugger started to speak, but Helga stopped him with a touch. "I'll handle this part dear," she said softly, then she turned to Emma. "Like it or not, your daughter and Luna have decided that they wanted a relationship in which they share Harry between them. Now before you panic, nothing dishonorable has happened between any of them yet.

"Harry is the biggest stumbling block in their relationship mainly because he doesn't believe he's worthy of either of them. The girls are taking it very slow with him and easing him into the idea. Harry wouldn't dream of doing anything that those girls don't want to do and I suspect that when the time comes, that they want more, they will need to help Harry with that."

Bugger sighed and nodded. "Xeno here can confirm that if we were all pure blood we'd already be putting betrothal contracts in place for the three of them. But we're not all pure bloods and I refuse to follow that tradition. They will do what they want to do, I'll not interfere with their choice.

"Given that fact I asked you here because I intend to hire the necessary tutors to continue Harry's education. I fully expect that the school will not be able to reopen next fall and I wanted to know if you want your daughters to attend Harry's tutoring? Whether the tutors have three students or one, the price is the same."

"So your saying what? That Hermione, Luna and Harry will end up in a three way marriage?" asked Emma, clearly alarmed.

Xeno chuckled. "Its possible Emma, right now there are more witches than wizards so those sort of arrangements are common, 50 years ago there were more wizards than witches and it wasn't uncommon to run across a witch wizard wizard pairing. But I think the key point that Lord Black is trying to bring across is that if it happens, it will be their decision, not ours and he's offering a wonderful chance for our daughters to be tutored by some of the finest minds in our world."

Bugger lifted his glass in salute to Xeno. "Yes the tutors I have lined up are the very best. My feelings are simple, even if by some off chance the school did remain open, I don't want my ward near people that believe they have absolute control over his life."

"Will we have any say in our daughter's life under your tutoring?" asked Emma archly.

"I was hoping you'd ask that Emma," Bugger said with a grin. "You see Harry's mum was muggle born like your daughter. I would really like to see Harry educated in the muggle world as well as the magical, but I have no idea of how to pick tutors for that. If you two are willing to help we might be able to see them entering University, perhaps a bit late, but living a life that straddles both worlds."

"I'd like Luna to get some of that kind of education," commented Xeno.

Dan and Emma exchanged a long silent conversation then turned back to Bugger. Dan raised his glass. "It would be our pleasure. This way we won't lose our daughter to the magical world."

Bugger raised his own glass, pleased that the conversation had gone so well.

**The Evil Secret Lair of Voldemort's Minions, May 1st ...**

Barty Crouch Jr entered the meeting hall and was shocked to find the entire room filled with people sitting, facing the stage. He moved a little closer and realized they were store mannequins! He moved towards his usual seat in the front and missed seeing Peter placing out trays piled high with cookies on some tables in the back.

Unlike Barty, Peter had little to do during this period and the isolation was obviously beginning to affect him.

Peter nodded to him then took his place on the stage.

"Since we didn't have anyone recording the minutes from our last meeting I'll waive the reading and jump straight to new business."

Barty nodded in appreciation. He hated when they fooled around with old stuff.

"I have finalized the ritual which will bring our Master back to us. It wasn't easy to do, but the things we will need are a special potion and a willing sacrifice from one of the Masters beloved servants. Do I have any volunteers for the sacrifice?"

Peter looked up and surveyed the crowded hall, but most sat there like dummies.

"What kind of sacrifice?" Barty asked loudly.

"Ah, the chair recognizes Barty Crouch Jr, second in charge of all of the Master's men," Peter said brightly, "If you have a question, please stand up."

Barty blinked. He didn't know he had been promoted! Standing he shuffled his feet and grinned in embarrassment. "Uh I want to know what kind of sacrifice?" repeated Barty.

Peter looked down at his papers and frowned. "According to this ritual, it requires the bone of a freshly killed goat unknowingly given, blood of an enemy forcibly taken, and the appendage of a servant willingly given. It also requires two pounds of freshly crushed walnuts and some dried pineapple shavings."

Barty looked at him intently. "So we have to cut off an arm or will a finger or hand do?"

Peter shuffled his feet. "No it clearly states that the appendage cannot contain any bone or cartilage."

Barty paled, he could only think of one such appendage that met that description. "Mr. Chairman, if it pleases the membership I would like to put forward a motion?"

Peter looked at him taken aback and nodded.

"Given that I will be at Hogwarts during the resurrection ritual, I nominate the only other member who will be present at that ritual to provide the sacrifice. I nominate Peter Pettigrew, the master's number one servant."

Peter made a whining noise in the back of his throat. "Are there any seconds?"

Barty smiled and put his wand away. The entire hall of store dummies had raised their arms.

"Motion carries," Peter whispered, then he broke down into sobs. He just knew this was going to happen to him! Damn his polyjuice allergy!

Barty smiled and headed back for the mountains of cookies, looked like this meeting of the Evil Minions of Voldemort was over.

**Headmaster's office, Hogwarts, May 15th...**

Dumbledore placed his head in his hands and moaned to himself. _This can't be happening to me!_ He thought.

_Yes it can old fool_, came another thought that sounded frighteningly familiar.

Dumbledore's head shot up, his eyes bulging in a panic. _Tom?_

_You know I hate that name old man, but soon I will be strong enough to push you out!_

Dumbledore blinked. _This can't be happening to me, it's so unfair!_

_What are you blathering about old man?_ Asked Tom

Dumbledore started to chuckle, it was a strange sound, clearly not one of joyous laughter, but instead the sound of madness tinged with a heavy dose of hysteria. _Look for yourself Tom. You infected me and your Horcrux is waking up and I'm losing my magic. Not to you, no that would be easy. No my core has been damaged and will be fully empty just about the time you are fully active. We're going to be a squib Tom. A Squib!_

The soul fragment of Tom Marvolo Riddle howled in fear at that news. _No! You lie! Let me see!_

Dumbledore leaned back in his chair and continued laughing. All that was left was going through the motions of the tournament and then arranging for someone to kill him before Voldemort took over.

_Perhaps Severus will help me,_ he mused once he calmed down. He did not want to live as a squib.

_Oh no he won't!_ Shouted Tom inside his head. _I own Snape he's mine! Command him to save us!_

Albus shook his head. Tom hadn't learned about Mistress Natasha yet it seemed.

**Hogwarts Quidditch Pitch, May 16th...**

"Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen to the third and final task for this Triwizard Tournament! It's been an exciting contest so far and today is shaping up to be the best task of all!"

Ludo Bagman's voice echoed over the nearly empty stands. Bugger and Helga sat in the stands with Hermione and Luna. Behind them sat Xenophilius and the Grangers who Bugger brought as his personal guests.

The Delacour family also sat nearby with their daughter who waved when she spotted Harry. The girl had a bit of a crush on Harry, but had opted to just write him nice pleasant letters. Hermione and Luna helped him reply without deliberately encouraging her crush. It was Harry's first real exposure to his celebrity and it made him uncomfortable.

Harry stood with the other contestants and he smirked because all three watched him warily.

He wasn't exactly friendly with any of them and for the most part, they resented his destruction of the second task which left them all tied for first place. Except Harry who was dead last with six points and very proud of that accomplishment.

Of course Krum didn't like him since Hermione turned him down for the Ball.

The world famous seeker was very unhappy to see Harry show up to the ball escorting Hermione and Luna. He didn't like the apparent slight to his honor but there was little he could do about it. It didn't even bother Harry when he stormed from the Ball after spotting Harry sharing kisses with Luna and Hermione.

And the Veela? Well she grudgingly decided that if he could save her sister then he must be alright. Harry's response to that was to ignore her entirely after making a comment about not wanting to deal with commoners. So much for being a 'leetle boy'.

Fleur flew into a major tantrum at that remark and turned her full Veela power to bear on Harry in the Great Hall at dinner. He grinned and grabbed Luna and Hermione's hands, neatly sidestepping the 58 guys that piled onto her, tearing at her clothing. She didn't dare approach him after that.

Privately Harry would admit the sight of her fleeing the Great Hall wearing nothing but panties and shouting obscenities in french wasn't one he was likely to ever forget.

The final Champion, Cedric Diggory didn't talk to Harry at all. It wasn't personal, he just didn't really know him and he was still slightly traumatized by the second task. Harry heard a rumor that Cho Chang stumbled on the naked Hufflepuff on the way out of the great hole and made some snide comments about his nakedness. The effect on the poor boy was rather devastating.

Now Harry stood, slightly apart from the others, he was totally prepared for this task mentally. He was going to snub wizarding Britain in the best manner possible.

Not far away stood Dumbledore, who wasn't looking too happy, Madam Maxime and Ms. Eurkov. Percy Weasley was standing in for the absent Barty Crouch and Ludo Bagman was announcing as usual.

"The Durmstrang, Beauxbatons and Hogwarts champions are currently tied for first place and will be entering the maze based on drawing straws. There'll be a 10 second gap between each contestant. Our final Champion, having only 6 points will have to wait 12 minutes before he may enter the maze," Ludo announced. His announcing wasn't a total waste of his time since the Wizarding Wireless network had a microphone in front of him. After they placed the mic and tested the connection, the technician for the network fled the scene in total terror.

Harry turned and waved to his family in the crowd, then he turned and dropped his pants and mooned the judges. Someone, probably Luna, had taken the time to show Harry a spell that wrote "Eat Me!" on his butt cheeks.

Helga and Bugger laughed uproariously in the stands while both Luna and Hermione blushed and giggled. Emma Granger smirked and chuckled, she remembered the day she streaked naked through Dan's frat house. Shortly after that Sorority prank he asked her out.

Harry pulled up his pants and turned back to the maze ignoring the outraged judges. Ludo blinked and wondered if he should report Harry's act of defiance on the wireless or not.

Dumbledore nodded to Ludo who finally realized that he was being told to start. He smiled at the Headmaster and waved to Filch who was ready at the cannon. Filch leaned forward and gripped the lanyard and started to yank on it. Suddenly the cannon pivoted away from the forbidden forest pulling the cord in his hand taut. Filch's motion plus the movement of the cannon was enough to cause it to fire.

Harry chuckled and stuck his wand back in it's holster as the cannon fired. Two second later Hagrid's hut exploded.

"Nice shooting Davy Crockett," commented Harry. Filch looked at him, then at the cannon, then at an extremely angry Hagrid clawing his way out of the wreckage and promising death to whoever blew up his house. Filch immediately did the mature thing, he fainted.

Up in the stands, Luna, Hermione and Bugger held up cards reading, "8.6", "8.8" and "6.6". Harry grinned and woke up Filch with a quick enervate. "You got good scores from everyone except for that Canadian judge, Argus. You just might win this!" He said, clapping the man on the back and helping him up. "But I think its time to run before Hagrid gets here. Better get into the maze quick!"

Filch blinked at Harry in confusion, then he shrieked as Hagrid continued to close the distance. The half giant had an axe in his hand and he clearly wanted blood! Filch pivoted and immediately ran into the maze with Hagrid hot on his heels.

"Hey! No fair!" Harry called out loud. "They aren't in the competition! If this open to anyone then I refuse to participate. This task is for champions only!"

The three judges and the three contestants stared at each other in confusion wondering what to do next. Meanwhile the fire that had been burning in Hagrid's fireplace was spreading and the wreckage started to smolder.

From somewhere in the maze Filch screamed as he ran across one of the obstacles that took offense to his presence. Not being capable of using magic, it was quite likely that Argus Filch had just become lunch for one of Hagrid's misunderstood beasties.

Harry shook his head and stomped up to the other champions. "Look I don't want to be out here all day! It looks like it's going to rain! Get in there or those other two will beat you to the center! Mush! Pronto! Shake a leg!"

All three champions stared at Harry for a moment and then he reached for his wand. They ran, climbing and clawing at each other to get out Harry's way. In a moment they rounded the bend and they were gone.

Harry looked up at the stands to see everyone, even the Delacour family laughing. Thinking he was on a roll, Harry decided to try one more thing. He turned and dashed over to the Judges. "Hurry!" he exclaimed, "If you don't watch them you'll never be able to judge them properly!"

Eurkov, Dumbledore and Maxime blinked in shock and then chased after the contestants.

In front of the stands, the huge screen displaying the interior of the maze split again to cover the three judges, three contestants, one dead squib and a bewildered half giant. Harry smirked, it was obvious how they intended to judge the champions. "Morons," Harry muttered to himself, then he eyed his next target.

Harry turned to Ludo and tapped the mic hard a couple times. "This thing on?" he asked.

Ludo nodded dumbly at him, clearly shocked by this turn of events. "Good, because I've just proved once and for all time that the judges are idiots and probably should be fired. Clearly this is beyond their abilities," Harry said grandly then he turned away.

Harry walked over to the entrance and pulled a shrunken chair from his pocket and enlarged it. Then he enlarged a fancy footrest and a small table and lamp. Sitting in the chair, an Elf appeared and handed him a drink and his book.

He placed his book on the table and trotted back over to Ludo Bagman. "Excuse me, but I need this for a bit," he said, then he grabbed the microphone.

Trotting back to his chair he sat and smiled at the folks in the stand before he began to speak.

"People of the Wizarding world! Your government has been lying to you! You have been pawns in a great conspiracy!"

He leaned back and took a sip from his drink. "Every day, you trot off to work, every day you slave and grind for your wages while your Ministry works with your real oppressors! Every day you slave at work to earn money so that your real oppressors can live a nice life with food and shelter and never worrying about having to earn a dime. Every day you toil and scrape the bitter ground while your Government helps to keep you bound to your true masters. Every day you sweat and bleed and curse and watch your magic slowly wither and why is this you ask?

"So that you may keep a house elf in a manner which suits their needs!"

Harry paused and grinned at Bugger and Helga and the rest who were rolling in the stands with laughter. "Free yourselves wizards! Throw off the chains of your bondage! Refuse to bow to the will of the Ministry!"

He paused again and picked up his book. "I will now read to you some of the famous words of one of our dearest leaders, a man whom we all respect. Albus I-Have-Too-Many-Middle-Names Dumbledore. Who wrote these touching words, and I quote;

"_Twas brillig, and the slithy toves  
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:  
All mimsy were the borogoves,  
And the mome raths outgrabe._

_"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!  
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!  
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun  
The frumious Bandersnatch!"_

Harry paused and slowly closed his book. He looked thoughtfully at the crowd in the stands. "It gets me every time I hear those famous words and I wonder, where is Dumbledore's Bandersnatch now? Where is your Bandersnatch hmm? That is the question you need ask yourself.

"This is the Wizarding Wireless Network, signing off from Hogwarts and bidding you all fondue. Tune in next week when we premiere our new game show of 'Guess my IQ!'"

He placed the book back on the table and took another sip from his drink. He picked up the microphone and banged it on the table a few times, then he tossed it to Ludo Bagman. "Here, I don't need this anymore."

Out in the stands, Bugger, Luna, Hermione and Emma held up signs. "9.5", "9.8", "9.7", "9.9". Harry saw his scores and he mimed a victory dance for the crowd, then he bowed.

Both Hermione and Luna glared at Emma for giving Harry a higher score than they did. She couldn't help it, there was just something about a man and poetry that made her blood race.

Bagman stared at Harry. "Potter is... Potter is... Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't... Potter... Dumbledore... Oh god!"

Ludo Bagman stared at the mic in dismay! He didn't know what the say and he knew the silence was spelling the end of his career! The entire event had been derailed by an insane Potter! No he wasn't insane, he was totally nuts!

"I know you think me nuts Bagman," Harry said icily. "But I'll remind you that three of the most respected wizards in the world ran into that maze without a single thought. You wanted the publicity that this tournament would bring, well you have it. Britain, France and Germany are the laughing stocks of the world and I get to sit here and watch."

He wondered how long it would take before the judges realized what he had done, then he opened up his book and began to read. He wanted to know more about the frumious bandersnatches!

Barty Crouch stood behind Ludo and he couldn't believe what had just happened! The Potter brat had thrown the entire event into chaos.

Deciding to take charge he strode forward at a brisk, one legged pace and he grabbed Harry by the hand, pulling him into the maze with him. "Come on boy, you still have a chance to win this thing!" he shouted.

Shocked, Harry let himself be pulled along inside the maze until Professor Moody faltered in his steps and reached for his flask. Harry pulled away and stunned the man while he was still fumbling with his flask.

He slumped to the ground and lay motionless. Harry looked at him for a moment, then he picked up the flask and opened it. He sniffed the contents and realized what was happening. Picking up Moody's wand he pointed it at the man.

"Incarcerous!" he intoned.

"Enervate!"

Moody blinked his eyes and looked around warily. His features started to alter and Harry realized his hunch was right, the foul smelling liquid was Polyjuice potion. He and Bugger had played with the stuff over the summer while Bugger was instructing him in the fine art of Pranking and Wooing girls.

Moody stared up at him fearfully. "Do you have any unbound potion?"

Moody spat at him, so Harry decided to make a point. He drew back his foot and kicked the man in the nuts as hard as he could.

"I asked you a question imposter. Do you have any unbound potion?"

Moody moaned pitifully and curled up in a ball. "Yes," he squealed.

"Where?"

Moody was silent and Harry drew back his foot again.

"In my back pocket, I keep a backup in case I need to escape!" the man said. By now his features were decidedly not that of Alastor Moody. Both the fake leg and eye had already detached themselves from the man.

Harry hunched down and pulled the extra flask from his pocket, then he pulled a hair from his head and put it into the flask. He stared at the man for a moment longer, then he made a decision after he recalled a conversation with Bugger.

"_Harry, when it comes down to the point where you're fighting for your life, or the lives of your family, just remember one important point. There are no unforgivables at that point. You do what you need to do to keep yourself and your family alive."_

Harry nodded to himself, then he pointed Moody's wand at the man. "I don't know who you are, or why you want me and I don't care. Imperio!" he hissed.

Barty's face went slack immediately.

"You are going to drink the potion and then follow your original plan as if you were me. Do you understand?"

Barty nodded and immediately started to drink the potion. Harry backed away as he changed into a copy of himself, then he released him and threw Moody's wand at his feet.

The fake Harry Potter picked up the wand and looked at Harry for a moment before turning and going deeper into the maze.

"The shit I get into," Harry said, shaking his head. He looked around and spotting the electric blue eye and decided that maybe he could find a use for it, so he bent over and pocketed it then he turned and started to backtrack his route.

**Jim Bob's Old Home Petting Zoo...**

Barty appeared at the portkey point and Peter immediately stunned him, then tied him to full garbage can.

Peter stared at Potter for a moment, then he decided to wake him. He wanted to taunt him before he performed the ritual. In fact, he wanted to do anything to delay that particular task.

Nearby a huge cauldron simmered, occasionally the contents would moan and make chirping noises.

Waving his wand at Harry, the boy woke and looked around in shocked surprise.

"Where am I?"

"You are my prisoner!" declared Wormtail loftily.

"Wormtail you treasonous piece of dogshit!" spat Potter.

Peter blinked and his eyes filled with tears. He hated when people thought bad of him. His lower lip trembled slightly. "Now now Harry, don't be upset, what I do I do for the Greater Good!"

"What do you want Wormtail?"

Peter came closer to Harry and Harry discovered the effects of the dreaded Death Eater halitosis.

"You are going to help us revive our Master and then he's going to kill you," Peter said with a small laugh.

"Jesus! When was the last time you brushed your teeth? And you expect to kiss your Master with that mouth?"

Peter blanched and backhanded Harry. "Enough! Prepare yourself Harry, tonight you die! Mwahahahaha cough cough."

Peter scowled. He had practiced that laugh for weeks and he ruined it with a cough? How embarrassing.

Peter turned back to the cauldron, his moment of triumph ruined, it even took the fun out of taunting his victim. Carefully he levitated the leg bone of a freshly killed goat into the cauldron.

"Bone of a Goat, unknowingly given," he intoned.

"That explains the petting zoo," quipped Harry.

"Be silent!" snapped Wormtail.

"Make me," Harry said smugly. Barty had had enough exposure to Harry over the year to know exactly how much of a sarcastic smart ass the brat could be and he had him down perfectly.

"Now mix in the freshly crushed Walnuts and stir vigorously," Peter said, pouring in the nuts.

"Those don't look like they are well crushed if you ask me. I don't know what you're cooking, but I bet it comes out lumpy," Potter said.

Peter blinked and stared at the mixture in concern. Could he have done a better job of crushing his nuts?

Shaking his head, he decided to go with it, then he grabbed a knife and turned back to Harry.

"It's time to bleed for my Master Harry," crooned Peter.

"I don't know how, I don't know when, but I'm going to kill you Peter. I'm going to kill your dog, your mother, your father, the girl you had a crush on when you were six and all your neighbors!" Harry spat. "You may kill me, but I'll be back! A Potter never lets a weak plot device like death stop him!"

Peter looked afraid, but he knew the Master would protect him. Stepping up to Harry he used the knife to open his wrist. Blood shot out splashing Peter and coating the front of his robes.

"This isn't the end you bastard!" gasped Harry.

"No, it isn't," Peter spat back. "I'll make you pay for ruining this robe! I just bought it to impress the Master and you've ruined it!"

He turned back to the cauldron and put some of the blood into the bubbling mixture, then he added the pineapple shavings.

"Oh can I have some pineapple shavings?" asked Harry weakly.

Reaching into a bag he pulled out the cup of Hufflepuff, which turned out to be one of the earliest examples of an athletic supporter, and Ravenclaws diadem. He kissed both objects then gently lowered them into the mixture.

Peter couldn't help it. He whimpered, this was the part he was going to hate!

Dropping his pants he reached down and gave himself one final caress. "Farewell my pretty," he moaned.

"Oh this is so wrong, the last sight I see is the shriveled willy of a wormy?" moaned Harry.

"Appendage of a servant, willingly given, you will revive our Master!" he said, then his knife slashed downwards. He howled and dropped the object into the cauldron.

"That is some seriously fucked up shit," mumbled a dying Barty Crouch.

The cauldron started to spark and shake. Peter staggered back from the cauldron and tripped over his pants falling at Harry's feet.

He watched, moaning in pain, while the cauldron started to glow and shake more violently.

"I saw this in a movie once, it's gonna blow," whispered Harry. "I told you the nuts weren't crushed enough. And then you used a virgin penis! Did the instructions call for that?"

Peter glanced up at Harry, then towards the cauldron in horror. "No they didn."

The cauldron exploded, destroying the Horcruxes and killing the last two active Death Eaters on the planet.

**Hogwarts Quidditch Pitch, May 16th...**

Harry trudged out of the maze and looked around. Madam Pomfrey was frantically working on Krum who seemed to be missing both arms.

"So much for a Quidditch Career," Harry said shaking his head.

He glanced over to spot Dumbledore and the other two judges being yelled at by none other than Percy Weasley. This he couldn't miss.

He sidled over to the table where they stood. Ludo Bagman sat at the table staring in shock at Weasley.

"What the hell is wrong with you three? You not only ran into the maze like a bunch of idiots, you nearly killed Krum! Cedric is missing and the Veela chickie is bawling her eyes out from fear."

Harry smiled and pulled out his wand, he used it to push Ludo's microphone closer to the argument.

"What were you thinking? Why did you attack Krum?" demanded Percy.

Madam Maxime looked embarrassed, and she shuffled in place. "He tried to kiss me."

"He ran into a section we had charmed to inflict an intense lust on it's victim," admitted Dumbledore. "It was harmless, really. We honestly were hoping the Veela chick would get caught in it, give her a taste of her own medicine as it were."

"Da, so big Momma here gets a horny Krum and she pulls his arms off in fear," added Eurkov.

Percy blinked and looked at the three of them in disbelief. "And Ms. Delacouer?"

Eurkov grimaced. "Dat wuz my idea. Hogwarts champion has small willy, so we transfigured a walking talking six foot long willy to taunt him. Veela ran into dat."

Percy shook his head and glared at the three. "I'm declaring this contest over and we'll never hold another! Do you know in the past hour we've received hundreds of diplomatic messages laughing at us? You've made us look like idiots!"

"Hey, did you know this microphone is live?" called Harry.

Everyone turned to stare in horror at the microphone.

Harry shrugged. "I'm going home. Send my winnings there," he called over his shoulder.

**Wain Manor...**

Luna looked up and turned to Harry. "I take it that was what you had in mind?"

"Sorta."

"Sorta? What do you mean?"

Harry scratched the back of his head and he glanced back up at the mirror. "Well I didn't think Harry would improvise like that. I mean really, poetry? I didn't know I had that in me."

Luna shook her head. She knew exactly what Harry was capable of, the only one surprised by Harry's actions was Harry himself. "I don't know, I enjoyed it. It's one of my favorite erotic poems and to have it read by you?" She shivered slightly and Harry turned to eye her speculatively.

She smiled prettily at him then asked, "Is there anything else left for us to do?"

"Nah, we're done except for watching over Dumbledore and I don't expect that to take long. The Horcrux will use the last of his magic to become fully active. That will mean the old man won't have any magic and he'll probably die within a week."

Harry paused and looked up for a moment. "Lets see, Harry's set. Bugger and Helga will see to his upbringing from here. Helga already has plans to help all the elves that have been freed by Harry's little speech.

"Finally Harry will get to explore how far he wants to go with Hermione and Luna. No I think we're just about done here."

Luna smirked. "Oh he'll explore all right. He's a little pervert just like his Multiverse hopping counterpart."

Harry grinned back at her. "And you love it."

"I do," she admitted. "Well since we're done here, I have a suggestion for our next universe."

She pulled out a file and passed it over. He opened it and quickly scanned the summary, then he saw the insertion date of 2002 instead of 1985. "Why so late?" he asked her.

"Because it seems that the event wave is now propagating through the multiverse, my divine contraception charm failed this morning and that universe is one in which you and I died there and Hermione survived," she replied. "Also the Boss phoned and said we're off the hook. We can continue hopping if we want, but it's time to build a home Harry."

Harry blinked and his eyes teared up for a moment. They were finally done. "I've always wanted to be the Queen to the ruler of a solar system," she said huskily. "Co-Queen will do also and I'm sure Hermione would enjoy the fact that she can have any book she wants."

Harry nodded, speechless for the first time in a long time. He reached over and took Luna's hand. Fate's bitch was going to retire! Soon, they would go home and if he was lucky, he'd build a palace for his girls.

**12 Months Later, in another Universe...**

Twenty year old Hermione Granger sat down for a meager breakfast in the Leaky Cauldron. She was rather unhappy with her life and unsure how to turn things around. Voldemort was dead, but so were most of her friends. The war left her feeling old and worn out. It had ground her down and crushed her hopes for a long and happy life.

She had a crappy job in a bookstore because the Ministry still didn't want to hire muggle born wizards. It was a dead end and she knew it.

Opening the Daily Prophet she started paging through the paper. Suddenly she had an intense desire to read a particular section she usually ignored.

Turning to the personals her eye was drawn to an ad much larger than usual.

_Lightning Bolt Boy and Moon Goddess seek Friendly Bookworm for the purpose of aiding in world domination. Said candidate should be willing to share throne and occasionally enjoy fun antics involving hot tubs. If interested in reuniting with some friends who have an amazing story they want to share, turn around._

Hermione stared at the paper for a long moment. "It can't be, can it?" she whispered. Slowly she turned in her chair and instantly spotted a pair of huge smiles beaming back at her. She squealed and bolted from her chair while the rest of the patrons ignored the ruckus thanks to a notice me not charm.

"Boy have we a story to tell you," Harry whispered to his friend. He held her tight and Luna hugged her from behind.

**FINIS**


End file.
